'AITA for expecting my wife to support my elderly parents?' OP RESPONDS
"AITA for expecting my wife to support my elderly parents?"
My wife has a high-paying job and earns significantly more than I do. I work as a teacher and make around 40k, while she works in the private sector and makes £300-400k after tax. We split our finances equitably, with her paying 70% to my 30%.
A little background: her parents both immigrated to this country so she and her sisters could succeed in life, and now all have very high-paying jobs, one working in tech and the other being a surgeon. Meanwhile, my parents worked government jobs, and my sister lives on benefits, so we are a relatively low-income family.
My wife did help my younger sister when she became a single mother at a young age by offering her a secretary job at her office, but my sister quit after a month as she found it too difficult, (which I can understand as she was raising a baby on her own). Recently, her parents retired, and she and her sister give them around £2000 every month, which I find ridiculous they have pensions; why do they need £6k?
She assured me this money does not come out of our joint account. However, when I bought up, my parents were also retired and could use the help. She told me that if I could afford to send it from my own salary, I should. I was shocked and angry; my parents only had me to depend on while her sisters made a lot of money, so her parents would be fine either way.
My wife told her her parents sacrificed a lot by moving to this country; it is her responsibility, and my parents should be my responsibility. She says I am being an @$$hole for asking her to support my parents when she has never put pressure on me for not contributing more to our household.
We had a similar argument before about loaning my sister some money to put a down payment on her house, but my wife said she would not use her money as she thinks my sister is unreliable and won't pay her back. I just don't understand how she can be so cheap because she earns so much more than me. AITA for asking my wife to support my family?
EDIT- A lot of you are asking why parents need help when they have pension. My Dad has Parkinsons, his condition is only going to get worse. My mum isn't strong enough to help with his diaper etc. The only option is to put him in a care home and separate the two of them because we can't afford a live-in carer. This is frustrating to me as my wife knows all this and her parents are in great health currently.
Her offering money would no way break her bank but would help my parents a lot. I just think she is being selfish because if the roles were reversed I would help her.
People had a lot to say, and they did not hold one bit of it back.
MadTownMich wrote:
Did y’all catch his comment stating that his wife does the majority of household tasks and parenting? YTA, sir. Maybe you should go move in and care for your elderly parents to see what it’s like to work a job and then come home and have to work more.
the_owl_syndicate wrote:
YTA. She's your wife, not a sugar mama for you and your family.
SomeRazzmatazz339 wrote:
YTA - your sense of entitlement is vast. You could end up living on only your salary if you keep up this attitude. Get a side hustle if you want to support your folks so much.
PleaseCoffeeMe wrote:
YTA, I’m kind of getting the impression your family is a bit entitled. Your wife helps your sister get a job, she quits it. You demand your wife lend your sister money, your sister who lives on benefits, who isn’t working, who most likely won’t pay it back?
Your wife and her sisters do well because they worked hard and their parents sacrificed. You, your parents and your sister made your own life and career (or lack of) choices. You are all not entitled to your wife supporting you all.
circe1818 wrote:
YTA. If she earns enough to help provide for her parents and still be able to provide for your joint household, you don't get to dictate what she does with her earnings. It's not her fault or responsibility to provide for your family. If you want to help out your parents or sister, you need to do it from your own income.
After receiving a good lashing of criticism, OP jumped back on with some thoughts and self-reflection.
Wow I didn't expect this post to blow up. Just to address the elephant in the room, I can see that I am being an @$$hole and I love and appreciate my wife a lot. I will speak to my sister about moving in my parents like many of you suggested.
However there is not much I can do about my job, I am almost 48 and work for the PE department at a s#$%y secondary school. I can't just quit and make similar amounts to my wife who works in private equity and has multiple rental properties under her name. This post has been kind of a slap in the face and I fully expected everyone to tell me I'm NTA but it turns out I am.
I guess it's been an emotional situation with my father his health has been declining and I've felt helpless and when I found my wife can comfortably help her parents I felt a bit betrayed and hurt. I agree that it's not her responsibility to help but I've had sleepless nights imagining my dad at a care home reading horror stories and I guess I just expected my wife to be a bit more empathetic.
But I agree that they are my parents are my responsibility I've listened to the replies and will start looking for remote tutor jobs so can pick up the slack and bond more with my daughter. A part of me wants to delete this post so my wife never finds this but I think it will keep as a good reminder for the future.
I would also like to say my wife has very expensive taste we live in a house that I can by no means afford with my salary, we go on multiple holidays which I also chip in and my wife likes expensive presents which I have to save up for. Even with my salary, I don’t have much in my savings and that’s something I will need to talk to my wife about.
Here's what people had to say after OP's comment:
Dude…what is your excuse for not parenting?
AngleComfortable1917 OP responded:
I do parent my daughter I’m sorry if one line in a comment made it seem like I’m deadbeat dad but that is not the case.
Hey OP, your second edit makes you look worse, just an FYI. the whining, pouting, and blaming everyone but you for your situation.