"I found out my boyfriend of 6 years secretly married his ex behind my back."

So I (30F) have been with my current boyfriend (34M) for about 6 years now. We first met about 10 years ago when I was in university and had a casual friends with benefits situation since he “didn’t have the time for a girlfriend.” We ended up parting ways after a couple years of casually sleeping together since he was moving several hours away and it just wasn’t worth it.

Around a year later I started getting texts from a random number turns out it was him and he had moved back to our hometown. He ended up apologizing for how our situationship was previously that I had deserved a real relationship and that while he had moved away I was all he could think about and that I was “the one that got away.”

Maybe he had changed so I decided to take things slow to see if he was serious about me. At the beginning it was great I was finally getting the attention I wanted from him all those years ago and I fell hard.

Now this brings us to his ex who when we were sleeping together the first time I would get stood up and he would have to leave all of a sudden to go help her or take her to work, they also shared a dog but when you’re just the casual hookup what do you say.

This time it started to happen again, she would need help or need to borrow his truck cause her car couldnt hold stuff and he knew it made me upset how involved she was in his life still. But he would always tell me he felt bad for her and that she was crazy and that he was going to establish boundaries—she would call him all the time for things that could be texts.

As our relationship progressed it seemed like she was less involved in his life, even “supposedly” moving 6 hours away at one point, it put me at ease—I never thought he was hooking up with her at any point in our relationship but I just couldn’t stand her involvement in things.

During the initial year or so I was hesitant to introduce him to my friends, I wanted to make sure I was making the right choice and that it would work out. I had told people about it and I eventually did try to plan times for him to meet people to show him he was a good guy etc…things always seemed to fall thru.

It got to a point where my friends wrote me a letter saying that they didn’t think he was a good guy that I deserved better and that they were worried about me. I ended up saying I’ll break it off you’re right I do deserve better—I went to therapy to work through things to sort out why I was so attached why I was so afraid to let go.

But he kept pulling me back in—he’d mess up I’d forgive him and we always seemed to just work things out and then they’d be good again. He just seemed to have this hold on me.

When the pandemic hit I was very lonely and so I desperately clung onto this relationship to be what I needed to give me the human connection that I wasn’t allowed in other areas of my life. Over the next three years things have either been really good, the highs were high but then there were lows and they hurt—I was never physically abused but emotionally I felt wrecked.

I was always met with a I’m so sorry and I’ll try better and I want to be better for you and I was us to be better things are just hard. But I was always left feeling like he never quite showed up for me like I tried to for him when things were at the most difficult or even when they were easy. It had gotten to a point the last few months where it felt like I was begging for attention.

As of late I had been thinking I’m not happy, this relationship isn’t serving me the way I want it to but struggling with an anxious attachment style and a fear of loneliness combined with turning 30 this past month I was feeling unlovable and that if this man couldn’t then who would that I would be alone forever. I just didn’t know how to get out of it.

We don’t live together but he has a key to my apartment able to come and go as he pleases—I regret that. I kept telling myself once I can get my key back then I’ll break up with him I’ll move on I’ll fully heal I’ll be a better me. No one knew how much I was struggling—not talking about it with a lot of friends who knew about us as I didn’t want to come across as whiny or in an I told you so moment.

I felt completely isolated. I was just hoping for a reason like if I knew he cheated or if he decided to move away again that would be easy a clean break I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy for ending things.

Well I got my reason—in the past two weeks I found long brightly colored hairs left behind that didn’t belong to me or anyone I knew. Immediately my stomach dropped something was not right. I had some weird feeling that they belonged to his ex—we’ve all snooped online and I remembered at one point she had brightly colored hair—sure enough in her profile picture hot pink hair.

But did a couple hairs that came off him prove anything? When I Facebook searched her a marketplace listing for a pregnancy pillow was posted from her —-now this made me even more suspicious but also she has sisters she could’ve posted it for them for all I know. But I just sat there in the back of my mind stewing.

I forgot about it for a few days hoping it was just a weird coincidence—how would I even bring this up to him in a way I wouldn’t potentially get gaslit. When I was at work this morning I don’t know what prompted me to Facebook search her again—was it Mercury in retrograde-the incoming Scorpio moon—my intuition? Maybe I was ready to get my feelings hurt.

There she was but her last name was changed to my boyfriends surname and she had updated her profile picture to one of him and her (none of her other ones included him) and in the background of her new cover photo or a bouquet of flowers a possible sonogram picture but it was too hard to tell for sure.

So here I am wondering what to do—I’m angry, I’m hurt. Now I don’t know how to begin approach the situation towards him. I don’t know if I’ll even get the real truth but I know I have to end it—I just don’t know when I’m going to see him again—I don’t know how I’ll react or how I’ll bring it up.

I know I was looking for an excuse to leave the relationship but this was the last thing I was expecting—I just feel so worthless and used and lied to. What did I do to deserve this?

I just want to know the truth for closure but I don’t even know if I’ll get that from him—we talked on the phone the day I found out and I subtly tried to pry like I felt like something was wrong and that he didn’t want to be with me and I just got the I’ve been so busy with work and I’ve been so tired but I miss you so much and I only want you—but I know this isn’t true I just feel so sick and I don’t know what to do.

I thought it would feel easier to have a reason to be able to say screw you and get outta my life but I’m really struggling, I don’t know what hold this man has over me but it sucks. And further more do I reach out and tell her? What lies has she been fed for who knows how long? I just feel sick.

Commenters weighed in to share advice and insight:

HunterDangerous1366 said:

Simply text him, 'CONGRATS ON THE MARRIAGE & BABY!' Then block him everywhere and change your locks. You have been in a relationship with him for 6 years, but he's been playing you and stringing you along the entire time. You're worth more than what he has to offer.

pelogirl98 said:

Change your locks and ghost him. Screw this guy.

daisiesinthepark said:

Do you know his address? It might be nice to send a congrats card to the blushing bride so she can find out she married an a$$hole. Joking aside, I’d like to echo other commenters.

Change your locks, maybe get a doorbell camera installed, block him on everything and you could even change your username so he has a harder time finding you online. If I could gently suggest seeing a therapist too. You don’t/didn’t deserve this and I think it’s important to work through those feelings.

Glenn_Coco69 said:

I hate to say it honey... But you mean your ex secretly married his FIANCE. Because this reads like you were his little play thing until he got bored. And married apparently, I am so sorry.

She later shared this update:

So I am currently packing up all of his things, they may or may not make their way back to him. I am arranging my locks to get changed—I absolutely want to feel safe in my home and couldn’t live with that paranoia. And he will be blocked on all forms of communication—it will be hard to rip off the bandaid but I know it has to be done.

I know if my original post I said I was originally looking for closure and as I sit with all this information, a lot of you are right, I do have my reason and that anything he would have to say to me now in response will most likely be lies and gaslighting and obviously I have fell victim too many times to his excuses.

I am seeking out therapy and I know it will be a lot to unpack and It will be hard but I truly want to work on myself and be happy and yes I am scared sh!tless to go forward but I know deep down it is for the best.

I think I was just trying to rationalize and makes sense of everything, having an anxious attachment style and previous abandonment issue from my childhood this man knew all my weak spots and obviously exploited them and as many of you pointed out he was my addiction and I was always chasing the high.

Obviously I couldn’t pack in every detail of our relationship and how could I have put up with that for so long, and yes there is more in depth detail but it really doesn’t matter right now, I know I’ll be working through that all. But for anyone who reached out and said they’ve been there and they understood the manipulation thank you for seeing me in my time of hurt.

I know it is still possible for him to reach out, he does know where I live and work but I am choosing to be strong and no longer let him hold power over me. I know this pain won’t instantly go away but I already have a couple friends looking after me through this so know I am not alone and just need to get through the eye of the storm.