Man demands divorce after finding out son isn't his; brings a date to court. UPDATED 2X
"I(32M) am divorcing my wife (33F) after finding out that my son(5M) is not mine."
OkDot3924
Well, a couple of weeks ago I found out that my wife cheated on me 6 years ago, the way I found out is that her sister told me after going to visit her to find out how the delivery of her first child was. She confessed to me that 6 years ago, my wife told her that she slept with her best friend, in her words, my wife was very sorry.
At the time she told me I was with my "son" and immediately after leaving her house I went to take a paternity test with him, fearing the worst. A week later, I get the results and my fears came true, my son is not mine. For some reason, I began to see the boy differently, more as an acquaintance than a son. With proof in hand, I confronted my wife at night when the child was sleeping.
She asked me who told me and I simply told her that it is none of her business. Although, obviously it will not take long to connect the dots that it was her sister, well, that is not my problem now.
Regardless of that, I asked her for a divorce, which is now in process. She was "devastated." She swore to me more than once that nothing happened with anyone again, that she has been faithful to me in body and soul since then. I held back the urge to insult her to avoid complications during the divorce issue, not believing a word she said.
After talking about it, she threatened me saying that she would demand full custody of the child. I was so angry at that moment that I told her okay, I don't want anything to do with something that is not mine, that she can keep the child and I'll keep the dogs. We have two dogs that we adopted as puppies and they are currently 8 years old each.
After my words, she tried to convince me to take care of the child with her, that I am his father. At that moment I exploded, I was so angry and I had held back so much the urge to scream that I just yelled for her to go, and to take her b*^%ard with her.
A week has passed since then and I am at home (it is in my name because it was a gift from my parents.) She went to her parents' house with her kid. She has not called me since then. She left with everything and the half-asleep kid when I yelled at her, especially since it was the first time I really yelled at her, it sure affected her.
I talked to my parents and my dad told me that I did the right thing and that I shouldn't be raising someone that is not of my blood, and I agree with him. However, the pain is still there.
My younger brother told me to write here to entertain myself, I am currently seeing a therapist 3 times a week, who told me that I have already taken the first step, which was to leave behind what causes me pain. It just hurts to know that my family no longer exists.
Regarding why my sister-in-law told me everything, according to her, she felt guilty seeing me always happy with my son, knowing that he may not be mine. She said that we went to visit her she just completely broke down with guilt. I don't know how true that is, I just know that right now I feel tremendous hatred for my wife and a feeling between pain and resentment for the child.
I just hope the divorce goes smoothly, we have separate financiers and properties and if she really asks for child support, I have proof that it's not mine. According to my lawyer that's more than enough if she tries a legal process for that.
My therapist also recommended that I not see him nor her, that regardless of the child's feelings, I should focus on my own first. They told me that the child is no longer my problem and the sooner I accept it, the better. Sorry for any misspellings, English is not my first language.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
S0urH4ze
The fact that you immediately disconnected from a child you raised as your own son for half a decade and started referring to him as "something that is not mine" is revolting. If you're that sh*tty of a person that kid deserves better.
Competitive-Ad29
This comment shows that you have never in your life had any one betray you like that of a woman you married and were lied to for 5 years. I should have realized you were a woman and of course would take the side of a woman. Besides that this man hasn't done a damned thing to the child but raised it. He no longer should and the biological dad should instead.
jzorbino
Stop being a drama queen. We’ve all had to eat shit from women, every one of us. Real adult men don’t need to take out our pain on children who aren’t at fault. The kid did nothing wrong, and at 5 years old almost certainly looks up to OP. The relationship might change, sure, and he might end up leaving the kids life anyway.
But this will absolutely be devastating and cruel no matter how it’s done, and to so casually go from “I love you son” to “you’re a thing and you’re not mine” is an excruciatingly f*%#*d up thing to do to a little boy.
PristineEvidence9893
You're wrong. I can't see allot of dynamics but I found out my son wasn't mine when he was a year old. I know my situation is different but how in the hell could I punish him for his mom's actions? I understand how you're hurt but if you ever loved that child in the five years you've been there how could you leave them alone with her?
XylixiaNeph
The lack of empathy for a child, a human being, not a "something", in this post is gross. OP is a psycho for referring to a child he's raised as his own as an object to be tossed aside rather than an emotional being who is going to be traumatized by the divorce of his parents.
Edit: OP has commented and clarified some of his thought processes. I agree he is making the right decision to step away with the mindset he currently has. I never said he should stay or even maintain contact. The fact that he so easily emotionally tossed aside a child he raised as his own was the issue. That still seems to be a factor, but at least he isn't referring to the boy as an "it" anymore.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: I(32M) am divorcing my wife (33F) after finding out that my son(5M) is not mine."
OkDot3924
Well, two weeks have passed since my first publication and three weeks since everything happened. Not many relevant things have really happened, but here is a short summary:
Approximately three days after my publication, my ex came to my house and asked to come in. I went out and met her at the door, I told her that she is not going to set foot in MY house while I am here, if she is going to say anything , let it be at the door.
Well, she practically begged me to take her son back. She said that if I want to cut off all contact with her, that's fine, she deserves it. But, she can't raise a child alone. She said that she has job and that raising him alone is going to destroy her dream of being a notary (She works in public records and is 2 more years away from running for the judiciary to get a vacancy to have her own notary.)
I tried to explain to her in the calmest way I could that my therapist is the one who recommended that I cut off all contact with the two of them and to please leave my door before I lose my mind. I love the child but I don't want to take out my anger on an innocent, even less considering that this innocent is the product of her inability to keep her legs closed.
I said that the child deserves better and that she is currently responsible to give it to him. I don't know how, but that's not my problem anymore. After that we talked a little more, she resisted the urge to try to cry and make a scene.
We were on the street and she is someone who always took into account what people said about her. The last thing she asked me was to at least let her see the dogs. I told her no, that the best thing is for them to get used to her absence. Seeing her again after so much time will only make them upset and confused. After that she just nodded and left.
Two days after that she called me when she received the divorce papers, my mistake was answering the phone because, after about 30 minutes she was yelling, to which I later managed to say that the papers must have the number of my civil lawyer, so she can call her if she has any questions. After that, I blocked her number. She has not come to my house since then nor tried to reach out again.
That same day I contacted a friend that I made during my master's degree and I asked her to go out. She accepted and well, we've been going out since then. Finally, last Friday, I asked her to be an exclusive couple and she accepted. She has stayed over at my house for a few days.
She already knows my dogs and adores them, which I appreciate because I couldn't start something with someone who doesn't accept my pets. We are currently taking things slow. She knows the drama I am having with my ex and the child and she respects my decision. She asked me if I will ever have contact with the child again, I told her maybe when he is of an age to understand my decisions.
But I said that I don't expect it to interfere with my life in the future. She just nodded and said she was glad that I am prioritizing myself during this process. Maybe this took a little longer than I expected, but this is the summary of what happened these days and well, many people have been asking me for an update so here it is.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial update:
Longjumping-Tap-1081
Dude you suck, how do you explain this to the child. I have a five year old, if I found out she wasn’t mine…I wouldn’t care. The bond is already there. Maybe you were just looking for an out, you got it. The fact you already have a girl tells us all we need to know.
The OP responded here:
OkDot3924
That's why I said I will explain it to him when he reaches an age to understand it, it's said in the post.
Puzzled-Outside-7709
We get it you're a simp. No respectable man raises another man's child without first knowing the situation he's getting himself into. She manipulated him in the worst possible way and she deserves the blame not him at all.
tjwashere1
You both are not that great tbh. The kid deserves better then you both. As quickly as she opened her legs to someone else, you were just a quick to ghost that poor boy. For 5 years, that kid was calling you daddy and just like that? You're done? The kid at least deserves closure. Even a good bye. And you already got a gf??
From the outside looking in, your heart was never in that marriage or your family anyway, regardless of her infidelity. You were probably looking for a way out of being a dad and husband and got some divine green light.
humanityisconfusing
The mother sucks, but duuude, how can you be so cold to that kid? The kind of person that would step over someone in the street. But you love your dogs... hmmm isn't that a symptom of being a sociopath? Maybe ask the shrink about that?! Eta.. you know that kid will be f*%$#d for life by this rejection yeah? So fkn harsh.
A few weeks later, the OP again returned with an update.
"2nd Update: I(32M) am divorcing my wife (33F) after finding out that my son(5M) is not mine."
OkDot3924
Well, I'm officially a divorced man. In my country, there is a type of divorce called "Quick Divorce" in which, if there are no common assets, joint finances and children involved, the divorce can be carried out municipally and not judicially, avoiding the entire process involved, which would have included conciliation, distribution of assets, etc, etc.
Based on what has been mentioned, you can guess that the only problem was the issue of the "son" that we both have. Well, this leads to the issue of the paternity test, which made it possible to verify that said child is not mine and that my name was successfully taken off of his birth certificate along with my last name.
Regarding how the divorce went, it was not easy. My ex-wife tried more than once to use the child's "mental state" to make me return to her. Although I thought about it more than once, it was just remembering everything that had happened that allowed me to stay focused.
I must also thank my current partner, who supported me at all times and always supported my decisions, I already know that none of this is my fault, but having her tell me this also somehow helped me.
Finally, after many discussions and with our lawyers, I told her that I can pay her half of what a nanny's salary costs for her son while she fixes her life. But that the other half, she will have to pay entirely herself. Thank God, she agreed. But I told her not to expect me to take care of her son for her, to which she also agreed.
She has always been a person very dedicated to her work, so I suppose that having to be a single mother has shocked her a lot. In any case, out of curiosity, I asked her if she spoke with the child's father. She said that she tried, that he even lived with them for two weeks in her parents' house. But she said he and his son simply have nothing in common and there is no way they can get along.
She said she has had to intervene so that he and the child don't end up screaming at each other. So, after a few weeks, the guy just left. Anyway, although it is somewhat sad, she is a woman with a good job and with a good figure. She will have the help of a nanny, which will give her more than enough time for her to find a suitable stepfather for her son.
I don't plan to talk to him yet, maybe I will do so in a couple of years or when he's a teenager. But, if the child doesn't want to talk to me, I'm simply not going to insist. I understand if he hates me, so I won't try to have a relationship with him if he doesn't want to.
After everything we talked about, she told me that she hated me, and is even more angry that I got a partner so quickly. I thought this was very rude because my current partner was there with us and I had to intervene before an argument between the two of them occurred.
Even though she ended up signing the divorce papers and said that she appreciated my help, she couldn't stand that, throughout the conversation, I looked down at her, as if I felt no compassion for her.
She has always been a fairly proud person because everything she has achieved has been on her own merit. So, me looking down on her made her feel hurt and angry. I told her that I know what she's talking about, I just have the same look as always.
I seriously think she has some type of paranoia problem. But hey, that's not my problem either. The important thing is that she ended up signing the papers and that I can finally have my life again. Although, for a year, I will be paying half the minimum wage for a nanny.
It is a fair price for peace, I suppose. I had bad feelings for her too, but during this month I ended up just accepting it and moving forward. Yes, I hate her too, but not enough to say it directly or to wish her a bad karma. I suppose she has enough problems to deal with. I thank my current partner for having to put up with all this sh*t.
More than once, I told her that she didn't have to accompany me to meetings or worry about it, that they are my problems. But, she said that my problems are her's too and that I shouldn't carrying all that alone. The truth is that it has helped me a lot to take some of the load off my shoulders.
She also understands that I am in no hurry to get married, not this year and possibly not the next and she understands it. Well, at least this chapter of my life is about to close without long-term consequences for me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
ThrowRAprofe7337
She knew all along. Her sister knew all along. Probably even her parents, friends and extended family as well. Did her best friend/your former son’s father know this all along too? He immediately accepted your former son when your ex called him at her parents’ house without a doubt or even doing a test like you.
That proved something. For me, if she knew about that night then he also knew too. There’s no way she didn’t tell her pregnancy to all of her best friends including him, especially after they both knew they slept together.
For your former son, my advice is that you contact your former son’s father and tell him everything about your former son so that those two can bond together. Also, tell your ex to stop forcing a relationship between those two. I don’t think you’re the type of person to fully leave your former son like that.
That ex is now being exposed, showed her true colors as a narcissist. Good for you to finally get rid of her. Take things slowly with your new girlfriend so you can heal this wound at the same time too. You’re just 32, you may have wasted many of your 20s and early 30s to that narcissistic woman, but you still have time to find your true happiness. Hold your head high.
The OP responded here:
OkDot3924
I don't know if everyone in her family knew it, would be sad, but already happened, I hope the kid will be good and I want to be good too. Thank you for your words.
Time2ponderthings
Don’t help or give her a damn thing. She’s pure trash and a cheap liar. Forget her and don’t look back. Ever.
leadrelic
I just wanted to say, I remember reading comments saying “YTA for leaving that child” and so on and so forth, I respect what you did 100%. I can’t imagine how you feel, but congratulations to being divorced. I’m pouring a brandy out in your name tonight.
TrifleMeNot
OP took a date to his divorce meeting. Nice.