'I'm considering ending my engagement because my future mother-in-law is psychotic.' UPDATED
"I'm considering ending my engagement because my future mother-in-law is psychotic."
Hi all, I am so saddened by this decision but I think this is what has to be done. I am second guessing myself but I think that's just a given in this situation.
My fiance and I have been together for a couple of years before we decided to move forward and this whole time, FMIL is kind and barely says anything above a whisper. She's always been fairly pleasant and gotten along with my family too after one instance of cultural insensitivity when my partner and I first started dating.
As we near moving on with our relationship, getting a loan, buying a house etc... FMIL has so many questions and it all came out screaming at me and my family, telling me that I'm a gold digger and trying to steal her son's money. That i should sign a prenup... telling me that my family are awful people.
I tried explaining our situation, how were splitting finances and it just wasn't enough. I had to have the same amount and earnings as my partner for us to be married??? It was the most awful experience I've ever had, i have never felt more disrespected in my life and I'm so upset at my partner for not standing up for me more than saying "stop".
A single glance from his mum was enough to make him stop talking. Not only that but also turning against her son and telling him that's he's mentally ill for trusting me. I am so gutted and heart broken and defeated. I don't think I can live a life with this woman particularly with future children in mind.
Edit 1: I have never asked for money or anything of the like. Fiance has paid for things he's wanted and it worked fine between us.
Edit 2: that i forgot to mention because I'm all over the place. I make only a few thousand less than him. It's not a stark difference. I just have multiple jobs whereas he has just the one. It's really gotten to me because I've been trying to save so hard and for so long.
Info from OP in the comments:
She's sent me a message apology. She says this was a misunderstanding but didn't apologise for what she said or did... The cultural insensitivity thing was easily cleared up. She thought I was of a different religion too so that was cleared up easily.
I just have many doubts about this. He wants to stay together but it just seems like she's crazy. He's told me that she keeps sending him these 1000 word messages and it's all saying that he's stupid for trusting me and also putting him down. I don't understand why he told her all about our finances which we were fine with.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
not questioning your choice because it stands either way, but did this change come out of nowhere? i'm wondering if ex-fiancé needs to get his mother medical/mental health treatment if she had some sort of literal psychotic break or the beginnings of dementia
The thing about terrible MIL’s, they become psychotic grandmothers. I would never have a child with someone that couldn’t hold boundaries with their mother. So many go into marriage underestimating the power of an in-law, but the truth is they only hold the power their child allows them.
It’s better to learn this truth about your fiance now than after you’re married and added any children. I am sorry that this is happening to you and that he wasn’t stronger for you.
Wow! Your fiance is the real jerk in this situation. Yes, your FMILA is crazy and an AH, but he really should have stood up for you!! Walk away and don't look back! Find a partner who puts you first!
You definitely are doing the right thing. Both your fmil and fiancé showed their true colours, at least you did it now rather than tie yourself to this mess with children. I truly believe you are not the first partner she's driven away and you won't be the last
Thank you for giving your perspective. I just am all over the place right now. I do know his previous ex was loaded but I never made the connection until now - apparently she was very upset at him for breaking up with her. I didn't realise this was all about money to her. It's so heartbreaking being seen as nothing more than $$$
8 days later OP came back with this update:
Hi all, Thanks for all the messages and apologies to those i couldn't reply to in time. In trying to speak to my fiance about the situation he's been really apologetic about the whole thing, regrets his actions but I can't seem to get over them or give him the benefit of the doubt to fix them in the future.
I don't like that the only way I can make sure that he can stand up for me is for us to face a similar situation with FMIL again. He's very aware of how he could have handled the whole situation better. He still hasn't dealt with his parents yet and he's moved put of home and has been LC/almost NC with them.
Now for FMIL, she was hounding my fiance about me and my family still - after she sent the 'apology' to me, she was still talking about me and my family behind my back to my fiance via very long messages. Im so hurt and confused as we have done nothing wrong and its just eating at me.
I feel so silly thinking that im ending this over his mother. I'm sorry if this is all so dramatic but it's so difficult, it's throwing away years of friendship and love. He says he's going to try and set the correct boundaries between them and even if - I can't imagine myself being married and it not being a happy day or his family wishing us ill. I have a feeling she'll ruin the day in one way or another.
I get into these crying fits and I don't know if I'm making the right decision - it's all so fresh. Seeing my ex-fiances reaction to breaking it off was one of the worst things i've ever experienced. I just want to ask for him back - everything was perfect up to this point.
If anyone has advice or comments or supportive words I'd appreciate it more than anything. I feel so broken and I can't help by HATE MY ex-FMIL. Why can't she let her son be happy.
To those of you who asked, apparently FMIL always been that crazy with the people at home. She's just never been like that to other people. I raised the fact of you know she's like this and you did nothing to protect me - and he says he was just shocked and didn't expect her to treat someone outside the family like that. He can finally see their manipulative ways.
I do realise after writing this all of it should have ex- in front of people's titles.
Edit** Some information i found helpful to share - this is my first relationship ever, we have been together for 3 years since I was 20.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
As someone who also didn’t want to end a perfectly good relationship over FMIL, I think you made the right choice. I stayed despite advice to leave and sometimes I wonder how stress free my life would be if I listened. It might hurt now, but it will hurt even more later when you are dealing with this for the rest of your life all alone because your man isn’t helping.
You really do marry into a family and regardless of how wonderful ex-fiance is, it’s not worth it. Find someone who will have your back and stand up to their mother if any problems arise. My DH took years to finally stand up for me but by then I no longer cared to even have a relationship with MIL. I love my husband, but boy does dealing with a crazy MIL all the time drain you.
You're way too young to be stuck playing house with this guy and his mom. You're supposed to spend your 20s growing and learning and exploring. Try new things, meet new people and go new places.
Stop thinking that this is the only man in the world. He's just the one in front of you that you're used to. Get out of your comfort zone and don't date for a while. Just focus on you and living large. Never let anyone make your life smaller
Thanks for the wake up call! You're definitely right. I really needed to hear something like this.
The only thing I can say, YOU did nothing wrong. Your ex-fiance needs to get into therapy to help him with boundaries, it’s not your job to fix him. He is the problem only so far as his mother goes, otherwise he sounds like he was a lovely partner.
However having a partner that doesn’t stand up for you, doesn’t shut down cultural insensitivity, doesn’t make the problem stop at the root, isn’t truly loyal to you and your relationship. I would look into therapy for yourself. Being strong and holding boundaries doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and I’m sorry he wasn’t strong enough for you.
Thank you! That's great reasoning. I really liked your last sentence. I always expected being the person to do the break up wouldn't hurt as much and I was definitely wrong. Thanks for validating my hurt.
You aren’t ending this because of his mother, you are ending this because he has not shown maturity in dealing with his mother. He may be a fine person, but if he is unable to set healthy boundaries with toxic people like his mother, he isn’t mature enough to navigate a truly adult relationship.
It’s HARD to stay married over the long term, and I wouldn’t engage in it with someone who just isn’t mature enough to be able to understand and practice healthy boundaries.
You, on the other hand, are displaying healthier boundaries. Go find someone who can match you, not someone you have to coddle and teach and not who will make YOU suffer because THEY cannot figure out their own situation. He’s got some learning and growing to do before he’s ready for a grownup long term relationship practicing reciprocal healthy boundaries.
This is so right, thank you. I don't have to stick by and teach him how to be an adult - have adult relationships.
I just can't believe I put so much of my life on hold to be able to provide alongside him. I definitely need higher standards for myself. This whole thing is making me look at different parts of the relationship and I can see there was a lot to work on in different places that I just brushed aside because we're young and still 'growing'. Thank you for the advice .