'My BIL confessed feelings for me after I went wedding dress shopping with his fiancee.' UPDATED 2X

"My brother-in-law confessed feelings for me after I went wedding dress shopping with his fiancee."

Okay, I’m pretty overwhelmed so I’ll start with some background. I have been with my husband for 5 years, we’ve been married for 2. Since early on in the relationship, I’ve been great friends with his older brother, partially because I always wanted one.

When he started dating a girl about 2 years ago, I went out of my way to make sure she knew she had a friend in me if she wanted since we’re the only girls in the family, we’re great friends now and since they got engaged 3 months ago, I have been helping with wedding planning and was asked to be a bridesmaid.

We went dress shopping today and had a blast, we went to brunch, had some mimosas, found the dress, and went back to their house to celebrate. I ended up alone in the kitchen with my brother in law a bit after being there and he said he just had to tell me something before it kept eating at him.

I was a little buzzed and confused but was not at all expecting him to say what he did, ‘I think I’ve had feelings for you for a few years and I’ve never been able to tell you and just needed to know if you ever felt the same’

I completely froze and just shook my head, I told him that no, I have never thought about him in any way other than a friend and a brother and I never would. Before he said anything else I bolted back to his fiancé and the other girls there and very discreetly told her I got my period and wasn’t feeling well and would have someone come get me and then come by soon for more wedding planning.

She thought nothing of it and I called my best friend to come get me. She dropped me off at home, my husband is working right now and there is no question that I am going to tell him as soon as he gets home. But I just have no idea where to go from there.

Do I tell his fiancée, do I make him tell her, do I leave it, do I have my husband talk to him? Has anyone ever had something like this happen or have any advice? Anything is appreciated.

This is what top commenters had to say:

Select-Sweet-838 said:

Talk to your husband first cuz what if you tell her and he tries to flip it saying you said those things 🥺

OP responded:

My comfort in this thought is that I believe my husband and I have a really strong and trusting relationship and I don’t think he would ever believe that. As soon as he gets home I will tell him, I’m just not going to do the ‘we need to talk about something when you get home’ because I know that would put a pit in his stomach and I won’t do that to him.

Evaporate3 said:

One step at a time. You already plan to tell your husband. Your husband is your team mate so decide together what to do.

This is such a hard situation to be in. He put you in a weird place. You’d be betraying your BIL’s fiance for not telling but if you do tell, things in the family will get weird and divided- but that wouldn’t be YOUR fault. I am pissed he did this to you. wtf did he think you were going to do? Leave his brother for him? RIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING?? I would reach out to the BIL and chew him out.

OP wrote:

You’re right, one step at a time. I think I’m trying to think 10 steps ahead because that’s just who I am and this is impossible to plan for because it’s so messed up! My husband and I always say it’s us against the problem so of course I will tell him immediately and we’ll plan together.

ivy5kin said:

You tell your husband first. Discuss everything with him and then make a plan. You are a team. Listen to what your husband think about talking to his brother first vs. telling the fiance.

In my opinion, you and your husband should talk to his brother together and let the brother tell his fiancee. If he won't tell her then tell the fiancee before they get married.

OP:

This plan was my first thought! Except I am leaning towards him talking alone with his brother first.

And Jsmith2127 said:

Tell your husband immediately. Your BIL was trying to shoot his shot with you, before he went through with his wedding. He was actively trying to steal his brother's wife. It's time for both you and your husband to distance yourselves from BIL.

Maybe together you and your husband can talk to his fiancee , afterwards. I wouldn't approach her. Alone. Do it fast before BIL preemptively tries to tell your husband or his fiancee that you tried to hit on him, because he thinks you will tell on him, after you shut him down

The next day, she shared this first update:

Thanks to everyone who helped calm my panicked mind after my post. I didnt want to tell me husband ‘we need to talk’ while he was still at work and make him panic so having some reassurance from here was really helpful. I also noticed a lot of people asking for an update, so here is one that even I was shocked by as I lived it. It’s not exactly the earth shattering blow up most people thought it would be.

My husband came home and he immediately knew I had something on my mind. I explained the whole thing and he was livid at his brother, thankfully he gave me a hug and I broke down crying from the stress. He assured me I did everything right and it wasn’t my fault.

After that, he went to call his brother and tell him that he knew what happened and wanted to talk to him one on one. Well it turns out that his brother and fiance were already on their way to our house to talk about it.

As soon as the other girls left, not long after me, my BIL confessed everything to her. First she slapped him, deserved. But after they talked and he promised her that his feelings for her were genuine, she said that he needed to apologize to me and his brother and then they could go from there.

So they came over and he and my husband went and talked, while I talked with his fiance. We both cried and talked for about an hour. I promised her I never had any feelings for him and had no idea he ever had any for me.

Apparently she had caught him ‘gazing’ at me on a family vacation once and thought maybe he had some attraction to me. So while this sucked, she felt some relief that she wasn’t crazy for thinking it.

He admitted she was right and thinks his feelings at one point were out of jealousy that his younger brother was ‘further in life’ than him, and he attributed that to me in a way. This was new to him as the older brother and they really hadn’t compared each other much growing up just because they had vastly different paths, it was little apples to oranges.

But now there was some perceived competition on a similar playing field. The feelings had faded but when she came home saying she found a dress he felt an urge to come clean and he wished he had said it differently or worked through it with some help before to actually understand what the feelings were before making this whole mess.

I don’t know about all that, but I guess I could understand it with a more clear head, I mean if the oedipus complex can be a thing then I can see him having some complex feelings that manifested as attraction, but didn’t effect his love for his fiance.

This all happened in one night and he was visibly distressed over it, so I’d find it hard to believe he could weave a whole story like that, so I’m inclined to believe him. Once my husband and his brother came back to the living room, my BIL looked like a puppy who just got in trouble. Also looked a little roughed up but I didn’t question it. We all talked, and he apologized to me for putting me in this position.

Where it landed, their wedding is on hold privately while they figure out next steps. Thankfully there was nothing booked and no dates sent out. We had gone wedding dress shopping just to get an idea and it was just luck that she fell in love with a dress. They are going to go to couples therapy to decide if and how they can move past this. There is clear love between the two.

Things will be tense, but I think he feels genuine remorse and my potential SIL says she holds no ill will against me and if they move forward, she’d still love to have me as a bridesmaid if I’m willing. My husband and his brother have some serious work to do on their relationship and my friendship with my BIL will never be the same again but we’ll see what happens from here.

We’ve also agreed to keep this between the four of us. But they will be honest that they’re doing some pre marital counseling before setting dates or full on planning.

I saw a lot of comments telling me to keep my mouth shut and no harm was done. While I guess I can see your point, I just couldn’t imaging keeping something like this from my husband. Especially if it came out later, and he found out I withheld it. Trust is huge in our partnership and even just omission feels like a betrayal of that.

Sure I knew this could blow up if I let it out, but it would be my BIL’s fault, not mine. He had all control over telling me what he did.

Thanks to everyone who helped me through that scary processing time alone!

A day later, she shared this second update:

So for this small update, my husband actually called his brother today and asked if he wanted to go to one of their favorite bars to watch the game together today, something pretty common for them or all four of us to do, before all this. My BIL was shocked, but agreed.

Shortly after, his fiance called me and asked if she could come over while they were gone. She was honest and said it might be awkward, but we would do this a lot and either do some diy together, get a puzzle out, or watch movies together.

She wanted to see if I’d be open to keeping this up as long as we were both comfortable with it while they work their things out so our relationship doesn’t deteriorate. It meant the world to me and I said of course.

All four of us agreed that they (BIL and fiance) would start seeing a couples therapist asap, and my BIL would see one on his own. Until they get a better grasp on what his feelings were/are and their own plan, we won’t get all 4 of us together and bil and I will not be alone together.

My potential SIL is one of the most level headed people I’ve ever met, and so kind hearted. My BIL used to have a lot of walls up that she broke down pretty naturally and this is so out of character for him. His proposal to her was so well planned and thoughtful and tailored to her down to the smallest detail.

He picked her a new outfit, had the perfect ring, even the blanket at the setting was her favorite color, a detail he did intentionally, and he had even arranged to have her parents there who live hours away. It’s clear that he loves her. And I truly don’t think that even if I did say yes, he would not leave her to be with me. Not that it would have been an option.

I truly see a road forward for them and all of us. We’re all committed to finding the best outcome for everyone involved. My marriage is solid, and we have our ‘marriage maintenance’ couples therapy appointment coming up soon anyway, so we’ll check in with an outside opinion but I’m not worried.

They are going to a consult with a therapist at the same practice in just a couple days. It obviously won’t be a quick and smooth fix, as this was messed up, but I’m much more optimistic than many comments here and wanted to share.

Good luck, everyone!!!