'AITA for opting out of Christmas with my family since my GF wasn't invited?' UPDATED

My mum doesn’t want my gf of 2 years celebrating Christmas with us because she isn’t family and Christmas isn’t even her tradition. I’m so disappointed in her. Mum is now sad I may choose to stay at home with gf instead

Here's the original post:

I think you need a little bit of background here. None of my family is overly religious. Christmas for us is more of a tradition of meeting loved ones rather than a religious celebration. we all live in different parts of the country with busy schedules and Christmas is something we all look forward to because it means everyone is together at the same time.

I (m34) met my girlfriend (f33) 2 years ago, and even if I haven’t admitted it to anybody I was in love with her within a week. These last two years, despite everything, have been the best years of my life. She’s from the Middle East (her family moved here when she was a teenager) and is from a Muslim background, although she’s an atheist (so am I)

Because we started dating in the midst of a pandemic, my family didn’t meet my gf the first 1,5 years of our relationship. I have tried to include her in some zoom calls, but it was hard to introduce someone new to my family on a video chat. It was only last summer, when everyone were fully vaccinated, that I could introduce her properly to my family.

I thought their reception was lukewarm at best, which was a bit odd because mum always been too enthusiastic when introduced to my former girlfriends. To the point of annoying even.

Last Sunday my mum called me and asked about when I will be coming (usually its the 23rd-27th) I answered that my gf is working on the 23rd so we’re caching the first train on 24:th. My mother was confused and asked why (girlfriends name) would be coming? This is a family only occasion. I told her that she was family.

My mum was taken aback and told me that neither my girlfriend nor the family would feel comfortable having her because they only have met her a few times. Maybe she should wait until next Christmas if we’re still together and they got to know her better.

I asked her if everything was ok, if my gf had done anything wrong because my mum has welcomed my girlfriends in the past, some of them I only dated for a few months. She told me we are adults now and things are different. I told her that I should think about it . “What do you mean think about it?”. I told her that I need to rearrange my plans and call her back.

Yesterday (Tuesday) mum called again . She asked me if I had told my gf that she isn’t going to celebrate Christmas with us. No. Mum started crying saying that I was choosing a woman over them. I wasn’t. She said that she had already planned the food and sleeping arrangements. We can bring our own food. She then said that it was disrespectful of me to try and impose my gf on them.

“Why does she need to celebrate with us? I mean, Christmas isn’t really a tradition of hers, is it?” It honestly took me a few seconds to realize what she meant. “Are you telling me that my gf isn’t welcome because she comes from a different background? Why didn’t you start with this information?”

She got flustered and started to explain away in panic. That my gf might get offended by our traditions. Maybe she would feel left out. Of course it wasn’t about her being from different culture bla bla bla. I told her I needed to think about what she said

My brother called me later that day asking what’s up. I told him everything. He said that he could understand where mum is coming from and that both my sister and his (brother’s) wife thought it odd that a stranger would be living with us without forewarning.

I admit that I just assumed that both me and my gf were welcome because they all know it is serious between us. I don’t know if I am acting entitled because mum should host and not host whoever she wanted. But I can’t help but feel that mums main reason is that my gf is from a different background and I feel revolted by it. I never thought it of her.

She’s spent her life helping people with different backgrounds and even spent a few years in remote places aiding people in need (she’s a nurse). Also, respecting her right to invite whoever doesn’t seem to be enough either because she seems to be sad that I may want to spend Christmas with my gf instead. We both work a lot and we’re looking forward to spending our vacation together.

I don’t know what to tell my gf either. I still haven’t told her anything because I don’t want to hurt her. It was all my fault I don’t want her to pay for my naive assumptions. Help me sort out my feelings. I don’t know what my next step should be.

He then shared this update:

Unfortunately mum has called my gf before I had the chance warn her. I just spoke with gf on the phone. Mum called her today when she was at work to ask her to convince me on going home for Christmas. She told my gf it wasn’t personal but she didn’t feel it was right for gf to tag along.

She promised to invite her next Christmas if we were still together and told her that it’s important for her (mum) to have her children around her on Christmas and that gf surely understood where mum’s coming from. Now I’m pissed. I’m meeting my gf for lunch tomorrow. I asked her not to answer any of mums calls until we’ve talked. How unfortunate this is. Thanks everyone for listening.

Here's what top commenters had to say:

BelowAboveAvg said:

This is simple. Do you see your future with your GF? If yes, stay home with her.

SaltyDangerHands said:

Your mom has the right to host and not host whoever she wants. You, however, have the right to refuse, to not attend. You aren't choosing your gf over your mom. Your mom has decided that excluding your GF is more important than including you, which is her right, but you don't have to play along.

Intentional or not, I have no time or patience for parental power plays. My mother tried to pull something similar when my ex-wife and I first got together and I very plainly told her not to call me until she was over it. If you're going to exclude my partner, then you're excluding me too.

Tell your mom you're not the one making decisions here, she is. On general principle, you're not going anywhere that your GF isn't welcome, especially if it has anything to do with her culture or ethnicity. That's discrimination and you're not going to be party to it.

My partner and I are a package deal. If my best friend wants to have a drink just him and I, that's fine. If my mom wants coffee or a movie just the two of us, that's great. If it's a holiday celebration, if it's a whole long weekend thing, no, you don't get to ask me to leave my partner at home alone, or to exclude them. That's a big fuck you from me, I'd be annoyed if not downright angry.

Stay the course. Don't get mad. Don't get upset. Just tell your mom you're a package deal and she's free to take that or leave that as she sees fit, but you're not going to be bullied by your family into disrespecting your partner.

techramblings said:

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I can't help but feel this is blatant xenophobia from your mum. You've already said that other girlfriends in the past - some of which were much shorter duration relationships than your current one - were invited to Christmas with your family.

This is definitely a hill worth dying on. Unless your mum has an actual good reason why she shouldn't be there (and I honestly can't think of one), then enjoy Christmas with your GF, and just do a video call with your family. And if anyone else in the family tries to berate you, don't feel afraid to point out the obvious double standards.

And MouthwashAndBandaids said:

You didn’t make any improper assumptions with your family. You and your girlfriend have been together for 2 years! It’s not like you just met. I’d be clear with mom, “I’m hurt that girlfriend is not invited to Christmas.

I want to spend my holiday with everyone but since you do not want her there I will not be coming. She is a wonderful person and is very important in my life and I’m sorry that you don’t see that. Enjoy your holiday.”

For girlfriend I’d say, “I’m so sorry but we won’t be heading to my families for Christmas anymore. They are not happy that we are together, and I don’t understand why that is. You are so important and loved and if they can’t see that, it’s them that as missing out.” Be truthful. Be loving. But, take her side and stand up for her.

A few days after Christmas was over, he shared this second update:

Hi again! I appreciate all the support I got. I wish you guys had a happy Christmas. I had a very cosy Christmas with my gf. My girlfriend’s sister, her boyfriend and one of their brothers joined us on Christmas eve along with some friends who couldn’t travel back home for some reason or another. It was brilliant. Many of you suggested a getaway but we didn’t manage in such short notice but this turned out just fine.

Gf and I met for lunch the day after I wrote my post. I appreciate your advice about telling her the truth without sugarcoating it. It made me sad that my gf wasn’t surprised at all by my family’s reaction. She told me that she had suspicions about my mum and sister not liking her and she had a hunch as to why they didn’t.

She told me that I could go home for Christmas, because she knew how much it meant to me to see my parents,siblings and their children but that she didn’t feel comfortable tagging along, even if they changed their minds. I told her I was home with her.

Anyway when I got back to my flat I texted mum that I was staying in town for Christmas and that we could talk after and that she could under no circumstances text or call my gf without my permission. She didn’t answer.

Yesterday(Sunday) mum called and woke me up at 8:30. She said she and dad were on their way, so I drove home to wait for them. Mum had brought food, gifts etc and she started sobbing. She told me that my sister was so upset and thought I ruined Christmas because my nephews and nieces were very hurt that I didn’t show up and cried all weekend.

She apologized for calling my gf and she told me that she thought I already told her everything. She told me that she’s sorry for the misunderstanding. That she didn’t know it was so serious between gf and me that I would rather spend Christmas with her. I told her that she knew it was serious.

(I call my mum on a weekly basis and talk for probably an hour. I have done this since I moved out for college 15 years ago. I have told her everything about my gf. How serious it is. That we are planning to buy a flat and move in together next year. ) How could she not think the relationship was serious? do you dislike her because of her ethnicity? to that she started sobbing even more and told me that I wasn’t being fair.

I knew her more than anyone else and I knew that she wasn’t prejudiced. She just wanted me be realistic and to think hard about the consequences instead of ruining my future by running after looks.

If I chose to pursue this relationship, my children won’t look like me. She’s just being realistic because she’s aware of how society treats minorities, and she just couldn’t bare it if her grandchildren were prejudiced against. It would break her heart

I asked her if this was my sister and brother’s sentiment as well and she said yes. I was appalled. I would never have thought it of my mum, who spent her whole life teaching us kindness and helping others, to say things like this. My heart broke for my future children. I felt that I needed to protect them and my gf from these disgusting beliefs.

I told my parents that I needed space and that they could stay in my flat and lock when they leave, but that I didn’t want to talk to them more until I contact them. I told my mum that she absolutely isn’t allowed to contact my gf in any way for any reason if she wanted the smallest hope of being in my life. I left for my gf’s.

It’s now 4am and I still can’t sleep so I thought I would update you. I will tell gf everything because she needs to know all the facts before she decides on staying with me or not. Many of you have proposed proposing to her. I don’t know. I never imagined these circumstances when I pop the question. I don’t want to propose to make a point to my family I want to do it when it’s the right thing for us.

We have been planning on buying a flat and move in together in 2022. I think I want to go ahead with our plans because I refuse to let anyone interfere or change our plans for our future. About my family. I’m going to need to distance myself from them rn. I need to sort my thoughts and feelings out. I hope they respect me and leave me alone.