'Just found out my BF of 3 years cheated while we're on vacation together.' UPDATED 5X

"Boyfriend of 3 years just admitted to cheating, we're on vacation together, I don't know what to do."

TLDR; Boyfriend cheated, I want to believe it was a one time thing and forgive him and enjoy our vacation but don't know how.

I (30F) have been in a seemingly happy relationship for a little over 3 years. My boyfriend (32M) is wonderful. We have lived together for about 2 years, rarely ever argue, we have so much in common and honestly he is my best friend. I love him and know that I want to marry this man.

He flew to his hometown yesterday, I flew down this morning and we are both catching a plane in the morning to go on vacation together for 6 days with 2 other friends of ours. Everything is paid for and cancellations are not possible this last minute. I've been in our hotel room bawling my eyes out and dry heaving for the past 2 hours.

I ubered from the airport and when he came down to help me with my bags I immediately knew something was wrong. He looked like hell and was visibly nervous. Once we got into the hotel room he started tearing up and told me he had something to tell me, that he knows I'm going to leave him but he can't keep a secret like that from me.

He explained how he and a few of his childhood friends all went to a bar and he ran into a girl he went to college with. They never slept together but did go on a few dates almost 7 years ago. She invited him and a group of other people back to her house where they all proceeded to get drunk and do cocaine all night (I know about the occasional cocaine use) and just catch up.

Basically he and the college friend ended up hooking up and then she drove him to our hotel early this morning. He hasn't talked to her since and swears that it means absolutely nothing. He said she's not even attractive and that he was just messed up. He says it was a big mistake and is begging for my forgiveness.

A huge part of me wants to ask for every last detail but I'm scared to know that there is potentially more to the story. I don't know. I want to forgive him and enjoy our time away but I truly don't know how.

Are there such occasions where you really can't help yourself and it really was a spur of the moment mistake? Or is there something hidden beneath the surface and my happy relationship has been anything but this whole time?

Commenters weighed in to offer advice:

[deleted] said:

The money for the trip is already wasted, whether you stay there or not. Unless you like spending a week in a nice place crying constantly and dealing with it all whilst everyone around you is having a great time.

Just catch an early flight home so that you can start dealing with it now. Staying there with him is not going to solve anything and will make things worse. And know that mistakes are like dropping a glass or stubbing your toe on a couch - not sleeping with an old girlfriend.

iamconfusion93 said:

"she's not even attractive" is such an awful excuse... As if it would be okay by him if she was good looking? The drugs were a red flag, the cheating is a while other thing.

And [deleted] said:

Enjoy the trip, possibly on your own. Then break up.

UPDATE #1:

After basically begging him he told me the name of the girl and I reached out to her. I called her and put her on speaker so we all three could talk. Unfortunately, I'm learning the situation was much worse than the story originally told and I will be on a flight home in a few hours. This other girl is not unattractive. They didn't use protection.

He and her had been flirty the entire 3 hours before they finally slept together. Hand holding, sitting on his lap, making out a lot, and then a lot of other stuff. I feel like I want to die.

Update #2:

First I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has commented or messaged me. I appreciate all the kind messages, words of advice and even some of the more harsher messages and comments. You guys have helped more than you could imagine.

I flew home this morning, took a nap, packed some of my things, took our cat and am staying with a friend for the 6 days he's away. He didn't want to go on the trip but I insisted. I told him if he has ever loved me, to please give me the time and space I deserve. Unfortunately, our relationship is broken beyond repair. The reasoning behind why he cheated doesn't matter because the fact remains that he did.

That in all of our time together I've never even considered or wondered about another man and the first chance he got, he chose to sleep with someone else. I believe that he loves me and quite possibly is sorry. I don't however believe that he has any respect for me or our life together. I don't know that I'd ever forgive him or trust him again. No respect and no trust means no relationship.

We do have a shared life so the ending of this relationship is not quite as easy as me packing and leaving and not looking back. We have shared accounts, both of our names on our lease, shared phone plans and car insurance. Basically, the next few weeks are going to be rough.

Update #3:

I have no idea if anyone cares about the outcome of this situation but it is almost cathartic to write it all down so i'm doing it anyway. I finally have a calm moment to sit at my computer and compose a logical thought.

Upon me returning home he and I had very little communication at my request. I had originally planned to spend the week at my friend's home to process this life altering event but early this afternoon he texted me telling me he was home.

Now, some people might think that shows a lot of effort on his part, that he's remorseful and rather than enjoy his vacation he flew home to talk. Perhaps I would feel that way too except I asked for space. I told him that if he had ever loved me he would give me time alone. He couldn't even give me that.

I agreed to meet with him at our apartment to talk. I only wanted to talk about and sort out all the details. Our finances, home, etc. We agreed on paying to break our lease, to stay on the insurance policy and phone plan together for now but unenroll auto pay so we're able to make our payments separately.

I also asked for him to reimburse me for what I paid towards the vacation from hell. I wanted to wrap things up enough in that moment to where I would have to see and speak to him as little as possible. I know that some communication in the future will be inevitable but right now I can't deal with it. I told him he can stay in our apartment until we have to leave. I packed some more of my things and left.

I don't know if he looked upset or if he was crying. I honestly barely heard anything he had to say because I was so enraged at the person in front of me, a complete stranger. I don't know if the past 3 years were all a lie, I don't know if he has cheated before or that he would cheat on me again.

All I am sure of is that he was capable of lying and cheating now. I refuse to be another cautionary tale of a woman who loved someone more than herself so she forgave a cheater only to be cheated on again.

There is a big difference between guilt and remorse.

Final update:

Thank you to everyone that has commented or reached out after my last two posts. I first want to say that I am doing okay, even after what I am going to say in this post, I'm okay. I am going to attempt to make this as brief as possible because I can't give this situation any more of my heart or energy. But it will most likely be long. Here we go.

I am all moved out of the apartment, my things going into storage because I am still staying in my friend's home for the time being. This break up has proved to be financially burdensome but somehow money has managed to be the least stressful part of this ordeal. It turns out that I never knew the man I shared my life with for the past 3 years.

My ex and I ended up having a conversation on the last day of us moving out. He seemed apologetic and sad and asked if we could talk. He said that he loves me, that he will always love me and he wants us to stay together. He apologized and said he would stop BS'ing, no more lies. I didn't feel the need to have a conversation but I did have just one question. I asked him "why?"

I never could have imagined in a million years that he would tell me that the reason he cheated was because I miscarried 6 months ago. Especially because of how supportive and loving he was during that period in our lives, I felt blindsided and betrayed.

He said that he knows that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done differently but it had caused him to resent me. That he was angry. He said he knew how this sounded which is why he never talked to me about it. He didn't want to hurt me - ha. I of course at this point felt sick.

My heart hurt in ways I never knew possible. Even the death of my father did not hurt in ways his words and actions were hurting me. Here is this man that I have unconditionally loved and supported for over three years. I was his biggest cheerleader in life, encouraged him to be his own person and to still live his own life.

I wanted him to be happy. We never went to bed mad at each other, we never called each other names, we never not kissed each other goodnight or goodbye in the morning. Our relationship seemedgreat and yet he's telling me for the last six months he has resented me, borderline hated me at times.

He admitted to downloading Tinder and chatting with women over the last six months. He swore that it never became physical up until the night he cheated and that was only because they had history. I have no clue if that is true. Honestly, I don't care whether or not it is.

The cheating is minimal compared to the words he just spoke. We were both crying and I handed him my keys for him to turn in. I gave him a hug and told him that he needs therapy and that I never want to speak to or see him again. I have a therapy appointment next week and will start to work on healing. I am looking at potentially getting a loan so I can get out of anything left that we have shared.

I also want to look into moving to a different city but that is still up in the air. I have changed my phone number and blocked him everywhere. There was never a chance of him and I getting back together and this just solidifies my decision. This will most likely be my last post on the subject but I once again thank each and every one of you.

The REAL final update:

I thought my last update would really be the last but a lot has happened in such a short amount of time, I figured I could close this chapter with a neat little bow. First, I want to say thank you to each and every person that commented or messaged from either post.

The outpouring of love is more than I could ever have imagined receiving from strangers. I see so many post on here with much worse stories and I don't know what I did to deserve the love and support, but I am eternally grateful.

Second and finally, me and my ex have not talked. There is absolutely no way for him to reach me directly as I ended up moving in with a different friend for the time being, he does not know about this.

He still thinks I am at friend A's home and communicates with her if there is anything that needs to be said in regards to business matters. She does not allow him to talk about anything personal and if he does, she does not pass it along. We have zero things connecting us at this point.

In my last post I talked about possibly moving cities and well, that happened! I was offered a job I had been trying to get for quite some time and the position finally opened up. I have been working from home for about a week, will work from home for another week and then I move!!

Rhonda (Kitty) is probably not going to be too thrilled but we have a vet appointment for some kitty meds to hopefully ease the transition. She's top priority, always. I love my new job, I love my friends, and I love where my life is headed. I wish nothing bad for my ex and have no ill will towards him and truly hope he can find peace in his life.

Often what we lose is nothing compared to what we gain, it's just getting past our human ego and being able to see it. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for coming along on this journey with me. I wish you all happiness and love in your lives xx