Man snaps at cousin for posting about his late dad on Father's Day, 'we wanted privacy.'

Defining social media boundaries after someone dies can be complicated. Some people enjoy using the platforms as a way of grieving a death, processing with their network, and even spreading the word.

Others find the onslaught of questions and comments stressful, and prefer to keep announcements and feelings around death offline. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it, as it's all situation, the most important thing is to honor those most affected by the death.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for calling out his cousin for posting about his late dad on Father's Day.

He wrote:

AITA for being furious that my cousin posted about my dad on Father's day?

I (24 M) lost my dad two weeks ago after a brief illness. My mom (51 F) sister (20 F) and I were obviously heartbroken. My mom was borderline catatonic in her grief. After a brief discussion with my sister, my mom, and my grandmother (93 F) we decided to keep news of Dad’s passing contained just to family and close personal friends of my immediate family (dad, mom, sister myself).

I believed this to be best to help manage my mother’s stress levels and to help her grieve. Due to my mom’s grief and being the oldest I’ve sort of taken on the role of spokesperson for my family. Planning the service, dealing with introductory legal work, calling my dad’s friends.

So last week I sent a text into the extended family group chat requesting that no one post anything about my dad’s passing on social media and that anyone that we wanted to find out would be informed directly by us. I also made it extremely clear my mom sister and grandmother were on the same page regarding social media.

The service came and went and was obviously extremely hard on my entire family especially, my mom. Obviously, today being Father’s Day was another hard day and we planned a quiet day. However, that was ruined by my cousin. She (19 F) decided that in addition to posting a tribute to her dad she posted a message about the loss of my dad (her uncle) as well.

Me, my sister, and my mom received a massive influx of calls and texts. Which greatly upset my mom. I was more annoyed that people I haven’t seen or spoken to since high school were now acting like my best friend however the vast majority of my anger was reserved for my cousin.

I sent her a text in the family group chat furious at her for ignoring our plainly stated wishes regarding social media and for upsetting my very fragile mom. Her mom (my aunt) retaliated that we can’t control how her daughter grieves the loss of her uncle.

She sent one in telling me that (1. I didn’t make it clear the social media ban extended beyond the service 2. Did I expect her to never just talk about her uncle again).

I said that it was obvious she was hunting for attention and sympathy. And that if she is not welcome around my mom due to the upset she caused. Pretty much my entire extended family agree that her posting was insensitive. But my aunt and cousin maintain that I overreacted and can’t expect other people to grieve in the same way I did.

The internet jury adjourned.

Sea_Rise_1907 wrote:

I know we’re living in 2023 and social media is all the rage but seriously “don’t post about my dead dad on your Facebook” is really such a low bar. You’re absolutely NTA. She can grieve however she wants without posting publicly on social media. Not doing anything to cause your mother to be bombarded with people calling about her dead husband is such a simple request.

Washiestcar wrote:

NTA. The people saying YTA are using their personal beliefs and defending how people grieve, but are disregarding that the spouse of the dead is grieving more than anyone and had a very simple wish to keep herself sane and stable during her grieving period. This is not a matter of how people grieve, its a matter of respecting the spouse's simple wish, let alone their own aunt’s wish.

-what-username wrote:

NTA. You specifically asked them not to post on social media and within two weeks your cousin did it anyway?! Your aunt and cousin have some audacity to accuse you of controlling their grief while simultaneously interfering with yours.

The exact situation you were trying to avoid happened because of your cousin’s lack of consideration for your family’s (entirely reasonable) wishes. At 19, she should know better and your aunt even more so! I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope you’re given the space to grieve how you need to.

Imagettingrim wrote:

I’m not going to give you an a##hole judgment, because I think the situation has too much nuance to break it down into such black-and-white terms. It seems like from some of your comments that what you’re most upset about is that yesterday your mom was doing pretty good emotionally, but today she’s experiencing a lot of pain and having a much more emotional day.

It’s easy to blame the social media post and the reach outs she’s had today, but honestly, that’s just how grief works. She will have days where she feels human, and days where every piece of her being still feels shattered. It’s hard to see your mom like this, and obviously very painful knowing that you lost your dad as well.

Don’t let this pain fester into anger at your cousin, she didn’t make a post to hurt your mother or by extension you. It might feel like a grab for attention, but that’s an unfair assessment. People react differently to loss and use social media for all kinds of different reasons. I don’t think your ask to keep things offline was unreasonable, but I can see how she misunderstood the timeline you were implying.

I imagine she felt she was giving him a nice memorial in a way that she felt that she could and in a timeline that she felt was appropriate. Reaching out to ask if the social media ban was still in effect after the service probably didn’t occur to her, because by now his loss has been communicated to so many. Keeping it a secret won’t make the loss hurt any less. I’m sorry for the loss of your father. NAH.

ChitinousLlama wrote:

Wanting a quiet service was a reasonable ask. You are not TA for that. Wanting no contact from anyone on Father's Day was also a reasonable ask, but your post gives the impression that that was a secret plan you didn't communicate to anyone.

'hunting for attention and sympathy.'

Hunting for sympathy is a normal thing people do when sad. Social media is designed to make every social interaction look like a plea for attention.

YTA, because your plan to keep your father's death secret had no clear-cut endpoint when it was OK to talk about him. I seriously doubt your mother's mental state would benefit from random people who didn't know her well talking to her as if he were still alive, although at least they would be more spaced out.

ChugahChoo wrote:

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry to say, but YTA. I agree with many people thinking that after the funeral, most people would think it's ok to post. I do think she should have added that the family requests privacy at this time though. His death doesn't belong to one person, and unfortunately, you can't control what other people do.

It doesn't seem like she did this maliciously. It seems like she's just a kid thinking that's the best way to honor her Uncle. But you're asking our opinions on this. Maybe you're doing it because you think you'll get validation here, but you're not getting it from me.

Mundane_Edge_8883 wrote:

ESH, but not for the reason you think. People were going to find out about the passing. It was ludicrous to believe that your father's death was going to be hidden. To be honest, it’s amazing that it went that long before people found out.

I understand trying to protect your mother, but if she was that bad the answer was dragging to therapy, not hiding the fact that somebody died. It was never, ever going to work. I understand that you were looking out for your mom, and you, but JFC it was never going to be successful.

This post has clearly split people all the way across the board. Which makes sense, given all the perspectives involved.