'My dad is secretly planning to leave my alcoholic mom. Should I tell her?' UPDATED
"My Dad is Secretly Planning to Leave my Mom.... And I Know."
My (28F) Dad (64M) called me drunk one night while he was out of town and explained his elaborate plan to leave my Mom (47F).
My parents have always had a weird relationship, my mom struggles with anger issues paired with alcoholism, and my dad has always just been weirdly complacent. My therapist says he stays because of the guilt from getting her pregnant when she was 18 and he was 35. My dad makes a really good salary (about $250k/year) so my mom has never had to work and completely relies on him.
As the title states, he called me while he was on a business trip and I am guessing he had one too many because he was slurring his words a little. But he told me about how he can't divorce her right now because he would have to pay her more in alimony than if he waited until he retired. He said if he doesn't believe me to call my younger sister (24) or my older half sister (36) from his previous marriage.
Which I did (the half sister has no contact with my mom and my younger sister is not on speaking terms with my mom from some drama between my mom, her, and her boyfriend). They told me about how he calls them once a week with more and more details and how much he wants to screw my mom over.
I want to be clear here, my mom was not the best mom (child services was called multiple times for physical abuse on me) and she was not the best partner (had an affair and again the anger issues).
My mom and I did not talk for a couple years after I turned 18 and after hating her for so long I started to actually pity her. Her father abused her (beat her, made her work and took her money all before the age of 16) and then obviously my dad groomed her and she became a very young mom. Now that I have a 2 year old, it's given me perspective that we are all doing this crazy life for the first time.
I have also seen my mom start to change since she became a Grandma, she is taking medication for ADHD which helps control her anger impulses and she is genuinely a kinder person. We have become close because of this and are working on our relationship as well and it's going great.
She listens to me and is actually a support system with my daughter right now while my husband is deployed. And let me tell you she is the best Grandma, she follows my rules, spoils her granddaughter, and explains the things she does to help my daughter.
I know this is a lot of backstory to lead to my question.... Should I tell my mom? Confront my Dad? Sit them both down and talk to them? Is this my responsibility to bear? Please help me!!!
What do you think? Should she tell her mom? This is what top commenters had to say:
No-Boat-1536 said:
She should file immediately before he has time to act poor.
Sea_Communication821 said:
He abused her as a child don’t let him abuse her as an adult. Tell her.
SemiOldCRPGs said:
Hard to get beyond that he groomed her and got her pregnant as a teen. I don't care how good of a dad he has been and how awful your mom, this absolves you of ANY requirement to keep quiet about this. He just added to how messed up her early life was and now he's planning on totally screwing her over on the downslope.
Just NO. Tell your mom to get a lawyer and divorce him first. Before he can hide more assets.
Necessary_Sir_5079 said:
I'm not saying that to mitigate what your childhood was like but damn op. Your mom has been used and abused her whole life, it's no wonder she wasn't super mom. She deserves to be warned. Do not sit them down and talk to them. Just quietly warn her what he's planning and let her decide.
And MNGirlinKY said:
Tell her but only when you are both in a safe place. She needs an attorney. The worst divorce attorney type / the kind who wants to make their clients partner pay and pay hard. This is the only way to protect your mom who wasn’t just groomed - she was abused.
I’m so sorry she was abusive to you and glad you are able to have compassion for her. It’s impressive you are able. Tell her. Help her and make sure your dad doesn’t get away with this. It’s an evil plan.
OP added some more background info. in the comments:
- I wouldn't say he was a good dad either, he didn't do anything but he knew about the abuse and looking back now it hurts more that he did nothing. Now that my mom and I are closer I'm scared to lose her again and for my daughter to lose her Grandma. What if my dad turns it around and I become the bad guy? Am I being selfish putting my feelings first?
- My mom was unfortunately very abusive to me and always blamed me for taking away her childhood but it was my dad, and I think she felt powerless against him but had that power over me. I think even more painful than the physical abuse was to see my dad do nothing. NOTHING.
Now that I have a kid, I look back and can't even imagine raising one at the age my mom was. If I do tell her, should I wait until after holidays at least? Or rip the bandaid? My husband is deployed so I don't have a fall back support system from my parents to help care for my 2 year old while I work.
- Just like a lot of people on this thread I feel bad for how my mom started in life. I did not talk to my family for years after I turned 18 but after a small life changing event I realized how important family can be and reached out and we started working on our relationship.
Now it's been 5 years since we've been in contact and I have seen her grow in ways she hasn't been able to before 🩷 and it has been important to my own healing 😊