Husband suspects wife is cheating with coworker so he follows her after work. UPDATED
"AITA for following my [42M] wife [27F] around for an evening?"
Here's the story:
The title sounds extreme but here are the details. My wife and I have been together for 5 years. I love her so much that it pains me to write this. The thing is, I was the sole earner for a while and I was happy to provide (I am a software developer at a local startup that has tripled in employees and gone exponential in revenue).
We're not having kids, so my wife got bored of being home and doing nothing. So she got a job at a law firm as a paralegal.
Enter this attorney, who I'll call Brandon. My wife started to bring him up quite a bit. You know when your wife starts talking about something, drops it, and then brings it up again a few minutes or hours later like there was no gap? My wife does that with stories about him.
I searched through her Facebook friends list one day for "Brandon" and saw that they had connected. Okay... Then my wife starts going to work happy hours and I'm seeing pictures of the guy on her timeline. In most of the pictures she is positioned next to him, holding a drink. Okay...
I have gained considerable weight since joining the startup. There is free food provided to us nearly every day. My wife has maintained a really low weight and looks as beautiful as she did at 22. Brandon is more like how I used to be weight wise. However, I believe I make more money than he does.
So here it goes... I take off work on Friday, as my team is nearing the end of our project. I wait for my wife to leave the firm and I see her walking out with Brandon. They get in my wife's car, purchased on my dime, and I follow them for a bit.
They go to a local dive bar and it turns out all of her coworkers are there - I see them entering. I wait for hours and everyone eventually leaves. My wife leaves last with Brandon and she takes him home. I don't see any physical contact as he exits the vehicle to go inside his apartment building.
At this point, I'm sick. I'm gutted. I wait at home for my wife and confront her about Brandon. She went insane basically, threatening to end the marriage because I stalked her. She told me she is always the DD for happy hour because she doesn't drink much (which is true), but she didn't address my greater concerns. AITA?
TL;DR Followed my wife one evening because of her weird relationship with an attorney at the firm she joined
Here's what top commenters had to say:
murderousbudgie said:
YTA. She's not allowed to hang out with coworkers? You observed nothing but normal friendly stuff and yet you confronted her? This marriage is doomed. Sorry my dude.
wigglebuttbiscuits said:
YTA. So she made a friend at work, told you about him honestly, and then you decided to stalk her...where you saw her go to a work happy hour and then drop him off at his house perfectly innocently. You’re a lunatic and I hope she leaves you ASAP. And that’s not even beginning to get into all the sexist bullshit thrown in throughout your post.
Shortandsweet33 said:
YTA for not having an honest conversation with her like an adult instead of creepily following her. Turns out she had done nothing wrong and you’re just jealous and insecure.
postXhumanity said:
Insecure much, dude? You are 100% the asshole here. You don't trust your wife but rather than bringing up your concerns with her and having a conservation like adults (you're 15 years older than her, a little maturity shouldn't be too much to ask) you spent hours following her? The fact that you thought this was your best option strongly, strongly suggests that this is a doomed relationship. YTA.
And Pirlovienne said:
YTA. Even before you started following her, you were spying on her via Facebook, so let’s not pretend it was just this one evening.
This marriage may seem doomed, but the man followed up with this UPDATE:
Believe it or not, I listened to your advice. I received extensive advice from both sides. Publicly, everyone agreed I was at fault. In my direct messages, many fervently believed me to be in the right. Regardless, I sat down and talked to my wife about my insecurities concerning her coworker, Brandon.
I told her I did not feel as attractive as Brandon and worried that as I was getting older, her interest in me was waning. I also asked her if she felt financially stable in the relationship. I apologized for following her and told her I would never do it again.
She told me several things. First, that she was offended I did not trust her. Second, that she did suspect Brandon had feelings for her based on some of his interactions and comments. Third, that she sometimes felt isolated by my work and never felt motivated one way or the other by my income. The thing about programming is it is hard to explain my work to someone who does not program.
She also told me my physical appearance and aging had no impact on her feelings towards me. She reaffirmed that she loved me and would never throw away our marriage for a divorced coworker.
So, what of our future? I asked her if she still wanted to be with me or if she could not see a future with me after I had followed her. She joked that she would forgive me after drinking a few cocktails at a tropical resort. She told me that in addition to the stalking, the cocktails would also help her forget about all of my past rants about various programming languages (Java, specifically).
I haven't told her yet, but I plan to surprise her with an all inclusive package to the Maldives, or some other island young women enjoy that I never heard of until researching...
TL;DR - My wife and I are back on track. Thank you, genuinely.
Best of luck to the happy(ish) couple!