'I'm breaking up with my BF for asking if I'd raise his "hypothetical" affair child.' UPDATED 2X

"I'm breaking up with my boyfriend of 7 years because of a question he asked me."

I 25 f have been dating my bf 27 m for 7 years and I'm about to end it because of a stupid question he asked me. Like 2 days ago we were chilling at his place and out of nowhere he asked me if i could ever raise someone else's child. I was confused since I'm child free and so is he so I said that he knows i don't even want kids of my own.

He clarified that he means if I'd ever raise and accept a kid that my partner would have in an affair. Honestly I was speechless, I don't even know what I was feeling in that moment. Anger? Confusion? I think I stayed there in silence for a few minutes before he tried to justify and say that the "hypothetical child" is not at fault in this situation.

At that point i was starting to get angry and asked him if he's trying to tell me something. He got mad at me and asked me how I could even assume he'd do something like this and that it was just an innocent question. I started to feel like throwing up so I just left his place.

I haven't left my place since then, he has tried to reach out and I assume told our mutual friends about what happened because some of them too have been reaching out and telling me to hear him out. I haven't replied to anyone, I just feel so drained and mad. He went from again trying to say that the child is innocent to saying he's sorry to telling me I'm overreacting and so on.

I don't think I've calmed yet entirely and maybe I will regret this when I will get back to my senses but I decided to break up with him. I don't think I can ever fully trust him after this even if this question was indeed innocent. He knows my family's history with cheating, he knows i lost my grandpa because he made some bad decisions after his wife cheated on him.

He knows my grandma has been abused her entire life by a cheating man. He knows all of this so I don't understand why he'd think it was ok to ask me this. Even if I am in fact overreacting this question planted some ugly thoughts into my mind that i don't think i can get rid of, I'm gonna throw down the drain a 7 years old pretty much perfect relationship because of a stupid question.

Commenters weighed in to share their thoughts and advice:

Reddit_User_385 said:

Tell him you would never raise someone elses child and that you would leave him immediately if it would ever come to a situation where he made a child in an affair and then see his reaction. Basically, play the ball back to him and observe.

shmoopybibble said:

This seems like a “would u still love me if I was a worm” question gone horribly wrong

OliveNo4975 said:

My husband & I, always love talking/asking those hypothetical questions, we love listening to each others opinion, we laugh & sometimes argue about it and help us know each other better. But, this case, I would dig deeper, he just asked you out of nowhere & tried to justify that the child is innocent..and your mutual friends asking you to hear him out..

So much red flag that this is not just an innocent question at all.. Was there any signs of an affair? Talk to him, before you make a decision, at least for the sake of your 7 year long relationship and talk to your friends too, they must know something.

And TailorJaded3750 said:

ask him. ask him why would he ask you that ? see what he says then reply. it could’ve came up in a conversation he had recently .. it could be his situation… it could’ve been a post he saw on social media. you’ll never know unless you ask.

She shared this first update in the comments of the post:

I get it. I definitely need to work on my issues and on my temperament but cheating is and will always be a touchy subject for me and he KNEW how it triggered me which is why I had that reaction, im not trying to excuse it but I'm just explaining why. Some of you said my reaction was over the top and i should listen to him first and you were right.

I admit I might have jumped too fast to that conclusion and I should probably work on that. I decided to meet him and talk, we did and at first he denied that he ever did anything and said he just randomly thought of that question but in the end he admitted that he did cheat on me.

He swore that it was just a mistake and it only happened once but the woman he cheated on me with got pregnant and didn't want to get an abortion. He said that he didn't want to lose me because of a mistake and that he loves me more than anything but confessed that he too wishes to raise that kid.

He was hoping he could do it with me because being in a relationship with me feels so natural and comfortable to him and he can't imagine raising a child with someone else.

He confessed to his friends and they told him he should try to warm me up to the idea and since he knew that the biggest reason why I'm child free is my fear of being pregnant he figured that I might agree to it because someone else was delivering the baby. He told me that he was always hoping id change my mind and that while he still regrets what he did we should view it as an opportunity.

At that point I was close to losing it and I almost started screaming at him, I know i should probably work on that too, and I asked him why he thought I'd agree with this when he KNOWS about what happened to my grandpa and grandma because of their cheating spouses and he said that this is completely different.

After that I honestly couldn't listen to him anymore so once again I just left. I blocked all of our supposedly mutual friends who kept defending him and I also blocked him. I'm devastated that our relationship is ending like this but he did the one thing that he knew would hurt me the most and I can't see myself ever forgiving him or accepting his child even though he is right that the child is innocent.

Maybe some of you were right when you said that he dodged a bullet because I would have been a terrible step mom probably.

A week later, she shared this second update:

First of all thank you to everyone who sent me their supportive words, it really meant a lot and helped me as well! Like I said in my original post I broke up with him. After that I blocked him and his friends so he tried reaching out to my friends and he also came by my place 3 times and tried to get me to listen to him. I didn't open the door and just ignored him.

After the 3rd time my best friend and her bf asked me if I'd like to live with them for a while so maybe he'll stop bothering me. It worked! I also told my parents what happened and they were heartbroken since our families have been friends since before both of us were born and they considered him part of our family but they support and understand my decision 100%.

They also talked to his parents and found out that he lied to them and told them that I wanted to take a break from our relationship because I'm "losing feelings for him and I want to explore my sexuality" (I'm openly bisexual but that is not true and I've never even once told him something like this..)

My parents told them the truth and they reached out and apologized for what he did and told me that they support me as well. Also one of the friends that suggested he tries to warm me up to the idea messaged a friend of mine and he basically said that he knows he messed up and that he's terribly sorry for suggesting that in the first place and for being a bad friend to me.

I told my friend to just ignore him. I guess it's nice that he acknowledged his mistake but I just don't feel like dealing with any of them anytime soon. Honestly I'm trying to tell myself that he's not worth it but it still hurts and it feels awful. I thought we were both happy together and that I was enough for him but I guess not.

So yeah that's about it, I'm slowly getting better and I have a lot of wonderful and supportive people around me which helps a lot. I'll stay away from relationships for a while and just focus on myself. I will also try therapy like some of you kindly or not so kindly suggested! Thank you again to the kind strangers who were being supportive! I haven't replied to anyone but I've read them.

Thank you for listening to me and apologizes if there are any mistakes as english is not my first language.