'My fiancé wants to try an open relationship before we get married.' UPDATED
"My fiancé wants to try an open relationship before we get married."
Hi. I'm at a loss of what to do. Me (F25) and my fiance (M24) have been in a relationship for 3 years, 4 years coming up in March. He popped the question a few months ago and I was so excited. I really feel like he is "the one" for me he's amazing in so many ways and I genuinely feel like he feels the same way. Or at least I did.
Last night we ordered takeout for dinner and we were going to watch the newest Rings Of Power episode. He was acting incredibly weird, not very talkative and very fidgety. He usually sits pretty still or relaxed but he kept bouncing his leg and tapping his fingers.
Eventually about halfway through the episode he pauses it and says he wants to talk about something extremely important. He sounded so nervous and I immediately got this sinking feeling but I told him everything was okay just to tell me what was going on.
He said it had been on his mind for a while and he didn't know if it was just the nerves of realizing he's about to be married, but he realized that I'm his first "real" relationship. Before me he had only dated a couple people in high school and it was never long lasting.
I asked him where he was going with this and he started crying. He said he was scared since he didn't have a lot of "experience" with other people he was worried if he was making the right decision. Obviously that hurt to hear but I didn't say anything. After dancing around the subject for a bit he finally just said he was thinking an open relationship would be good for us. At least for a little bit.
Honestly the second half of this conversation is a blur because my anxiety was so bad I was hardly listening. He said he loved me and he knows he wants me marry me "no matter what" but he wants to see what other people were like before getting into a lifelong marriage.
He cried throughout the whole conversation and he kept reassuring me that I wasn't the problem, he just wanted to "experience" other people since he never really was able to. He said if I agreed to an open relationship there would be lots of rules in place and it would all be very safe.
I feel like our relationship is ruined. I'm obviously not okay with an open relationship. He said I could see other people too but I don't want to. I only have eyes for him. I only want him. I only love him. He kept saying I have every right to say no and he would understand and he would never make me to something I didn't want to do.
But the thing is, since he brought this up, if I say no then I'm constantly going to think he's seeing people anyway. It's already happening. I used to have complete trust in him but now I can't stop thinking if he's already seeing other people. Maybe he's bringing this up because he cheated on me and he needs an excuse now. Idk.
My mind is everywhere. I don't know what to do. I told him I would think about it and he hugged me. He didn't let go for a long time. I slept on the couch last night I told him I just needed to be alone. Any advice is so so so much appreciated.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
It sounds like you can trust him not to lie. He was very honest with you. He probably needs at least a year to go on walk about before you consider getting married. He’s right, he has minimal experience. Does he only want experience? Or does he want to date other people and fall in love a few times? Does he really think poly is a good fit or does he just want to date new people and not lose you?
I would try couple’s counseling to discuss a long term strategy. I would absolutely not get married anytime even vaguely soon. Like minimum of 3 to 5 years out. No matter what, even if he takes it all back tomorrow and says that for a year. No, it’s too soon and he’s too young.
throw_RA_openlysad OP responded:
From our conversation he told me it wouldn't be a permanent thing. Once we are married it would be only us. I asked him what would happen if he liked it and wanted to keep doing it. He said that wouldn't happen and I asked him how can he be so sure. He said he didn't know.
He said if we were to do an open relationship then it would be equal on both sides. If we found someone we would let the other know and possibly do introductions if the other person was comfortable. He said he wouldn't download any dating apps and he would expect me not to either. He said if it's going to happen, then he wants it to be natural and not forced.
He didn't say anything about if it was a s#$ thing or just simply dating thing. I was too anxious to ask. From the way the conversation went though it sounded like he wanted more experience.
[deleted]
Why not just break up and pursue others if you’re fundamentally mono? Otherwise won’t it be torture for you?
I wish it was this easy. I'm positive that poly isn't for me but I love this man. I've been with him almost 4 years. It hurts. I just want to see advice and maybe some similar stories before I ultimately make my decision.
Four days after her original post, she shared this update:
Well. The update isn't great. We called off the engagement and broke up. He swears up and down he didn't do anything but he confessed he brought it up because he had a crush on someone and wanted to try it out.
I had been staying at my friend's house for a few days trying to figure out what I wanted to do. A lot of the people in the comments were a huge help to me mentally I appreciate a lot of you so much. I probably would have gone through with it but you guys pushed me to ask more questions. I asked him what made him start thinking about it and at first he went right back to his "experience" BS.
I told him if he wanted to "experiment" I would be more than happy to try some things out and I wasn't going to be accepting that as his answer. After a while he caved in and admitted that a girl who works at a coffee shop he visits often asked him for his number and that's when he started to think about it. I was heartbroken and angry to say the least.
He had said if we got into an open relationship, people we knew would be off limits. He said she didn't count as someone he knew because he wasn't friends with her and she was still technically a stranger. I told him he DID know her he goes almost every day and she's very friendly with us but either way it didn't matter because he had already told me there was no one he had in mind. He lied to me.
After some more arguing and crying from both of us he told me if I didn't want the open relationship then to just say no and we could move on from this. He was basically begging me not to talk about it anymore he just wanted to move on. I told him it wasn't that easy because I straight up do not trust him anymore. As far as I know, he could have already "experimented" with her.
He promised me he never cheated on me and never will. He said he would never go to that coffee place again and if he saw her he would ignore her. I told him he could see other people, I just wouldn't be in the picture. He got frantic and asked me if I was breaking up with him. I said yes.
I told him a year from now or even a couple years from now, after he gets all his "experience" out of his system and I'm still single and interested we can try again. From the beginning. No engagement. I personally don't see us getting back together but he was crying and clinging onto me. Honestly I'm disgusted.
I'm mostly sad though. Heartbroken. Pissed off. Lost. Confused. Anxious. We had our whole life planned out and ready for us and it got ruined by a stupid crush he had the nerve to ask to "try out" because of "lack of experience." I'm heading out in a bit to get drunk with some girl friends. I know a few people wanted an update. Sorry it wasn't very happy. Thank you for all of the advice