Bride's BIL gives wedding speech saying 'he regrets not asking her out.' UPDATED

"My brother in law called me the one who got away in his speech and my husband is very hurt and it is my all fault."

OP beings...

I don’t know what to do. I think I have done serious damage to my marriage before it even began.

Here's her story:

I met my husband thru his brother (Chris) who I had a crush on in college. I never was clingy or never acted on my feelings and I never really allowed myself to get too close to him because I knew that my feelings weren’t reciprocated.

Chris knew however I had a crush on him or at least he felt it. He would always say that I was “gf material” and how he wouldn’t want to lead me on. He wanted to have fun before that. He would say this to others but even once to me.

On two occasions he texted me that he had feelings for me, only to apologize later and retract his words. But on Christmas four years ago he texted me that he was in love with me and wanted to take me out on a date. He said he was done playing around and wanted a relationship.

I invited him to a NYE party that my then roommate and I had. He told me he wanted to talk to me then. When he came to the party he had his brother with him. Chris spent the party going out of his way to ignore me and later I saw him making out with my roommate and they spent the night in her room. I decided there and then that I would drop it. Enough is enough.

Next morning he told me that he f$#%ed up (I f*&#ed up big time yeah?) and he apologized. During the party I got to know his brother who was the opposite of Chris. He was shy and hated attention and he was just the best, and soon after he asked me on a date. We are married now. Our wedding was last Wednesday.

I want to make two things clear. It never went beyond a crush with Chris, and it was only after I fell for my husband that I understood what love is. He is everything to me and I love him more than anything.

I never told anyone about my crush, and when I met my husband I didn’t tell him either. Chris wasn’t happy I was seeing his brother and he’s been cold towards me since. Even when it got serious between my husband and I.

Chris gave a speech during our rehearsal dinner, and he basically outed everything. and ended it with how he regretted not asking me out sooner and how he will always regret it. It was very awkward afterwards and nobody talked about it.

On our wedding day my husband did everything to act normal and he made sure everything was as planned but I could feel that he was hurt and angry. After the party he asked me if I loved Chris and if I dated him for that reason. I started crying because it’s absolutely not true.

We started dating and became friends and I made sure it was him I wanted before committing and I never loved anyone like I love my husband. I told him all this and more and I apologized so much for not telling him everything. In the beginning I thought it was my own private matter and I didn’t feel the need to discuss it with a then “stranger” to me.

When our relationship evolved I just never thought Chris was relevant and my crush seemed a silly thing. Now it’s back to bite me in the a#$. My husband is very sad and he barely talks to me. We’re leaving for our honeymoon in two weeks. The thing we both waited for with so much anticipation and longing. I don’t know what to do. I can’t turn back time so I don’t know what to do.

Here's what people had to say to OP about her brother-in-law confessing his love during the rehearsal dinner speech.

ndependent_Shame504 writes:

Some people's family leaves me dumbfounded. I think your husband will be fine eventually. But I don't think he will be fine with you spending time with his brother anytime soon, if ever. What a s%$t dude to do that to his own brother and his wife. Im sorry you got that as a brother in law.

OP responded:

Tbh I never spend time with Chris. Not without my husband anyway. As I said Chris was probably not happy about our relationship and has been cold towards me since. We never discussed it. He never confronted me or mentioned it to me or my husband.

stinstin555 writes:

This screams misery loves miserable company. You were not the one who got away, Chris was too busy sewing his wild oats. Now Chris cannot have you so he planted seeds of doubt with your husband so he couldn’t have you either. Try to get at least one marriage counseling session in before your honeymoon. Good luck!

OP responded:

This is depressing but probably true. What I can’t understand is why now? Why not earlier before his brother makes a commitment. It’s because he never cared about his brother

OkSureButLikeNo writes:

I can tell you exactly why: because he's a narcissist. He likes lording your past feelings over his brother because it give him validation. In Chris' mind, he 'wins' because you had a crush on him first. It's also why he f$#@ed your roommates knowing that you expected him to ask you out at that party.

He loved that you chased him, and he f#$%ed your roommate to show himself that he could do whatever he wanted and you would still want him. When you didn't do that, he got mad and held a grudge.

Did Chris bully your husband growing up? Take things from him? Sleep with his GFs? Anything like that? Because you describe traits in him that make him seem like an egomaniac or a sociopath, and I wouldn't be surprised if he f%^&ed over your husband so often growing up that your husband developed an inferiority complex which is contributing to his trust issues now.

Maybe the best thing you and your husband can do is go to couple's therapy to reveal the extent of the damage done. There could be a lot of baggage contributing to this that you just don't know about, and you not telling him about your crush might have just been the straw that broke the camel's back here.

Update from OP ten days later.

Hi again! Thank you all for the support and all the people who followed my page for an update. I have a small update, I was supposed to write it yesterday but I was exhausted.

Yesterday my husband and I were invited to my in-laws for a cookout. When we arrived Chris saw us and tried to escape (well nobody expected us to show up and my husband wanted to decline but I INSISTED we go). I caught Chris however and loudly said Oh I’m happy you are here because I want to talk to you.

I said that since the people in this cookout were all in the rehearsal dinner I wanted them to listen to. Chris looked like he was about to cry but my father-in-law grabbed his arm when he tried to excuse himself.

I told Chris that what he did was a s$#ty thing that it didn’t just hurt me but it hurt his brother even more and that the only reason I didn’t speak up was because I was in shock but also I didn’t want to ruin t our day by arguing back and forth with an arrogant and selfish man who always hid behind alcohol to explain his bad behaviors like he’s some tween.

I told him that I never was the one that got away because he never had me. I never knew the real him and I liked his exterior like I was sure many people who didn’t know him well did. But if it ever would have evolved to something more I would have seen through his façade and since I know myself very well I would never have fallen for someone like him so I was never the one that got away.

I told him that the only good thing about him in my eyes, the only redeeming quality, is that he decided to bring his brother with him that night and even if I was very angry with him now I will always be thankful to him and I will always be grateful that I crossed paths with him because it led me to my husband.

And for you not to even call to apologize to your brother for embarrassing him and hurting his feelings says a lot about how much you have planned to hurt him on his day.

My husband was silent the whole time. The mood was a bit awkward for a minute after my outburst but then people were normal and some apologized for what happened and we ended up having a good time.

When we got home my husband who’s been sleeping in the living room almost every night hugged me and kissed me. The first time he kissed me since the I do. I felt my anger building up again and I had another outburst.

I told him that we weren’t okay and that he never has the right to shut me out and give me the silent treatment for so long ever again if he wanted to stay married to me. He said “I know” and that he regretted his coldness.

We made love for the first time as a married couple (and second third and fourth) and then I fell asleep in his arms in OUR bed. After two outbursts on two brothers in one day I felt content and I slept very well.

This morning my husband woke me up with kisses and hugs and he apologized for hurting me and taking out his anger on me. He said the shock was too great for him and he was afraid that I didn’t love him and just settled for him because Chris is the charmer and always had it easy to be loved by people.

He thought something more happened and he didn’t dare to ask me because he wasn’t mentally prepared to hear that the love of his life maybe wasn’t his. He looked his old cheerful self that I missed so much. I just wanted to cry but I didn’t.

We discussed therapy and we are planning to start looking for a therapist after our honeymoon but for now I just want to snuggle him and feel his love. He has a lot of making up to me to do! I hope this counts as an update. Good night

Other info from OP:

Many asked about Chris’s reaction; he just cried and mumbled that he had somewhere to go and left. No apology or anything. Wasn’t expecting that either. MIL was angry with me but I was just so angry everything just came out

To all who are saying I’m avoiding questions about my husband. I already addressed everything in my first post. I will always regret not telling him and I will always be sorry for hurting him. My outburst on Chris wasn’t the first time my husband heard my truth. I have been apologizing and begging since our wedding.

He only talked to me after the cookout when he felt sorry for me. When I wrote about him making up to me it was mostly a joke about depriving me of all affection but also because giving the silent treatment is really hurtful. He agrees what he did wasn’t the greatest way to handle it. We will work on our way to communicate. We love each other and we are fine.

Here's what people thought about how OP handled confronting Chris at the cookout.

ptcglass writes:

Please follow through with that therapist! Learning new ways to grow as a couple and communicate through it can be so helpful. I hope you two are able to have a great marriage together.

Candid-Quail-9927 writes:

Good job! This would have festered and clearly destroyed your marriage. Tell MIL to go jump in the lake. Clearly someone has been enabling Chris’s behavior his whole life. Now they know not to mess around with you and your family.

Primary_General_6211 writes:

Your husbands worries we’re warranted. Before his brothers speech he never knew his almost wife liked his brother who seems to be more attractive and outgoing. So he’s got his whole childhood of being second to his brother and now he finds out this. Of course he thought you had [made love]. Did he not know you didn’t until your outburst?

I see your point too. Nothing physical. Just a crush. But it is his brother, who you’ll see every year at holidays or more. Well, you’ll either look back at this and grow stronger or the sabotage of the brothers speech and wedding night debacle will be lead to resentment.