Dying man asks if he was wrong for leaving wife and kids; 'I'm not at peace with it.'
'Am I the asshole for leaving my wife and kids?'
I'm sure the title will lead most to say yes but I feel right in my reasons to leave. This happened years ago. I married the wrong woman. My ex is internally a very angry person and wanted to be very controlling usually in varying dramatic ways and eventually years of this caused our divorce.
Together we had 3 boys, 3 and 4 years apart. My eldest was 9 when the divorce happened. My ex took them to her parents house, a 20 minute drive from our house that I had built myself 10 years prior.
She burned my house down not long after while I was at work. No one was hurt and I have no real proof it was her, nothing really came of it. The fire was suspicious but it was in the days before doorbell cameras. I think she just lit a massive fire in the fire place.
So I left. I had a job that was very specialized, high in demand generally everywhere, and back then you could get a job with a smile and a handshake. First I went to a major city in Canada that starts with T, saved cash for about a year and then moved to a small town about 2500km from home.
In this small town I kept the same job, ended up meeting another woman and we had one child together. She and I are still married.
My kids from my previous marriage would come to stay with us for summers during school break. I thought they enjoyed the summers. They built go karts and raced them one year. We were always camping, etc. My eldest dropped out of high school at home, and my younger 2 from the previous marriage eventually moved in with us for their last years of high school.
They grew up. They've had children. I have 10 grandchildren and they're starting to grow up too.
I'm dying. Good days and bad, but the good are quickly getting rarer. My kids are talking to each other about it, and individually to me. My youngest son, from my current marriage called my second youngest for support after having dealt with me on a particularly bad day.
My youngest thinks his older brothers hold a great dealt of resent towards him for being my 'replacement family' and me for leaving them with a mother that didn't spend child support on things like electricity or running water.
I haven't spoken to my oldest children about my conversation with my youngest yet. I'm not sure if I should bring it up or let them, if they want to. I felt justified with my decision but I am no longer sure I'm at peace with it. Am I the a&^hole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
carbomerguar asks:
Why not take your kids with you, or rescue them at any point? I assume her behavior was known by others as well, or documented even.
Hatethyself69 writes:
OP deep down just wanted to walk away and start over. OP is an ass he brags about being able to get a job in any city he wants and then picks a city half a country away from his children.
djfart9000 writes
OP sounds like my dad and now my dad is alone and constantly trying to start over with new people instead of just changing their ways.
Snomed34 writes:
Statistically speaking, once someone starts a second family, they pretty much forget about their first set of kids. Completely sociopathic behavior, tbh.
ratinthehat99 writes:
He needs to apologize. It won’t be a magic pill but it’s something for his kids to grasp onto as they continue to work through the pain of their upbringing.
mrsgip says:
You’re about to go, so how you handle this conversation with your older kids from marriage 1 will leave behind your legacy.
You can be the dad that left them with their psycho mom, started over and had no remorse OR you can be the dad who acknowledges his shortcomings as a parent, recognizes the pain your choice inflicted upon your kids and be the one who helps them heal from that mess of a childhood.
carbomerguar writes:
She was mean ☹️ now she’s the kids problem
HBSV writes:
Deadbeat dads seeking validation from internet strangers. The irony is always lost on them.