Bride asks if she's wrong for not attending to special needs friend at wedding.
It's hard to have a friend with special needs, especially if their issues get in the way of your wedding. When this bride is mad at her friend with special needs for making a scene at her wedding, she takes to the popular Reddit forum to ask:
'AITA for not attending to a guest who had special needs at my wedding?'
I (33F) got married two years ago. The wedding was pretty big - 150 guests - and my husband and I saved for years to be able to afford it without financial help from our families.
I’ve had a friend “Ruth” for about five years. We met while working together and remained friendly even when she left to a different job. When we worked together, she had just received a diagnosis of autism plus a personality disorder and was able to function without a lot of accommodations.
Things changed in later years though. She began to really struggle with overstimulation and scary internal thoughts. She was hospitalized several times. Eventually, she found stable employment but still has flare ups of psychiatric issues from time to time.
I’m not gonna lie, at times it has felt like our friendship is very one sided with me taking care of her a lot — but she doesn’t have many other friends in her life even though she’s a genuinely kind and caring person. So I didn’t want to abandon her.
Before the wedding, I told Ruth several times exactly what the wedding vibe would be - lots of people, a DJ, alcohol, etc.
I told her I would totally understand if she was unable to attend because it would be over stimulating. Tbh I kind of had a feeling she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I was trying to give her an “out”. But she insisted on coming.
Well…things did not go well. Ruth handled the ceremony ok but as soon as dinner and dancing started, she hyperventilated and had a meltdown. One of the caterers called an ambulance. The ambulance came, the paramedics attended to Ruth, and she ended up getting dropped off at home by a friend.
I feel so guilty and ashamed to admit I was extremely angry with Ruth. Her incident was basically the spotlight/center of my wedding reception. Even after she left, people were really shaken and not in the mood to celebrate at all.
When I called her after the wedding, she basically blamed me and said I wasn’t attentive to her during the time she was at the wedding. I didn’t check in with her to see how she was handling it or if she needed anything. I said I was sorry she was overwhelmed, but it wasn’t possible for me to check in on her with 150 other people there (plus it was my own wedding!).
Our friendship has been tense ever since this happened. I think she is still holding onto hurt that I wasn’t attentive enough to her needs. Reddit, AITA here?
Let's see what Reddit had to say.
maskydoo writes:
NTA. She's a grown adult. Disability or not, it's her responsibility to handle herself. It was on her to make a reasonable judgement on whether she could handle something or not, and either remove herself from the situation or decline to invite altogether.
lasercaterpillar writes:
NTA. I’m not sure how you could have really handled this other than to not invite her to the wedding. I know that sounds so harsh, but it really wasn’t a good environment for her. And it was obviously a cause for concern.
Or maybe made sure someone she was comfortable with came with her? It’s a tough position to be in for sure. But you didn’t do anything wrong and you did warn her that it may be overwhelming to her.
Superpipachu disagrees:
YTA. The stigma against BPD is real, and people die because of it. Faking something for attention doesn't sound like BPD at all to me, nor does it look like anything of the DSM'S diagnostic criteria- of which there are many, many combinations and presentations.
Do you know what personality disorder does have attention seeking as part of its diagnostic criteria? Histrionic personality disorder. Do you know what personality disorder has interpersonal exploitation as part of its diagnostic criteria? Narcissistic PD. Have some compassion OP.