Nanny finds ex-employer's dating profile; asks if she's wrong to not let wife know.
'AITAH for not saying something?'
I ran into my nanny mom’s husband’s dating profile. For context I (23f) am a nanny, and I have worked for several families. There is one particular family that I am still decently close with (still attend kids bday party’s, get pictures, etc.) but no longer work for.
The other night I changed my age range on a dating app as part of a drinking game and bumped into a profile that caught my eye. There was only one picture from the chest down, face cut off, and bio said “looking for casual, discrete fun.”
My stomach dropped when I realized why the profile had struck my attention so hard. It was taken in the same kitchen I worked in for 2 years. And to really solidify my theory I took screenshots to zoom in and saw the picture frame with their WEDDING PHOTO in the back.
The mileage checks out however a fake name was used and I’m not exactly sure how old he is but profile says 42. I have held onto the screenshots and feel sick to my stomach when I think about them. I spent 2 years of my life around this family and this man and I’m disgusted.
His wife it the most genuine, beautiful, kindhearted woman I have ever worked for. I’m torn as I partially feel like I should mind my business, especially because I know it will break up a family I care so much about. So, AHITAH for hoping she’ll find out another way?
Here's the advice people had for OP:
Amanda T. says:
You can’t be positive it’s him. So before you say anything to the wife you better have proof it’s him. You can agree to a “hook up” with him and get proof but then again what if you’re wrong? Then you’ll have someone expecting more than you’re willing to give.
Cindy L. says:
Are you sure that they are not in a open marriage? If not it's kinda ballsy on his part to take a picture with his wedding photo in the back. If you can I would send the screenshots anonymously and let her handle it.
Kaitlyn O. says:
NTA, I mean not your circus nor your monkeys, but personally I’d want you to tell me if I was her, especially considering you worked for them and are still close with her. It’s not like she’s just some lady. She’s your friend. If you’d like do it anonymously
Connie A. says:
This is on him. Not you. Anonymously inform the wife and the ball is in her court. You will sleep better knowing you did the right thing.
Amber G. says:
Shoot.. if you don’t tell her I will. I agree with most though, anonymous is best.
Sara W. says:
Its the 'discreet fun' that's the biggest red flag for me id leave screenshots of his profile and all that in an envelope on her car or something anonymous though.
Athena C. says:
I’m a nanny and I’d 100% tell. Even the families I weren’t close to.
Meg B. says:
I'd send her a message. Something along the lines of- 'hey, I don't want to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but I also don't want to see you be hurt because (insert kind words here about your connection/past working relationship).
That said, I wanted to let you know I ran into a dating profile that belongs to (husband's name). If you have some sort of arrangement, and you are aware/don't care, great, please disregard this message. If not, I apologize for being the bearer of bad news.'
And, if you feel so inclined, you can offer help catching him in a trap, formulate a plan, etc (whatever you're willing to do, if anything.)
Mia M. says:
You’re in a though spot. Personally I wouldn’t say anything because if they don’t have an arrangement to keep the relationship open I wouldn’t want to be the one to break up the family. Also knowing myself I would probably drop hints so she can pick up on it. They have kids that’s what’s though.
From my point of view you are not the AH because to be honest it’s none of your business, but I understand how you feel.
Stephen P.
Mind your business. You’ll blow up any friendship you have with the family. Just because you can doesn’t always mean you should.