Man says, 'Listen to your wife and put your family first before your mom’s feelings!'
"Had no idea the effects of my mom on my marriage and family until I cut her off in June. Guys listen to your wives and put your family first before your mom’s feelings!"
Ok_Raspberry8535
Maybe this can give strength to guys to let go of mom. Maybe it can give insight to girls on what their husband it going through. Here is a summary of my past.
My family is in recovery from the effects of my toxic mother. I am the favorite of five kids and the baby. My mother has had an unhealthy attachment to me since birth. She has no boundaries with my marriage and passive aggressively insulted my wife for years. My mom has been resentful of me spending more time with my wife's family due to this.
My mom has been married twice and has explosive toxic relationships with ALL of her family members and deceased parents. She had her mom raise my two half brothers so she could marry my dad without baggage. She did this but still criticizes my family values.
I was the only one to involve her in my life and with my two small kids. At the end of our relationship I was hanging out with her once a week and that was not enough. She thought visits were rushed and too short and not fun. My time is valuable! I work a demanding job and have boys three and four and one on the way.
My mom demanded to come on vacations with us. She intentionally began trying to start serious arguments. She encouraged me to “stand up to your wife for me!”
I told her she is causing marital problems. Instead of backing down she doubled down. She even involved my toxic arrogant surgeon brother who likes to instigate from a distance and encourage manipulation.
The final straw was around June. She felt she needed to crash my Father’s Day and demanded to be involved. My wife is pregnant btw. I said it is my day. Last time she just sat around with a scowl on her face and made me wait on her while I was busy with my two small kids.
I told her we’re doing our own thing. "I’m not getting in fights for you anymore” - I don’t even care how we got to this point anymore. It ultimately led to her calling my MIL and going off.
She texted all of us after this call saying she was done with all of us forever and to have a nice life. This was including my pregnant wife. It was not long after this that her and my brother both guilty tried to buddy up. I have partially cut him off as well.
Anyhow for years I made excuses but this went too far. She expressed she did not care if she caused a divorce. I spoke to her briefly on the phone a few weeks ago. She continues to have no accountability or remorse. She. thinks she did nothing wrong and is going right back to deciding my own family boundaries.
I did not show sympathy. I asked her what she thought was going to happen. She threatened to seriously hurt herself and I hung up. She called back, I didn’t answer.
Our baby is due Friday. She does not know the exact due date; I said it was October. This is the first time I will be able to walk into this without being stressed out. I have no plans for her to be involved. She would have been faking a health problem if she knew it was this weekend.
I thought my wife was biased in the past and being too hard on my mom. My mom is sick but refuses to admit it or take meds. She is a mental health provider! She thinks she is holier than all. I realized I WAS THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN BIASED.
So to you guys sticking up for your mom’s toxic behavior. I want to express some realizations and impact on my life since:
1. Your wife is your one and only not your mom. Your wife chose you to be with forever. Your mom raised you and needs to let go of that idea that you are still her baby
2. It is ok to cut off your mother if she is directly or indirectly negatively impacting your family that you created. Especially if they don’t care. It is ok to still love her and miss good times with her. You just have to do what is best your your wife and kids.
3. Things have never been better as a husband and father and career. I have more energy more positivity and patience. I have so much more and energy without her. I did not realize how much this toxic relationship was consuming me.
4. Holidays and special events are no longer tainted. I was able to celebrate my summer holidays and birthday with my family and not have to answer negative demands or succumb to obligation and guilt trips.
5. Being old, lonely, sick, disabled sucks but it is not an excuse to act and do whatever you want. I was easily manipulated by feeling guilty for this and compromising. We are all going to be old and less healthy one day.
6. After four months it seems like she is honestly doing better on her own. She has gone on normal trips with friends from pictures I’ve seen. Maybe you are also holding your mom back from moving on to another chapter by succumbing to her. She needs to find meaning in life elsewhere.
7. Finally I would just like to say to the wives. Please be patient with your husbands. It is NOT EASY being in the middle of this. There are feelings of duty as a son that can be difficult to overcome.
Wives don’t be cruel to husband or you will be perceived as the villain. Your MIL feeds off these feelings and paints the picture that they are the victim to the cruel DIL. Lead your guys in the right direction and they will come along.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
SweetMelissa1973
This is absolutely spot on PERFECT...my ex husband was a lot like you, always bending to his mom's whims and never defending me. In fact I was always the one who was told that I needed to lighten up and let things go. The day I left was the first time that he ever defended me. Good on you for these realizations- never let anyone come between you & your family...EVER.
HauntingWolverine513
In regards to #7, if they're still your wife during all this they ARE being patient with you. It's not cruel to enforce boundaries for yourself and your children when your spouse caves to someone's every whim. It's not cruel to protect your own mental health or your childrens' when your spouse refuses to step up and protect you. And it's not cruel to communicate your unmet needs to your spouse.
Your wife does not owe you infinite patience while her needs repeatedly go unmet until you decide you've been inconvenienced enough to act. If her words start to sound impatient, it's because she feels like she's been talking to the wall and that's your sign that you've waited too long to really listen to her.
Quizzy1313
7 is bullllllll poopy. 7 is you basically trying to silence victims with toxic in laws and you were making sense until then. I would not, I repeat, I would NOT sit patiently and idolly by whilst my SO got his head out of his behind as his mum threatened to have my sexuality corrected through medical and physical means, insulted my child, deliberately dead-name and miss-gender my nb sibling.
Gave said nibbling a pamphlet on CONVERSION THERAPY and tried to accuse her ex son in law of rape on his own children to have them removed and give to her. I'm an introvert but once you get to know me I will roar as loud as possible....no I will not be patient and nobody else has to be.
The OP responded here:
Ok_Raspberry8535
Edit: To the angry commenters. I really did just post this to try and help people going through this. We succeeded and just giving my take. It was a very complicated situation and my wife and her had some good years on and off during this. This was just the end.
My wife also wanted to make it work but it go too much at the end. I did not cut her off for trying to ruin my Father’s Day. It just happened to be that final holiday meltdown.
Regarding #7. I am not suggesting to be silent or don’t argue. I am suggesting if you want to work through this, avoid divorce, and not give MIL what she wants -then dig deeper than just only arguments.
I am saying try to make him face his dysfunctional upbringing and accept it was not normal or right. That he does not have to take the high road with people because they are related to him.
Silent_Syd241
Your wife went through hell for years dealing with your mom and you didn’t care because you were too much of a mama’s boy to see it. It wasn’t until she wanted to interrupt “your day” that you finally saw the light. All I have to say is your wife is a better woman than me to put up with that for years with no support from her husband.
Transformermom2
i was sorta with you until you got to number 7. It’s not cruel to look after your own mental wellbeing. Number 7 puts everything back on the wife when she is not the problem in this scenario at all.