Woman asks if she's wrong for not letting fiancé invite his ex to wedding.
She says he has two children with two different women:
My fiancé (M) and I (F) are getting married in the next year (we are both in our mid 20s). He has 2 children to two different women, one was “accidental” when they both were late teens and one was during a long term commitment relationship with A.
He's close with the younger child's mom:
My fiancé and A still have a great friendship and he is more involved in her life due to them living in the same city while he’s not as close to the other mother (B) of his child and only really talks to her about their said child.
The wedding is coming up but she doesn't want his ex to come:
We have an extremely small wedding coming up. We both wanted it to be small and inexpensive and just have some close friends and family. My fiancé wants A to be there and at first I said okay but to be honest I really don’t want her there. He said she’s his friend and since he wants his 2 kiddos there, she’ll look after them.
She isn't sure if she's just being insecure:
now I do understand this but part of me doesn’t want her there. I’m not sure if this is strange of him to want or I’m just being insecure and an a**hole for not wanting her there.
She doesn't think they're hooking up, but:
Also no I don’t think anything is going on between them. I’ve met her and she is lovely but I do think she relies on my fiancé a little more then necessary on things that aren’t related to their child together who I do adore.
They're at an impasse:
My argument was it’s my wedding and I don’t want her there and his was vice versa so I don’t know who’s the as**ole really. [...] both my fiancé and I said “it’s my wedding” to each other [...]
She added a clarification:
we haven’t sent out invites yet! Because this is is a small wedding (max30 people), right now we’re figuring out who to invite and who not to…so many commenters are saying I’m the AH because “now I have to tell A she’s not coming” and the answer is no that hasn’t happened [...]
She added a few more details about why their friendship bugs her:
Another question is why don’t I like her? Many have hit the nail on the head with it’s more than her just being at the wedding. I think they have an awfully close relationship still. Now I’m not the only one that thinks this - I’ve actually met her family (parents/siblings) when meeting their child and they also mentioned to me they found it strange how close they are.
The fiancé even drives his ex to dates:
She can’t drive and so she relies on my fiancé to drop her off to see her casual partner most weekends which honestly I couldn’t fathom doing with an ex. They go out every week without their child to go do activities together. And I’ve got mixed opinions between family and friends whether that is strange or just really good that coparents are that civil with each other.
The people of Reddit largely agree that she should make peace with this friendship, because it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. But others are a little hesitant.
TeepShow76 said:
You have a great opportunity to set up a really good co-parenting future here. Think about the child?
And pinkie18 offered some advice:
this is how you start off your marriage and coparenting relationship on a bad foot. Figure out your issues before you get married Bc blended families have extra responsibilities and relationships that you need to navigate. You should want to be friendly with her as your brought into their parenting circle bc it’s what’s best for the kids.
Orphanpuncher0 adds:
Be more confident than that. He's marrying you, you won. It will also make this easier with the kids. Especially where you don't think there's anything between them, this seems like a silly hill to fight for and makes you seen insecure/slightly petty.
SadderOlderWise agrees:
try to get over your discomfort with this - it will be such a good way to start your marriage (which will include his children and their mothers to some extent) to have her there to be with the kids and because she’s been an important part of your soon-to-be-husband’s life.
rifraf0715 says:
You don't have a reason for not wanting her there. You can't say that she's a bad person, you can't say she was harmful towards you. You even admit there's nothing beyond a friendship. This is the mother of your future stepkids. You're going to need to create some sort of relationship or rapport with her, and not inviting her to the wedding seems like a poor way to start that.
But SquirrelBowl thinks the time they spend together sans kid is a red flag:
“They go out every week without their child to go activities together”??? Ummm, what??? I mean, I’m open minded but that’s too much. Might want to rethink this whole thing. who wants their partners ex at their wedding.
And nutterbutter654 agrees:
I'm all for having a good relationship with the ex for the child's sake. Heck it'd be great if the two couples could even become a friend group... But the two of them hanging out every week on their own is very very weird.
Hell most people with families barely have the time to hang out with their friends once a month nevermind every week. I'm not trying to fan the flames but personally they are way too close for my comfort.
Treehorn8 thinks so, too:
She goes out with your fiance every week without their kid. They are literally dating with your permission. Lol. NTA for not wanting her in your wedding but you are an A H to yourself for being dense.
Sure, maybe nothing has happened yet. But this situation is weird af and given their constant and regular company outside of necessary co-parenting, it is highly possible that something will happen after you are married (if it hasn't happened already).
Don't kid yourself. It's not like he doesn't understand your boundaries. Unless he has zero social perception and awareness, he knows that it's wrong and improper but he's doing it anyway to hang with her because he likes being with her. OP, what they're doing is NOT NORMAL.
But the bride-to-be agreed she'll let the ex attend, after reading some comments:
Just to reiterate no I don’t think she’s awful or anything like that but I think my boundaries are being stepped on in the above situations and possibly is making me uncomfortable she’s there on my wedding day. And to keep the peace and start the life of a step mom right I will probably let her come because it really isn’t worth fighting about that. ✌🏽