Man sets calendar reminders to ask wife about her life; she's hurt after finding them.

Everybody's brain works differently, which means we need help to keep up in different areas of our lives.

While some people seamlessly remember loved one's birthdays, important milestones, and ongoing issues to keep up with. Others have a harder time keeping track, and this gap can create tension and distance if not addressed.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's in the wrong for not telling his wife he needs calendar reminders to ask about things going on in her life. He wrote:

"AITA: My wife discovered that I keep calendar reminders to ask her about stuff going on in her life."

Pretty much what the title says. My wife has always been really good about staying aware of things happening in my life that I care about and periodically checking in with me to see how they're going. (You know - basic loving, caring partner stuff.)

I have found that showing her that same consideration does not always come naturally to me. I would say I am a fairly self-centered person. I wish that weren't the case but in retrospect, a lot of bad behavior on my part was not corrected and even enabled when I was young.

By the time I realized this character flaw I was already well into adulthood and I have found that old habits die hard. I don't think I'm THAT bad. Of course, sometimes I DO remember that she was having that big meeting at work today or that her aunt was having surgery or whatever and I ask about it over dinner. But more often than I am proud to admit I get lost in my stuff and forget about hers.

So a couple of years ago I started setting reminders in my calendar so I wouldn't forget. Needless to say, I did not tell her I was doing this. Until now it's worked really well. Often I don't even need the reminder - just creating it helps the event stick in my active memory. But the other night she saw one of my reminders. (She has a potentially painful dental procedure later this week, FYI.)

We both happened to be looking at something on my phone when it popped up. Needless to say, she was surprised. I had no choice but to explain the whole situation. I wouldn't say she thinks I'm a full-blown AH. But she definitely found it weird and off-putting that I would need a system like that when she doesn't and nobody else does.

I kind of agree with her. It never felt like a deep dark secret, but on the other hand, there's obviously a reason I never told her or anyone else I was doing it. Still, taking action to make sure I show consideration and concern for stuff that matters to her has to be better than continuing to forget, right? Am I an AH?

The internet was fully invested in this unique situation.

beentherealmostdid wrote:

NAH. I think it's really sweet that you took the steps to help your wife feel valued. I'd sit your wife down and let her know that this has helped you engage with her more and to learn more about how she's feeling. It's not like you've scripted a conversation, you've just helped to ensure that you'll actually have it. Many couples don't!

Ok_Job_9417 wrote:

NTA - some people are just bad with dates and events. And it’s always recommended that they try to figure out a reminder system. You did just that. You may feel self-centered but you actually go out of your way to make notes of stuff, so you can bring it up later. You could just ignore it and laugh it off like many do that “it’s just how I am” type of stuff.

Sunnyok85 wrote:

1- You realized your flaw and took action to fix it. 2- if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be doing it 3- Even if you do remember, it’s not always the right time. I remember a lot of things when I’m driving, making dinner, showering or going to bed at night. Those aren’t the times to write the email or check on whatever it was.

A reminder in the phone prompts you at times when these things can be addressed. So while she might not like it, the fact is you are making an effort. NTA.

lydsbane wrote:

NAH. I'm just going on a theory here, but you were probably told that you were self-centered when you were a kid, because you couldn't remember things. With your reminder system, it sounds to me like you're neurodivergent and that someone mislabeled you, in your childhood. A self-centered person wouldn't make those reminders.

AclysmicJD wrote:

NAH. My husband put reminders in his calendar for things like “buy Aclysmic candy hearts” because we don’t do Valentines but I love those conversation hearts everyone hates so he gets them for me every year.

At some point, our stupid iCloud account got intertwined and some reminders now pop up on my phone. I never told him because I think it is really sweet that he cares enough to set the reminder. (And I want my gross chalky hearts.)

OP is NTA here, and neither is his wife, it sounds like their brains just work differently and they need different levels of support in this area.