'My BF flirted with someone else in front of me but he says it's okay because he’s a 'wingman.'" UPDATED

"My BF (29M) flirted with someone else in front of me (28F), but he doesn’t feel it was wrong because he’s a 'wingman.'"

I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for almost 8 months now. Last night we went out to a bar with our mutual friend (27M) who’s single and very shy with women. My bf thought he could be a wingman for him which I was fine with.

Later on that night, while the three of us stood at this bar my bf looked at me and our mural friend and said “watch this” and proceeded to approach this beautiful blonde woman standing nearby with her friends. He asked her what time it was, when the bar closed, where she was from, and a few other things I couldn’t make out. I was so confused at this point.

After this, my bf turns to our mutual friend and explains the questions he asked her that led to her opening up and engaging in conversation. He clarified with me that it meant nothing, and I tried to shrug it off. But after a few minutes stewing I got pissed off and shut down.

He asked me what was wrong and admittedly I got a bit petty and said “maybe I should hit on a hot guy here in front of you and see how you feel”. He got upset at that and shut down.

Our mutual friend tried to diffuse the situation by saying that my bf didn’t mean to hurt me and. Was only trying to help wingman. I wasn’t buying it. My bf soon ordered an Uber and we rode home. Our mutual friend went his separate way so then it was just me and bf. He got me a water out of the fridge but I didn’t say anything.

After a few minutes I lay on the couch and he says goodnight and heads to his bedroom. I blurt out “aren’t you going to apologize?” He gets all defensive and so do I. We argue. He claims that because he said he was going to wingman and because he said “watch this” that that made it ok.I told him that the roles were reversed he would be mad at me.

Eventually he cuts me off and says that we should continue. In the morning. I’m full on crying at this point, but he still goes to his bedroom, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. The next morning he’s doing nice things for me but no apology.

I texted him earlier today asking for a break and he respected that. But when we talked on the phone an hour ago he claimed that we both overreacted and a few others things I didn’t agree with. Where do we go from here? I don’t trust him anymore, the man he was last night is not the one I fell in love with.

What do you think about this situation? How would you react? This is what top commenters had to say:

Kal_El-of-Krypton said:

I think your BF doesn't understand what a wingman is, and how a wingman works...

noreplyatall817 said:

Your BF can’t believe he’d think you’d believe his wingman bs? You called it correctly, he’s either too simple to realize it was disrespectful or he thinks you’re to simple to call him out for it. What the heck does being a wingman have to do with hitting on women in the first place? I think it’s time to find a smarter BF?

mands73 said:

Tbh I think you’re being a little unfair. It sounds like he was just chatting to her and then brought his friend in? Like a wingman should? I mean idk only you saw it but it really sounds like he didn’t do anything wrong. You two obviously have different levels of what you’re okay with or what you consider inappropriate, so that’s something to discuss about expectations for next time.

If my husband just chatted with someone else at a bar to try to help his friend out it definitely wouldn’t bother me. To be honest tho, you might owe him an apology for yelling at him in front of everyone (not sure what your tone was like but sounds like it could have been aggressive?) good luck OP

kzapwn said:

It sounds like he was showing his friend with no game what to do. If you went and hit on the guy it would be a different situation

And chaosandpayoffs said:

Until that night my impression of a wingman was talking to the woman saying “hey my friend finds you attractive” or “hey would you like to hang out with us all?” Or even coaching friend on what to do then watching the friend in action.

Him flirting with another woman then walking over to our friend since our friend was too far away to hear him is not only pointless but disrespectful. I’d he was going to hit on women himself he should have asked me if I was comfortable with that.

Reactions are mixed. What do you think?!

Six days after her original post, OP shared this first update:

A few more details about our argument over the phone the day after this happened. One of the first things I asked him was: “do you realize how f*cked up your actions were?” His response: “I hear you… I just disagree.” That felt completely disrespectful to my feelings. I then told him that I’ve lost trust in him. He then tried to flip it on me and said he’s some trust in me too??

We argued for nearly two hours over the phone. He claimed that I was using my severe anxiety as a “free license” to go off on him… that doesn’t make any sense because we’ve only had 3 arguments in 8 months.

And every time I’ve let my anxiety get the better of me and I’ve asked him insecure questions, I end up apologizing later on. Every time. Also, this is the one time I’ve gone off on him. Every other time, I’ve brought up something that hurt my feelings calmly and logically.

Later that night, I had texted him saying that we should stay broken up for several days then reconvene. He agreed. It’s been a week now and I haven’t heard from him. I feel like he should be the one to reach out right? At this point, I doubt he will.

Then, two weeks later, she shared this second update:

This will likely be the last update I post. After two weeks of no contact, I ended up messaging him because it was getting ridiculous. I asked him if he was home yet, and he said that he would be the next day. I asked that he let me know when he can come over to bring my stuff and so we could talk about everything. He said he would.

The next day, he explained he had car trouble so he couldn’t come over, but he could the following day. I asked if he at least made it home and wasn’t stranded on the interstate, and he confirmed that he made it home. I was a bit skeptical, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The next day, he asked if I was still open to talk 6:30/7 once I got off work. I said I was. He said that a friend was going to be waiting in the car while he was at my place (?). I was confused by this, so I asked if he was borrowing this friend’s car. He said that they were hanging out, so he brought him along. I told him around 6:30 that I was leaving work and would be there at 7.

He stated that his friend couldn’t wait that long, so he was just going to leave my stuff and drop off his friend. I didn’t even realize he was at my house at 6:30. He sent me a picture of my stuff out in the open in front of my door. This upset me because anyone could have stolen my stuff and I told him that.

He said that he was sorry he just had to drop off his friend, but he was willing to meet at a Starbucks halfway between us. I stated that I still had some of his belongings here and a letter I wanted to give him and I mostly just wanted to hear where his head was at. But by his actions, I could tell he wasn’t trying anymore, and I said so to him.

I said if he wanted the letter to let me know. He just said that h heard where I was coming from and that he wished me the best. I thought about responding, but decided against it. I ended up burning the letter per recommendation of a few friends. Thank you to everyone who gave their respectful opinions and support.