Woman gives cousin a Roomba, she says, 'don't tell me how to clean my house.'
When this woman gives her cousin a questionable gift, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for giving my cousin's wife a Roomba?'
My (40F) cousin (36M) married his wife (35F) five years ago, and in that time she's been a welcomed member of our family. She's an academic and works as an assistant professor in a major city in the next state, although she doesn't go to campus every day (she works from home the rest of the time).
My husband (42M) and I stopped by their house a while to for an unexpected visit, and were shocked that their house was a bit unorganized. It wasn't horrible, but the floors could've been vacuumed and there were dirty dishes in the sink.
My cousin's wife does most of the cleaning, but ever since she started her new job, she's had less time for it because she's always grading or teaching. My cousin doesn't clean much because his dad is very traditional about gender roles and didn't raise him to help his wife clean the house.
My cousin's wife has done a good job in teaching him to do more around the house, but it's been a long process.
When my cousin's wife had a birthday recently, my sister (45F) and I decided to buy her a Roomba to help her keep the house clean.
My cousin had privately apologized to me after my last visit, for the house not being as clean as it could've been, so my sister and I thought that the Roomba would be useful for her.
Well, apparently it wasn't. She got upset at the implications that she was a bad housekeeper, saying that we shouldn't tell her how to run her house, and that it was solely her responsibility to clean, instead of our encouraging our cousin to help her more often.
The thing that angered me was that my cousin's wife donated the Roomba to Goodwill - if she didn't want the gift, she could've returned it to me so my sister and I could've gotten our money back.
I don't think that I'm TA, because she could use the help, but now my cousin tells me that my cousin's wife is still upset and won't come to family gatherings. The holidays are coming up, and everyone will ask where she is when she doesn't show up.
My cousin is mad because he'll be in the middle and forced to explain her absence diplomatically. AITA?
Let's find out.
starlight92 writes:
The cousin apologizing annoyed me so much. In the effort it took to apologize he could have swept. Also YTA
aambtba writes this thoughtful comment:
Oh boy, YTA big time. First of all, with season changes, hectic jobs and life in general things sometimes have to temporarily fall to the wayside in order to juggle the greater priorities.
You stopped by for an unexpected visit and you're shocked that she was unprepared to receive visitors? I would understand concern if the house had piles and piles of stuff throughout making it impossible to move and creating a health hazard, but dishes in the sink and unvacuumed/unswept floors are nothing.
That's just normal, everyday life mess. Cousin's wife also said she works from home - what do you think that means? That she's just sitting around twiddling her thumbs waiting for something to do while collecting a paycheque?
Second, you say that your cousin's father taught him traditional gender norms but it seems like your parents taught you the same.
Along with examining why you're so judgemental, you should also examine what you've internalized and why you thought cleaning should fall to the woman in the family. Super weird cognitive dissonance on this front.
And finally: I'm glad she donated it. You deserved to lose money for reinforcing gender roles and suggesting your cousin's wife isn't doing enough. Once you've gifted something you don't get to choose what someone does with it.
lowry92 agrees:
Slight YTA. I don’t think you meant to insult her, but you did. It’s unfair that the cleaning is solely on her. I think it worth reflecting on if it occured to you to buy your cousin a roomba for his birthday?
If it didn’t, why not? Are you also feeding into the narrative that cleaning is solely down to her? Your cousin lives in the house too, and reinforcing him doing the bare minimum while she stretches herself too thin and even ends up getting cleaning supplies for her birthday is completely unfair.