Woman shuts down friend for crossing boundary and talking about pregnancy issues.

Setting a boundary can be really difficult when the other person doesn't fully seem to grasp it. Reinforcing the boundary when they cross it can feel simultaneously exhausting and frustrating, and sometimes, it can climax in deep tension.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for snapping at her friend for talking about her pregnancy after being asked not to. She wrote:

"AITA for refusing to hear anything medical about my friend's pregnancy?"

I (37F) am at the end of my life expectancy. It's entirely possible I could live longer because of taking good care of myself, but the average is late 30s. My mother had the same condition I do and died at age 22 from childbirth.

I decided to never have children to avoid passing my disease on (50% chance) or leaving children behind for someone else to raise, potentially knowing they ended their own mother's life, which was honestly a really crappy way to grow up. I joined a support group online ten years ago.

In that time, while we have gained new members, we've lost a number to age, and a number of women to pregnancy and childbirth complications. One of my closest friends Margie (26F) has decided to have a baby with her husband.

My platonic partner/caretaker of 15 years (Jim 41M) and I live an hour away, and while her husband has been working as much overtime as he can to earn extra time off, Jim has been the one driving her to her appointments and bringing me to spend time with her so she hasn't been alone as much.

My one and only rule is I don't want to know specifics about her pregnancy-related medical issues because of personal trauma. She is entitled to make her own decisions about her life, I'm entitled to my feelings, and I don't want to know so I can reign in my feelings and be respectful. She has a medical folder with updates about her current condition in the event of an emergency.

Jim and I aren't being paid for our time, gas, etc. It's all volunteer. However, as her pregnancy has progressed and things have started to get worse, she keeps trying to slip things in. On Friday she brought it up again, I asked if she needed us to call 911 and her husband.

She said no, and I lost my temper and told her, "Then stop bringing it up. I have one rule and you keep trying to break it. Unless you need medical attention, can we please talk about something else?"

She cried silently for nearly an hour even after I apologized and then told Jim and I to not bother showing up for Labor Day when we left, which left her husband confused because she wouldn't tell him what happened. I gave him the number for my therapist who specializes in palliative care patients because I know she needs support, and I feel bad for hurting her feelings.

But I don't want to be her therapist as she faces the reality of her decision. I don't want her dumping her health on me, not while I'm dealing with mine. AITA?

People had a lot to say in the comment section.

Ordinary-Raccoon-354 wrote:

I’m going to go ahead and say NTA. If she agreed to not talk about it for your personal mental health she shouldn’t. If she needs someone to talk to about it she can make another friend or hire a therapist. You were very open and honest with her and she is choosing to ignore your boundary.

She needs to understand that you are offering her all of the support you are able to, while keeping yourself mentally healthy. Additionally, if she wanted to bring it up and was really really struggling she should ask you about it beforehand to give you some warning at least, rather than trying to slip it in.

OP shared her thoughts in response:

Thank you. She agreed to not to talk about it, but at the time, I didn't realize I was also going to be the person making the most effort to support her, even over her own family. I feel bad for her because her parents are emotionally withdrawn and are almost trying to let her go in advance, even though she's still here now.

glamgal50 wrote:

NTA you have one boundary and she is not respecting that. She surely has other people she could talk about the medical issues. She just chooses the one person who cannot be the supportive friend in this one area. Also very sorry to hear that you are terminal. Hope you still find comfort and joy in the time you have left.

OP responded:

Unfortunately her pool of people is limited. Her parents have become emotionally withdrawn as if they're anticipating the worst, her husband is working a lot, and the in-laws I don't know much about. We have some other friends in our group, but I don't know that she's as close to any of them.

KindCompetence wrote:

NAH. Really. Sometimes you’re not the right person to talk about a topic with - due to your own mental landscape, you can’t be her friend to talk this over with. You can be her friend for many other things! She’s not wrong for wanting a friend she can talk about this with. That friend just can’t be you. That sucks for both of you. It’s a hard place to be, I hope both of you get what you need.

Limerase wrote:

I understand that you want to support her, but you can't provide the full support system that she needs all by yourself. That can be said for LOTS of people, not just people going through what the two of you are. She should not be depending on you alone, so hopefully she takes you up on the therapist.

That being said, you set forth boundaries, and if she agreed to that, she's the AH for trying to step on that. NTA, and I wish you both the best.

majesticjewnicorn wrote:

NTA. You have communicated a boundary and she has disrespected this boundary. I'm just giving some advice but I think for your own mental health, you need to step back from this friendship. If her condition means she is likely to pass away in childbirth, then you need to emotionally distance yourself from this situation to avoid worsening your own mental health.

Additionally, it might be worth having a mix of healthy and sick friends so you can have some friends who will not drag you down emotionally with their own health situations. I am so sorry that you have less time in this world than many others and I cannot imagine what this must be like for you.

That being said, you have limited time in this world and need to spend it with as many enriched days as possible, so it may be best to distance yourself from those who will dim your days.

OP is NTA here, it's valid for her to opt out of these types of conversations.