Woman thinks BF grabbing his phone away 'is not normal,' he calls her 'paranoid.'
'AITAH for getting myself a hotel room after my bf snatched his phone out of my hands when I wanted to take a photo of us with our friends?'
illhaveaburgerplz
My bf(M34) and I(F30) were at a festival this weekend and have been staying at his friend’s house since we’re out of town. We’ve been dating for 6 years and he’s always had a weird thing about his phone. We finally decided to make a big move in our relationship this year and I moved in with him and relocated since he lived in a different town.
This is a big deal since we don’t take moves like this in our relationship lightly. However, he’s still very weird about his phone - if mine isn’t handy and I need to look up something on google maps or on the internet, he’ll be right over my shoulder and/or will cut my time on his phone short.
Last night, my phone was at the very bottom of my bag and we all wanted to take a photo together. So I grabbed his phone for a quick photo and he ripped it out of my hands so fast it was so embarrassing. I was so upset I left and got myself a hotel for the night.
He’s now gaslighting me telling me that IM the paranoid one, but I’m standing my ground telling him his actions aren’t normal unless he’s hiding something from me. I’m not really sure how to feel and I’m stuck in a car with him for 4 more days on our way back home. AITAH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
offbrandbarbie
NTA. He could have just asked for it back. Have you ever asked him what his deal with the phone is??
The OP responded here:
illhaveaburgerplz
We finally talked about it for the first time today and he says he has anxiety about weird things popping up (ex: old nudes or weird browse searches). I told him there are ways to transfer those photos over to a private locked album so that could help with his anxiety about it and he agrees.
I don’t know why it had to boil over like this to just talk about it.
LadyD-10138
Or he could just not be doing shady sh*t…
R_U_N4me
Yep. He is doing some shady sh*t. When his gaslighting didn’t work, he changed strategy. This won’t get better.
Outside_Performer_66
He’s up to something.
After reading the commenter's initial posts, the OP returned with an update and more clarification.
illhaveaburgerplz
Wow! Thanks for all the comments everyone, I didn’t expect the volume of attention on this. One thing is for sure - it’s a touchy subject no matter what side you’re on.
The tawdry thing - we were in a long distance relationship for 5 years, so it was common for us to send each other photos during the week to keep things spicy. Due to iCloud syncing everything, it makes it hard to keep up with what’s in your gallery or not.
I had this issue too which is the reason I started a new AppleID when I got my new phone. (I’ve had an iPhone since my early 20’s and I wasn’t always on the ball with deleting things). This way, nothing synced and now had control over what was on my phone.
I’m still split on my thoughts on this. Your mind can go to the worst outcome in situations like this. But I had similar reactions to people touching my phone before I changed my AppleID & started over, so I can certainly understand his perspective.
We’re in a good place and have talked calmly about this. He wants to work on his anxiety about his phone and wants to work on not being so “addicted to it” (in his own words). Thanks again for all your inputs and have a great day!
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ash-b13
From experience, people are only like this about their phones with their partner if they have things to hide. I would trust your gut!
one-upping-MFer
He’s probably actively deleting stuff like crazy in preparation to show you his phone. Learn where cheaters hide stuff. (Deleted messages, Google maps location history etc)
offbrandbarbie
NTA. He could have just asked for it back.
Have you ever asked him what his deal with the phone is??
Apprehensive_Sea4038
NTA... but as someone who had an ex use everything on my phone against me I wanted to add a little. I still have anxiety over my current fiance or anyone using my phone because of my ex. He used to go through it while I slept to find something to fight over. From me having a group chat with girl friends and anything we discussed from wanting to hang out or venting about our days.
Or me sending a picture of our daughter with a birthday gift to one of my male cousins saying thank you for the gift she loved it (she was two and it was a stuffed minnie mouse). Or if I took a selfie because i felt good and thought about posting but it wasn't sent to him so obviously it was for someone else. I eventually stopped taking any photos of myself. Even any work texts were issues.
Literally, everything on my phone was an issue and no matter how many times I changed my password he got into my phone. And even though I trust my current fiance 100%, when he has my phone I still get little panic attacks wondering what he is going to use start a fight with me. Even though he never has ever done that to me. And it has been over 5 years since I left my ex.
pir8life83
NTA - But there is something that he’s not sharing with you about himself. Whatever it may be, I would be cautious about moving forward in a relationship where things are obviously being hidden, as you said he is always guarding his phone, so this isn’t a temporary action (because he’s planning something).
If you accept this behavior, then you should respect the boundary and refrain from handling his phone, especially to avoid being embarrassed in this way.