Divorced dad snaps at teen son 'weirded out' by friendship with his mom. UPDATED
There are some divorces so messy and full of conflict, they could fill history books. While others are as straightforward as they come. But the divorces that are the most surprising, are the ones where the former couple remains close friends.
Some people are a horrible romantic match, but a great friendship match. And few things will intensify a bond quite like marriage, even if it ends. However, because this isn't the norm, it can be confusing for everyone else - most importantly the kids.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for saying relationship with his son's mom is 'none of his business.'
He wrote:
AITA for telling my son that my relationship with his mom is not his business?
Me and my ex divorced when our sons were 4 and 7. We had our moments but actually became really good friends after we divorced. We'd even spend time together without our kids. We've both remarried and our spouses get along. In fact, my ex and her husband asked me to assist with their having a kid because he couldn't.
They have a son who is 4. He's biologically mine but being happily raised by my ex and her husband. My wife is pregnant and my ex is going to be in the delivery room with us when she gives birth next month.m My 10yo is happy we all get along but my 13yo is starting to have issues with it. He is always complaining about us hanging out and being over each other's homes.
I asked him what was wrong with it and he said it's just weird and to stop. I told him my relationship with his mom is none of his business. We'd be friends even if he didn't exist so deal with it. My ex thinks I should apologize but I'm not apologizing to a brat who is dictating who I can or can't be friends with. AITA?
People didn't hold back their thoughts.
PunkPantsPatty wrote:
Oh man, you successfully navigating having a health relationship between you and ex, that it's so sad to see you fail spectacularly with your own kid. Dude feels awkward about it and instead of helping him work through those feelings you got defensive and acted immature. You got so many kids but aren't acting like much of a father figure. YTA.
Icy_Independence7405 wrote:
I thought NTA until I read the last sentence. YTA. that last sentence just proves how little respect you have for your son. if something you are doing, is making your child uncomfortable, then you should talk about it and come to a solution. Not tell him it's none of his business. You are the adult here so act like it.
FlashRx wrote:
YTA for your last comment. Show your kids the respect you want them to give you. You're not for the friendship, but it is kind of weird...
Spiritual_Process_87 wrote:
YTA - Your son is identifying that your situation is unconventional and he’s not adjusting well. But he’s 13 and doesn’t know how to properly voice what he’s feeling. There’s a way to validate his feelings and still tell him it isn’t his place to comment without being a dick to your kid.
But your ego won’t see past supposedly being dictated to by a child who can’t properly express themselves. Don’t be surprised when as an adult he doesn’t respect you and may not even want to see you, if you keep this “I’m not apologizing to a brat” mentality up.
vance_mason wrote:
YTA. You're missing the forest for the trees and you've obviously forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. It sounds like your son has some complicated feelings about the situation, which is pretty freaking understandable. He was old enough at the time of the divorce that he probably remembers you all together, and just maybe sometimes wishes you still were.
After all, you're friends now, why can't you be together? But then maybe he feels guilty because he likes his stepparents or his half brother etc....these are complex emotions for a kid to take on. So how about you be a good parent and talk to him instead of telling him to shut up?
BenynRudh wrote:
It became his business when you divorced and got new spouses. Which he didn't have a choice in.
Telling him off for understandable teenage emotions about his divorced parents being all buddy buddy is not going to solve anything nor is calling him a brat (he isn't). He wasn't old enough to really understand when you divorced but now he is and you need to make sure he doesn't feel conflicted or torn more than he has to.
Try having an adult, mature conversation with him about your friendship with his mum despite your divorce, instead of being an AH to him. Most divorced parents aren't that friendly so yeah, to most kids it would be a bit odd. Major YTA.
After receiving some questions and feedback, OP jumped on with an update and quick clarification.
Edit: I haven't been with my ex since we were married and my donation was done in a clinic and no one but me, my wife, my ex, and her husband know about it. I have zero physical attraction to my ex. We all are comfortable with each other because we've been friends since high school and have an unbreakable bond.
It's crystal clear that OP is TA in this situation, all his son needs is to be given some clarity and understanding about a rare emotional dynamic.