'My husband snooped on my phone and now he's furious about something I did 16 years ago.' UPDATED
"Me (40f) and my husband (41m) together 6 years. He snooped on my phone and found something I did 16 years ago. Why is he mad?"
I’ll get straight in to it. For some reason recently he’s started to think I’m messaging and meeting other men. I’m not. I’ve never messaged anyone since the day of our first date and I’ve certainly not met anyone. I don’t know where this has come from.
We have each others passcodes for our phones but I’ve never once felt the need to look at his and I don’t mind him using mine but reading my messages I do mind as I don’t think it’s fair on the people I’m talking to. On to what happened. I went to the shops the other day and I left my phone at home. When I got back my husband got in my face and called me a slag and a tramp and all sorts of other nasty names.
He went through my Facebook messages and found a message from 16 years ago. At the time I was so poor having just lost my job and having bills to pay. I applied for hundreds of jobs and needed my car to get to interviews. It broke down. Not terribly but it needed a new alternator. I messaged a couple of friends who were mechanics and both wanted over $100 which was a good quote but I just couldn’t afford it.
I offered one of them I’d send him a couple of nudes for now and pay him when I got a job. He agreed and within a day I was back on the road. Once I had a job I offered to pay him and everything was fine. The mechanic is sadly dead now so my husband has nothing to be wary of.
After he got finished ranting and raving at me I told him I’ll never forgive him for looking through my phone and invading my privacy. I asked if he’d found anything else and he said no. I said “see! How many times do I have to tell you? In fact I’m done telling you” I picked a few things and i left for my sisters where I still am now.
Is what I did ten years before I met him really that bad? I’m starting to think he’s projecting with all these accusations constantly and now I’m starting to doubt him. Once trust has been broken like this can it be repaired?
TLDR: husband found out I send nudes in lieu of payment for work on my car before I met him and is angry at me.
This is what commenters had to say:
Commenter: Why do you have stuff on your phone from 'years before you met him' if youve been married to this man for 6 years. That screams off.
OP: I’ve still got Facebook messages dating back to 2007. Why would I delete them?
Commenter: I’d be more upset with the name calling than the snooping but I’d also be questioning his sanity for flipping out about something from 16 years ago when you didn’t even know him 😂 batsh*t. He’s probably cheating on you, dude.
OP: I was upset about it all to be honest. I’ve said a few times is he projecting.
Commenter: I think the real question is why is he so sure you are cheating when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. This screams projection and he is probably doing something behind your back.
OP: That’s what I think too.
Commenter: If he wasn't dead, would your husband have something to worry about?
OP: No he wouldn’t have anything to worry about I just meant it makes even less sense why he is so mad.
Commenter: You were right to leave, he was way out of line. It would take wild horses to drag me back. At least until the anger dissipates, even then.
OP: I don’t think I can take him back I’m too angry at his actions.
About a month later, she shared this update:
Backstory. For months my husband has been suspicious for months that I’m cheating even though I’ve never even messaged another man since before our first date. He snooped on my phone and found a message from 16 years ago, so ten years before we got together, where I was short of money so sent a mechanic some nudes in lieu of payment for supplying and fitting and alternator.
He called me all sort of names and I got mad back and said I’ll never trust him and I think he’s projecting. On to the update and like many of you suggested he was projecting and he’s the one who’s cheating. I left for my sisters for a few days when I wrote that post. Driving past a premier inn near her house and saw his car outside, waited by it for three hours where he eventually emerged with another woman.
He said it was the first time and he thought we’d split up, she said to him “what are you talking about and who is this?” Referring to me. He literally ran off like a coward.
I spoke to this woman who turned out to be lovely and she said they’d been seeing each other for over a year but he told her he was living with his religious parents after leaving his wife so that’s why they can never go back to his and got hotels. She was such a lovely young woman and I ended up having to console her and took her home myself.
As for us I’m back at home and he is now back at his parents who were very disappointed in him when they heard the news and have been lovely to me. I’ve started divorce proceedings but that’ll be about a year away I’d imagine.
TLDR: he was projecting and he was the one who’s cheating.
Commenters weighed in:
Commenter: That was very nice of you to console her. Please be sure to tend to your own emotions as well. Gotta look out for number 1.
OP: To be honest I was already 80% certain I was going to divorce him after the name calling and snooping so this didn’t devastate me as much as it would normally would.
Commenter: Wow, that’s one hell of an update! Take no prisoners girl!!! Ask his lover to testify in your divorce proceedings on your behalf.
OP: We won’t need to go to court hopefully if he just accepts the divorce.
Commenter: Incredible that he told her he was staying with his parents, and now he is.
OP: Yep it’s like he willed it into happening lol
Commenter: I really hope his mother and father know that he abandoned the girl he conned into a relationship at the motel, and that you were kind enough to take her home. What a man.
OP: I told them he abandoned a 23 year old 30 miles from her home.