Disillusioned wife overhears husband's manipulative pregnancy plan, makes a plan of her own. + Update
"I am very disappointed in my husband."
Chemical_Bicycle_793
My marriage has been struggling for the last year. I (32F) have been married to my husband (33M) for 6 years. Together for 8 years and we have known each other for over 20 years.
My husband is extremely accommodating. But he doesn't help me with any household chores, even when we both have the same workday. He stalls until I lose patience and do it myself. This took a toll on our relationship, as it is stressful to take care of the house and my daughter alone, and also collect socks and shirts that he scatters everywhere.
Now what was the last straw, we don't have a car and we needed to go buy some things, I had planned the day to do it in the morning and he would go with me. I woke up and did several tasks while he stayed on the couch (I didn't say anything because it was his day off).
When we were close to leaving time, my FIL called and asked for a favor. My husband got up and said he would help him, it would be quick and that our FIL would give us a ride afterwards. Ok, it wasn't our plan but I can wait another 2 hours to go.
My FIL is a hustler, lives off freelance work and is supported by his mother (my husband's grandmother). He never works, always takes money and never pays. It's a mess. In addition to always making inappropriate and false comments, he is a narcissist. That's why my MIL divorced him.
Well, 3 hours later they arrive and I get in the car. My FIL asks why my daughter (F4) didn't go to school, and I said that I let her miss it because it was just a play day and she asked to go shopping with me.
He simply says that I'm lazy and I didn't want to take her to school out of laziness, that I'm committed to going to the gym, that I should have the same commitment to school. (He was hurtful and rude and accusatory as if he was recriminating me)
I felt my blood boiling in my veins. Firstly, because I do a thousand things a day. I barely have time to rest and secondly, because my father-in-law is the laziest person I've ever seen. He's never worked in his life.
I took a deep breath and tried to control myself because I wanted to curse him. I looked at my husband waiting for him to say something to his father. ANYTHING. HE DID NOT SAY ANYTHING. He didn't defend me, he didn't even try to explain anything. What did I expect? For him to fight? NO. but for him to at least say "don't talk to my wife like that" or "that's not true".
This is not the first time my husband has failed to respond to someone in his family who says something inappropriate. He says it's better to "avoid a fight" or "that's just how they are" and on that day all our marital problems kept playing in my mind.
I was very disappointed and I can't look at him any other way unless I dislike him. I have been fighting for my marriage, but I feel like he isn't fighting for me, and now I really want to file for divorce. I'm hurt and I'm afraid I'm overreacting because of this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
dailysunshineKO
Yeah. I don’t blame you for being frustrated.
BoringClothes242
In terms of freeloading, it doesn't sound like the apple falls far from the tree with your husband and his father. I'd find it incredibly hard to stay attracted to and maintain respect for someone so sedentary - he doesn't express any desire to contribute to your household, the care of your child, and is so complacent that he isn't willing to stand up for you.
If everything is down to you, what would you lose without him? If he stalls until you give in and take over his share of responsibilities, what is he actually doing that you couldn't do yourself as a single parent - or, how is your situation now any different to being a single parent?
If anything, the only thing you'd be missing is the constant resentment that arises when you're consistently made aware that you're in a partnership where you're giving everything and receiving nothing back.
Sharing custody would, ironically, mean that you and your partner would have more equal caring responsibilities of your child than you seemingly currently do in your marriage.
If you haven't expressed these issues to him - and how close you are to calling it quits - now is the time to share. If you've already tried to no avail, then maybe it's time to start thinking about the logistics of ending your marriage.
lucybugkn
I don’t think you understand the word accommodating.
tonidh69
So he's lazy AND a coward.
FartWatcher
Yeah no. I’d be out if my husband didn’t even try to stick up for me.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: I'm very disappointed with my husband"
Chemical_Bicycle_793
A few weeks ago I made a post about my wedding. Well this is an update. I'm going to file for divorce. Since I wrote here, many things have happened. But long story short, I told my husband it wasn't working for me anymore. I asked for time to put things in order.
He didn't respect my space. In a few days, he "got sick" and ended up staying at home (he was at my FIL's house and he was sleeping on the couch.) He asked us to go to individual and couples therapy. And he said he didn't want to lose me.
Well a few days ago, my BIL came to visit me and they were talking about our marriage. (I'm not proud to say this, but I overheard part of the conversation). My husband said he was trying hard to get back to being intimate and that he intended to get me pregnant, knowing that with another child I would never leave him.
I'm so angry that I've barely been able to look at him the last few days. I've been avoiding him and honestly there's no more time to fix our marriage. How could he be capable of something like this?
I feel deceived and manipulated in ways I can barely explain.
He still doesn't know that I heard, and he doesn't know that I'm going to file for divorce.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
grandmasvilla
Read your original post and think you are doing the right thing to divorce your husband. Don't tell him anything till you are ready to serve him the paper. Make sure not to get intimate just in case.
He and his family seem to have no hope of changing in the future, so get out asap and live your life. Focus on yourself and your child and start planning for a new life without the deadweight on your back. You are being a good role model for your daughter for her future. Wish you all the best.
Careless-Banana-3868
Your husband agreed with the idea to sexually assault you to keep you in the marriage. Avoid intercourse if possible. Keep your plan close to your chest until you’re ready to serve. Tell someone you trust if you’re able of your plan in case you need support.
greymoria
He would have to pierce MORE condoms? So did he baby trap her with their first child as well?
Forteanforever
You have a bizarre notion of what is meant by an "extremely accommodating" husband.
matchamagpie
Wow, two rotten apples from the same tree. BIL and OOP's husband are vile accomplices. I hope she can get out smoothly, I'd be concerned they'd be willing to do something to harm her if they know she's leaving.