'My fiancé lied to me and secretly went to Paris to see a female friend.' UPDATED
"My (27F) fiance (27M) lied to me and secretly went to Paris to see a female friend."
throwrasecretparis
My (27, f) fiance Eric (27, m) has a friend Jane (20s, f) who lives in Paris, France. She had moved by the time we were introducing each other to our friends, so we've only met over video chat.
Me and Eric have been together for a year and a half, and before we got together, he and Jane were involved. He told me it ended badly but they did get over it. I don't know exactly what happened, I've never asked.
She is really important to him. They do talk once or twice a month over text or video chat and I know that they have a lot in common (I don't know Jane's situation but Eric's parents were abusive and I've pieced together that Jane's were as well). I've never gotten the impression that either one wants to go back to how it was and he's never given me a reason to be insecure. Until now.
He asked me to marry him three weeks ago, and I said yes. I was really excited to marry him. But then suddenly a few days ago he announced that he needed to go visit family. Which was weird because he cut his family off several years ago.
He has expressed to me that he has no interest in seeing them again. He said that it was an important family emergency, and then just left. He kept me updated and we talked a few times on the phone, he told me that his mom was having health issues.
I had no reason to be suspicious. (Edit: I'm reading that over and it sounds weird but he's always been very touchy when it comes to talking about his family and I didn't want to push it.)
But then, a couple hours ago I get a message from Jane asking if Eric was okay. I said that he was visiting family, so he was probably just a bit stressed out which is why he wasn't responding to her messages.
She then informed me that he is in Paris, with her, and snuck a photo of him in her apartment. I haven't replied to her yet. I'm freaking out. I have no idea what to do. He just got on a plane to fly for 12 hours to see her without telling me, presumably last minute. Why is he there? Do I talk to him? Has anyone else been in this kind of situation before?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
BlueDolphins1221
Did you ask her for more details on why she asked if he was okay? Unfortunately he lied to you. He fabricated a story. He runs off to see her. Did he have second thoughts and wants to see if she still wants to try with him?
PeteyPorkchops
He’s asked you to marry him and now he’s having a crisis involving her. Maybe he’s realizing what they had isn’t over (to him at least) and he’s trying for one last shot.
boglyric
If she is messaging you to ask if hes ok, then she's not 'in' on whatever feelings have driven him to visit her. My reading of this is that hes still into her on some level and wanted to perhaps see if there was any reciprocal feelings. If I were you, I'd rethink the relationship. This chap is not 100% sure that you are it. I am so sorry.
WolverineNo8799
Send him the photo and ask him why he is in Paris? I'm guessing he is visiting her for a final attempt at a relationship before he settles with you. To see if she is his love who got away. She knows this, and that js why she messaged you. If she was worried about him, he is literally with her so she could ask him. Update me!
Two weeks later, the OP returned with the requested update.
"UPDATE: My (27F) fiance (27M) secretly went to Paris to see a female friend."
throwrasecretparis
Thank you for all the comments and advice. I read every single one, and I appreciate all of the advice. I’m sorry for the late update, but I am extremely tired and haven't really sat down in a week and a half. To just get to the point: I left him.
A lot of people were concerned that he'd find the post, but I did change a lot of details. The main issue remains the same; Jane lives in a foreign country, at least 12 hours away, and he decided to go to her without telling me.
I also did see some comments discussing the "age gap" between Eric and Jane; Jane is in her late twenties. I said 20s because I wasn't sure at the time how old she was.
After I posted and the comments started rolling in, I had to shut my phone off. There were many people saying that Eric wanted to be with Jane, that he wasn't over her, and I started having a panic attack. I'm not an insecure person usually, and Eric had given me absolutely no reason to be.
But this whole thing… I felt very stupid and like I'd been blind. He was always very open about his friendship with Jane and how much she meant to him, but there was absolutely nothing that made me think he still had feelings for her. Honestly even if he told me he wanted to visit her without me I'd probably have said that was fine as long as I got to go on my own vacation. Anyway.
I got Jane on the phone the next day. Her story is that he just showed up at her door, claiming that he missed her and that he just “needed to get away”. She provided proof that she had no idea he was coming, and I have no reason to not believe her when she tells me nothing happened.
I think she was angrier than I was. At the time she figured that something really bad must have happened, either with me or with his family. She knew from past experiences it was better to just let him talk when he was ready rather than pushing it.
She gave it two days, during which he was behaving very impulsively, kept spacing out, and he brought up their past multiple times. They hadn't seriously spoken about since it ended years ago. He's usually the calmer, more level-headed of the two of them, so this behaviour was extremely out of character.
Finally, she decided to text me to see if I knew anything. After I told her that he was with his family, she put it together pretty quick that I had no idea where he was, and she confronted him about it.
They got into a massive fight that lasted for hours, and she eventually told him to leave. She didn’t really tell me what the fight was about, just that she yelled at him for not telling me, but after talking to him I’ve got a hunch.
Me and Jane talked for a long time. Both of us were crying by the end of it. I think this whole thing opened up some wounds. She told me their history, a lot of which really surprised me. Like how they weren't even really boyfriend-girlfriend, and he's the one who ended it.
He'd always given me the impression that it was a bad but ultimately mutual break up. It was just a really toxic situation for both of them and it took them a long time to get back to being actual friends after. Which brings me to my conversation with Eric.
He showed up a few days after I talked with Jane. I had packed up and left to a friend’s at that point. He came over to talk; my friend was in the place the whole time. We talked for a while. I asked him a hundred questions and he answered 5 of them.
He said he was sorry, that he can’t provide an actual explanation for what he did because he doesn't understand why. I said that that wasn’t good enough, and I needed him to tell me what happened.
He said he couldn’t, because I won't understand. I suggested couples therapy for us (he’s been doing it individually since before I met him) but he said he didn’t want to. He just wants to forget that it happened.
The positive explanation I have is that he had some kind of freak out after we got engaged, or maybe something did happen with his parents and he couldn't talk to me about it. Which is fine, I don't necessarily think that if someone is struggling the first person they should always go to to talk about it with is their partner.
I'm totally fine with him going to Jane if he was freaking out over the prospect of us getting married or if he did hear something about his mom (obviously don't fly to another country and lie about it but that goes without saying).
Jane could probably understand that better than I could and would know what to say. But he can't even talk to me about it now nor is he making an effort, so how does that bode? He just wants to pretend that everything is fine and normal and I just can't do that.
On top of all of that; up until now he's never been secretive about how he feels or what he's thinking about or his history. He hates talking about it and is touchy about people asking a lot of questions about it, but he's always told me stuff if I ask. I think if he was panicking over getting married or if something actually happened with his mom, he'd tell me.
I couldn't help myself and asked if it was because he just doesn’t want to talk about the fact that he wants to be with Jane and regrets how he treated her. He denied it, but I think I hit a nerve. He claimed that he doesn't have have any left over feelings for her other than the fact that she’s a big ‘what-if’. She’s important to him, but she’s the past and I’m the future.
This may just be my fear talking, but what if this whole time he’s been using me to try to make Jane jealous because he’s realized that he lost her. And he went to see her to see if she still wanted him just in case. I think that's what they fought about.
I think he went there to see her because he's realized he still wants her. And she's been off living her life without him, no problem. It's bad enough if that is the case, but if I take him back, what if she changes her mind?
I don't have a reason to believe she'll change her mind, she doesn't talk about him the way that I talk about someone I'm romantically interested in and now that I know their history I wouldn't want him back either, but who knows.
After our conversation, it’s obvious that he’s not 100% certain that he wants to build a life with me, and he’s not willing to do what it takes to fix this. I’m not worth the work. He won’t even try. And that's basically the big issue for me; I can't build a life with someone who won't put in the effort.
So I don’t want to be with him. I told him to leave, and he left without a fight. I’ve blocked him on everything. I've talked to Jane a few times since, and they have spoken. She told me that he's probably going to take some time off work and figure stuff out.
I hope he can get some help. Plus I know it sounds utterly bizarre but I think I've actually gained a friend in her; she's checked in on me multiple times and even helped put me in touch with a new place to live that I just moved into.
I’m really tired. It’s been a really horrible and busy time. Thanks for the support and the advice. I'm glad I found out now before we had started seriously planning or worse, after we got married or had children.
If I find out anything more, I'll update on my profile. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the embarrassment or good ice cream flavours to get through the pain though?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
WinterFront1431
It definitely sounds like he was trying his luck with Jane. Maybe thought he could get something to happen and then come back and either have got it out the way or leave you for her. Don't wait around for him. Keep him blocked.
GrandeJoe
Man, how awesome is Jane, right? This could have gone so much worse if she wasn't such a good person.
HaggisLad
Jane is one of the best characters we've seen in ages, what a champ.
SoVerySleepy81
Jane is a good egg, and I’m glad OP found this out before they got married. Imagine if he hadn’t done this now and when they decide to have kids she gets pregnant and he just vanishes. I’m sure it hurts her a lot right now but it is good that she’s finding this out before marriage.
Realistic-Airport775
It sounds like he isn't in touch with his feelings and buries them until it really becomes real and then he panics. Some part of him seems like he is still stuck in the what ifs, the other is going ahead with his life until it becomes really real and then the fear sets in and then if he doesn't try to fix what was wrong then what if again.
Instead of dealing with it, he is just burying and that isn't a good person to communicate with and be honest and trust with your feelings, so she is right to stop now as he isn't talking with her like you would be a successful relationship.
You can at least learn that is what you need when looking for someone else, you have values now that you can see what doesn't work for you. That isn't a bad thing for some people.