'AITA for purchasing my guy friend his dream bday present and 'outshining' his GF?'
'AITA for purchasing my guy friend his dream birthday present and 'outshining' his girlfriend in the process?'
My guy friend, 'Tom,' has been one of my best friends since college. We're in our mid 20's now and are both currently in committed relationships with long term partners. I have never had feelings for Tom nor has he ever had feelings for me.
Since college, Tom has been a huge watch fanatic. Two months ago, he was showing me this stunning vintage watch and made an off-handed comment about how he would die of joy if he somehow got his hands on one.
Very coincidentally, I was in NYC a few weeks ago and stumbled upon this watch store that just so happened to have the exact one Tom wanted. It was expensive, I wont lie, at about $2,500, but I decided to get it for his 25th birthday (to me, it was basically fate lol).
My boyfriend and I do very well financially so this was something that I could personally afford and wanted to buy for Tom, especially knowing how happy it'd make him.
Tom has a tradition of hosting a dinner party at his place for his birthday and then following that up with cake and gift opening. I told him before the dinner that my gift was a huge surprise and asked if he could save it for last and he agreed.
His girlfriend ends up going first and she gets him this gorgeous sweater that she crocheted for him and a book that he's been wanting, which I thought was super thoughtful and lovely.
Last, it was my gift. When he opened it and saw what it was he literally screamed, hopped over a bunch of people, and squeezed me in this huge bear hug. I was SO happy to see him happy, it genuinely filled me with so much joy.
He even got emotional and I saw him swipe a few tears. He also said that it was the 'best gift he'd ever received.' The whole time, his girlfriend was only slightly smiling and stayed quiet.
The next morning, I get a text from his girlfriend that essentially said that although she appreciated my thoughtful gift, she thought that it was a bit out of touch and lacking awareness. She admitted that Tom had also told her about the watch and she wanted to get it for him, but it was way out of her budget.
She accused me of knowing this (I had NO idea) and still getting it to rub it in her face and to 'outshine' her. She finished by saying how she felt like I had overstepped a boundary by getting the gift and would appreciate me not doing anything similar to it again in the future.
I responded and told her that while I could see her POV, I was just trying to do a nice thing for a close friend of mine. I asked her, wouldn't you rather he gotten the gift and seen the happiness that it brought him than him not getting it at all?
She responded that that happiness was 'only shared between [me] and Tom' and no one else and that she felt hurt by my actions.
Only my boyfriend knows about this and he's on my side. But thinking through it all again, I do see how I could've overstepped, but my boyfriend says that it's not my job to apologize for her insecurities. So AITA here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. You weren’t thinking of how to hurt her, you just wanted a nice gift for your friend. Your BF is right, you don’t need to apologize for her insecurities.
Yes exactly this. I can empathize with how the girlfriend must have felt, but she was out of line to reach out to OP for what was just a kind gesture.
It’s also what’s in the best interest of her BF… she should just be happy for him that he was able to get something he really wanted rather than envious she couldn’t provide it. That’s real love.
I'd say NAH. Both POV's are valid. She was right to make the gift and the GF had valid reasons to be upset (not being in the position financially to make a similar gift, feeling outshined).
OP, next time you find something special and expensive, team up with the GF and make a shared gift. That's the way to become a bridesmaid instead of being barred from the wedding.
'told him before the dinner that the gift was huge could he leave it to the end' is a bit AH, surely?
Giving him something you knew he really wanted was certainly thoughtful, but telling him to save it for last was attention-seeking. I would feel the same way even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, but especially because he does.
I think you were well-intentioned, but should not have made your gift the star of the show in such an obvious way. He would have loved it just as much if you hadn’t showcased it like that & blatantly diminished the gifts everyone else (including his girlfriend) had brought.
YTA. It isn't so much 'her insecurities' as your breech of etiquette giving a gift you knew would significantly outshine all others.
I’m going to second this right here. Assuming OP’s intentions were harmless (I don’t doubt they were) it’s a total faux pas to give someone else’s romantic partner a gift like that. OP, how would you feel if one of your boyfriend’s female friends gave him a luxurious gift in front of you and all his friends? The gift doesn’t match the relationship.
If OP really wanted him to have it, she could’ve gotten several of their friends (including the girlfriend) to go in together on it so it wouldn’t be a big gift from her. Hindsight is 20/20.