'AITA for telling my husband not to go to bday party of "best friend" who has a crush on him?'

"AITA for saying my husband shouldn’t go to a birthday party I wasn’t invited to?"

Here's the original post:

My husband has a “best friend” who has always disliked me. She doesn’t say anything outright, but her actions are almost bizarre they’re so petty. I sincerely would say if I thought I had done something to warrant this, but she’s been pretty cold to me since day 1.

The first day I met her she referred to me as “temporary.” Still, she was invited to our wedding, I always make an effort to be cordial, and I don’t have the energy to care beyond that.

Her excluding me from things has always been a pattern. For example my husband’s Christmas present last year was a gift certificate for rock climbing. She had already picked a date and friends to go with.

I didn’t make the cut. She also always buys him things when she travels and makes sure to address them only to him when she sends them. I could go on, but I think y’all will get it. She’s not horrible, but noticeably rude.

Btw, she absolutely has a crush on my husband. I know this. He would never cheat so I don’t care.

Things came to a head last week when he explained she was having a birthday dinner with just close friends. I wasn’t invited- she made that clear. It later came out that the intimate dinner she pitched has turned to a house party with over 50 people invited. The Facebook invite says it’s an “open invite.”

I’ve had it. I told my husband I don’t think he should go. It’s gotten to the point that this is openly disrespectful. To his credit, my husband agreed with me, but he’s very, very sad because they’ve been friends since childhood and he “knows this will ruin it.” I told him I don’t have a ton of sympathy because if this is enough to ruin their friendship, it’s not one worth having.

He asked if he could take her out for drinks just the two of them to celebrate, but I wasn’t thrilled. I said he was a grown man and could do what he wanted, but I feel it’s pretty messed up.

Finally, he asked if we could sit down to talk with her and “all take accountability.” I said sure but I don’t see what good it will do. I also said I wouldn’t apologize unless she could point to something specific that I’ve done to warrant it. I’ve been nothing but nice to a person who has been repeatedly disrespectful.

Maybe I could have handled it better. Maybe the repeated pattern is making me a little harsh in the situation. AITA?

Edit: FYI my husband is a wonderful person who has always said he’d pick me over her (and probably his childhood friend group) every time. I never pushed this because I don’t care very much. I have absolutely no doubt he’ll do the “right thing” if I ask. I just want to make sure what I’m asking is the right thing.

Second edit: My husband is reading these responses and it’s been helpful! I can see it so clearly on the outside but he’s been sucked into crazy town for so long it’s good for him to see how juvenile she’s being. Sometimes-in very rare moments- Reddit wake up calls are healthy.

Commenters agreed she's NTA. This is what top commenters had to say:

confusedkokhun said:

I think hubby enjoys the attention. If he is a smart man, he will pull back. I find it a bit concerning that he wanted to take her on a one on one date, to make up for not going to the party. NTA. But your husband should be protective of his marriage

NorthernLitUp said:

NTA. Your husband needs to put a stop to this nonsense and this is a first logical step. My guess is that once his lifelong "friend" realizes he's not showing up without you to stuff, she's gonna lose interest in the "friendship."

ImaginaryAnts said:

NTA. Her being a woman who is clearly interested in your husband adds an extra layer of disrespect to this situation, but the issue would still remain if this were a male friend.

His friend is disrespecting you. His friend has referred to you as temporary. His friend does not view you as husband's partner. His friend does not include you in partner events.

TOTALLY unacceptable for a married person to allow their partner to be treated so disrespectfully. When your husband married you, he made a commitment to stand by you. Instead, he is letting his friend crap all over you, because... why?

He doesn't want to lose his friend? The person who craps on his wife? As a general rule, my husband does not like people who crap on me. Why does yours??

Honestly, you have handled this FAR too gently for my liking. What does he mean by "all take accountability"? I would have demanded a very specific explanation for that. What does HE think YOU have done? What does HE think HE has done? What is this accountability you are taking? And why is he taking accountability to her, and not to you, his wife, for putting you in this position for YEARS?

And BeJane759 said:

Btw, she absolutely has a crush on my husband. I know this. He would never cheat so I don’t care. If you only knew how many men who “would never cheat” end up cheating…

And it often starts with poor boundaries. Such as repeatedly being perfectly ok with a woman who has a crush on you planning outings (say, rock climbing, for example) that include you but exclude your wife. You’re NTA, but honestly this is a great conversation to bring up in marriage counseling.

What do you think she should do?!