'AITA for being upset my wife will miss our first anniversary for a bachelorette party?' UPDATED

"AITA for being upset my wife will miss our first anniversary for a bachelorette party?"

Here's the original post:

The woman my wife is missing our anniversary for hates me because I drove a wedge in their friendship since my wife obviously spends a large chunk of her time with me. I also see through her bullying bullshit and do not have patience for her. Any time my wife tries to include this friend in our plans, the friend whines about nearly everything.

Yesterday she was “car sick” when we had to drive an hour and a half to and from the place we went as she sat in the back. She tried to solve the problem by eating potato chips and 2 cans of soda, only to keep complaining she felt sick. She was clearly hinting I should have been the one sitting in the back, but I’m recovering from an injury and the extra room in the passenger seat is helpful.

She made very obnoxious digs into my home country and background to the point where I almost took the train home leaving my wife with her friends. Living in a new country has already been exhausting, having to hear things like that from my wife’s friend wasn’t pleasant.

My wife didn’t stand up for me against the friend which hurt my feelings. We spoke at length last night and today about it, agreeing I would never go out with this friend again. My wife also said it was only a matter of time before the with friendship ended because she couldn’t deal with the negativity and self centered attitude anymore.

Onto the problem, April 17 is our first anniversary. My wife is the maid of honor at her wedding and got to choose when the bachelorette party is. She chose the week of our first anniversary, meaning we would be flying home from my home country (to a very private getaway) I had planned on our anniversary and my wife would leave me that night to go to this bachelorette weekend.

I’m upset because my wife knew when our anniversary was, she knows this friend doesn’t like me at all, and the friend has made digs and comments about my wife getting married before her. I understand my wife is between a rock and a hard place, but I’m tired of having to be understanding at the expense of my feelings over the friend.

Edit: I don’t know why everyone is dragging my wife. I have said several times this woman is a bully. Have you never had a friend who is clearly friends with a bully? It’s a hard place to be in, especially when the bully has been their friend for nearly 20 years. I have seen my wife interact with this friend and be mentally drained continuously now.

It’s a toxic relationship and those aren’t things that are easy to get out of. I have been in a fair few myself so it is not as simple as “she needs to block her”.

Edit 2: I just had a very long discussion with my wife and explained my feelings. She is ending the friendship with the woman after the other woman in the cars birthday party in a week so there isn’t a fallout. She said her own anxiety about the situation was clouding her judgement and making me feel how I did isn’t what she wants at all.

I’m an action speaks louder than words sort of person, so we’ll see what happens, but she was heartbroken and worried I was going to start the conversation with a divorce.

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

Hi_Im_Dadbot said:

NTA. You should be hurt and upset about this. This is at least a couple of times where she’s chosen this friend over her husband and that’s not cool at all. Your first anniversary needs to be more important to her and given a higher priority than some lady’s party. If it’s not, you two are going to have a very limited number of anniversaries.

ShyexGI said:

NTA. Wait, your wife CHOSE the date and decided on the week of her anniversary. How is this the fault of her obnoxious friend? No, your wife, for unknown reasons, did this all on her own. She is NOT between a rock and a hard place. She intentially decided to mess up your anniversary plans. Why? Only she knows.

Why are you still going on a private getaway when your wife is leaving you to go party with friends? Stop being tired of your wife prioritizing her friend and stand up for yourself. Your wife is just placating you with the whole ending the friendship bs. Not only are you not as important as the friend, but your first anniversary isn't either.

Can you cancel and get your money back? What's the point of going if you won't be together the entire time? You can stay home and be alone. Happy Anniversary.

NotYourSexyNurse said:

NTA. Your wife needs to grow a backbone and end this friendship.

LLayne123 said:

NTA. If she’s between a rock and a hard place, then she needs to choose her husband a million times over her friend. Not cool of her IMO. I’ve been married over 30 years. Our first anniversary was one of my favorites. It’s a milestone one (like 5, 10 years, etc.) I’m sorry she’s not putting you first.

And BendPresent1437 said:

NTA. your wife is the ahole for prioritizing her toxic friend's feelings over yours, when you marry someone you have to make some hard choices. You need to have a good speech with your wife, because her behavior it is not what you'll expect from a loyal and loving wife. I'd be extremely pissed, to say the least.

Verdict: NTA.

About a month after his original post, he shared this update:

There were many discussions and disagreements leading up to her ending the friendship. Things would grate at me that my wife was still going along with the friendship for the sake of her other friend in their friendship triangle’s birthday party.

Every day it was like I was more annoyed because she still hadn’t even defended me to the friend and it was showing she cared less about me and how I felt in her country when she knows how much I miss mine. She knew she needed to end it anyway and said losing our relationship wasn’t an option.

After a bit of prying, it was clear how psychotic she thinks her friend is. My wife believes her friend will key her car, show up to the house and cause problems, drag all the other friends involved into it.

It all came to a head when I told her I was not returning to her country from mine (we’re back in mine for a Christmas thing with my family) if the friendship was still intact. She ended the friendship two days later after the friend called me racist towards the very large white (85%+) majority of her country. I am white.

As expected, the friend has started to go off the rails. So far it’s been excessive phone calls, texts, the friend tried to text me and apologize for her comments to salvage anything with my wife but I had changed my number a week prior. The apology was something along the lines of “sorry if what I said hurt your feelings, but your words hurt mine.”

What I said had just pointed out my frustration with lived experiences from the new country every day. Friendship is over, wife is worried ex-friend will key her car. She is genuinely fearful of this ex-friend. We will be installing another camera as soon as we get home that only points to her car.

I doubt this is the last update. And we actually booked a vacation for our first year anniversary.

TL:DR My wife ended the friendship with her friend and pulled out of all future events with her.