'My husband drunkenly confessed he has feelings for my SIL and hates my brother.' UPDATED

"I [30F] just learned my husband [31M] has feelings for my SIL [29F] and hates my brother [32M]."

Sorry if this ends up being a mess. I really need some advice.

My SIL: Kate. My brother/Kate's husband: Charlie. My husband: Jack

I've been married to Jack for 4 years and we've been together since HS. Our marriage is pretty great.. we have our ups and downs, but we're usually able to work through it and talk about our feelings like adults. We were just starting to discuss having children before this came up.. now things are a mess and I don't know what to do.

Charlie and Kate have been married for 5 years and have also been together since HS. My brother and I have been extremely close since we were kids. He's always there for me and I love him with all my heart. Kate is a wonderful person and is one of my best friends. She's my family now, too, and I love her to death. She's sweet, funny, and a great friend.

Charlie and Kate have a great marriage.. honestly even better than my own. They're a real team, they're always there for each other, and you can tell that they really love each other. From what I know, they're currently trying to conceive. I'm so excited to be an aunt. We've all gotten along until now. This is the first time anything like this has happened.

About two weeks ago, Charlie invited us over to have a few drinks and hang out at their place to celebrate Kate's birthday. It was going okay at first, we talked about having kids and our jobs and generally caught up. Jack ended up drinking way too much.

He started flirting with Kate and she was obviously uncomfortable.. told Jack to stop it multiple times. Charlie started getting irritated (rightly so, Jack was flirting with his wife and being a drunken idiot) and told Jack to stop (again, multiple times). I also tried to get Jack to knock it off and shut up, but he wouldn't, and I was honestly pissed off too.

Jack got pissed when Charlie tried to intervene. He told Charlie how much he hated him, then went on to confess how much he loves Kate and wishes he would've ended up with her. Jack decided to try to kiss Kate, she freaked out, and Charlie was done. He told us both to get out. I dragged Jack out of there and I was just shocked and disgusted at his behavior.

The next day, Jack told me that he did have feelings for Kate and was resentful of Charlie because of it. He told me that he loved me and would never cheat on me, he was drunk and what he did was a mistake. He apologized over and over again for his behavior, promised me he loved me and wanted to be with me, etc.

He apologized to Charlie and Kate for what happened, but they aren't happy. I'm still not sure how to feel.. his behavior was awful, inappropriate, and borderline assault. It also makes me feel shitty that he hates my brother.

I talked to Charlie the other day. He told me that he isn't comfortable having Jack around anymore, especially around Kate. Apparently, she's pretty shaken up by what happened (the unwanted touching/attempted kiss/love confession), and incredibly uncomfortable around Jack. I understand completely, but now I'm stuck.

I'm just angry, upset, and unsure of what to do now. I don't want my relationship with my brother and SIL to be ruined because Jack was an a$$hole. I don't know what to do about Jack's confession.. it honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach. It all came out of nowhere, everything was great before this, we were all friends.

Now my husband apparently loves another woman and loathes my brother. I want to salvage this because I do love Jack, I really do, but I have no idea where to start. I want to be a part of my future niece's/nephew's life, I want to be able to be around my brother and SIL because they're wonderful people and I love them so much. It's all crashing down and I don't know how to handle it.

Is there a way to work through this? What should I do? Can I salvage this? Perspective/advice/opinions?

Here's what some top commenters had to say:

omg_a_midget said:

You get divorced. He admitted while sober that he was in love with her.

LoveAberrantly23 said:

Honestly, OP. I think this was a gift to you. You were both just talking about having children together. You were literally just saved from being attached to this jerk for the rest of your life through a child with him. You were spared, OP.

You seriously need to talk to a lawyer and get a divorce in the works. I know you've been married for 4 years, you've been together since HS, but the length of a relationship is no reason to settle, just because you're comfortable.

You might try to justify it and say, "Well, he was drunk.." Well I say that's exactly the point! I'm not sure about anyone else, but alcohol/getting drunk makes things that are hard to say much, much easier for me. Liquid confidence, as they say.

He got totally trashed and let his emotions, rage, jealousy, and desires spew out, but not just to you, to your brother and his wife. He 100% completely betrayed you. He made an irreparable tear in his and your brother's relationship, she made an irreparable sh!t storm between everyone in this. Honestly, OP.

If you want to save your relationship with your brother and SIL, you need to get rid of this fool. Sometimes, there are scenarios that are worth the work to try and save a marriage/relationship, but this one screams divorce from every direction. You shouldn't settle.

You shouldn't permanently damage your and your brother's (and your SIL's) relationship over this guy. Most importantly, you shouldn't stay with a man that will apparently love you 2nd to your SIL.

And aleheh1513532 said:

Jack doesn't care about you how you care about him. He definitely doesn't love you nearly as much. You are waaay too young to settle for second best. I would not tie my life to this guy.

UPDATE:

I want to start off by thanking everyone for their advice, kind words, and even tough love. I have decided to end our marriage and get a divorce ASAP. It's heartbreaking and painful for me to do this, but honestly, I don't think I could live with knowing my husband loves another woman and assaulted her in front of me.

The fact that this is my SIL makes it even worse. I don't think we can come back from this and I would always feel like I wasn't his first choice.. plus, he touched and kissed Kate without her consent, which is an awful thing to do by itself. I sat down and really, really thought about what happened and how it made me feel.

It made me feel disgusted, hurt, and angry. It made me feel like an idiot. It broke my heart. I couldn't believe the man I loved, the man I have been with for over a decade of my life, would betray me and hurt me like this. It almost doesn't feel real. To think we were going to have kids, to think I trusted him and gave him all the love I could. It hurts.

A lot of you suggested that maybe he married me so he could be close to Kate. We sat down last night, I showed him your comments, and he broke down. He admitted to me that yes, he did marry me to be closer to her. It's always been her. From day one of our relationship, it's been a ploy to stay close to Kate.

Not only is this devastating to me, but it's extremely creepy and I feel bad that Kate ever had to be around Jack. His intentions were almost predatory.. who knows what he would have done to Kate if her husband and I hadn't been there to intervene. I honestly think he would have done some truly horrible things to her, given the chance.

He begged me to stay. He promised he loved me, he could get over Kate, he wanted me. I was his soulmate. We were meant to be together. He would go to therapy to work on his issues and we would be okay. He was sobbing and begging and trying to convince me to stay. I wasn't hearing it. I'm done. He's a liar.. he's been lying to me for years.

He's creepy, horrible, and I can't live with him knowing what he did and how he truly feels. I called Charlie to talk to him about everything.. like always, he's here for me. He's incredibly pissed at Jack because of what Jack did to Kate. Kate is still shaken up and upset; she feels violated and her trust in Jack, someone she considered her friend for years, has been destroyed.

Charlie told me that if I had chosen to stay with Jack, it was very likely our relationship would have died right then and there. Charlie told me he refused to talk to anybody who believed what Jack did to Kate (assaulted her) was okay or forgivable.. even if that somebody was me. He also thinks what Jack did to me for all these years is beyond cruel and he's angry about that, too.

I still have to contact a lawyer and get things in order. It's only been a day since I've made my decision.. but you were all so, so helpful to me. In the end, my brother and SIL are the people that matter most to me.

They're my real family, the people who love me, and they're here to support me through this decision. I'm young, there's still hope for me to find someone who sincerely loves me, there's still hope of starting a family, there's still time left for all of that. I'd rather take my chances of finding someone new than staying with Jack. Thank you, again, for everything.

EDIT/UPDATE #2:

Thanks for the condolences and kind words! It really means a lot to me. To address some concerns:

- I will be extra careful and keep an eye out for anything Jack tries to do. Like many of you said, his obsession is unraveling, so he might do something drastic. I'm going to contact my lawyer ASAP to start seeing what I can do, change all of my passwords, get my bank accounts in order, etc. I have also removed any information of my future whereabouts and plans as some of you suggested.

- I'm going to book an appointment with a therapist. I feel like it would benefit me and help me work through this whole thing.

- Kate doesn't want to talk to/interact with Jack, but she is thinking about getting a restraining order.

Understandably, she doesn't feel safe around Jack at all and would rather have nothing to do with him. She's also going to be extra careful, since she's the person of Jack's obsession and he'll probably try contacting her/doing something crazy. Charlie is there to protect her (he's a former Marine, 6'3" and pretty dang intimidating), so I'm sure they'll both be okay. We're all here for each other.

- On the bright side, Charlie and Kate are still trying for a baby, so there's a pretty good chance I'll be an aunt in the near future. There's still hope for me to find "The One." In the meantime, I'm going to focus on me and moving on from this whole thing.