Man begs wife not to confront his mom who refuses to eat her cooking.
AITA for begging my wife to just leave my mom alone and not confront her?
My mom is currently visiting me and my wife. This is her first visit since we moved here three years ago. She is not one of those intrusive MILs, but my mom and my wife just do not enjoy each other at all. If I wasn't married to my wife these are not two people would would ever willingly be in the same room.
My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her. My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too often (when we were engaged), and expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spend more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life.
There is also leftover resentment from our wedding. My mom to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited a man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs). Because we didn't tell her he was coming she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her. My wife thinks my mom is a spoiled brat and should have had zero say over our wedding.
My mom has been fine during this visit though. The only issue is she isn't eating, and I mean literally isn't eating anything. She is clearly going out and buying food, because she doesn't seem sick or lethargic at all, but since getting to our house the only thing I have seen her eat is one chocolate peanut butter cup.
She sits with us while we eat, but always says she isn't hungry/doesn't feel well (though she seems fine).
Later in the evening she asks to use my car to get 'coffee' so I am sure she is going out, getting what she wants, and binge eating enough to get through the next day. Personally I don't care. She is being a good guest, it's nice for me to see her, and she isn't being careless with my car, so no problem.
My wife however is furious. She is currently not speaking to my mom due to this. She says I need to confront her or she will. I flat out refused as I said she is being polite about it and who are we to force her to eat. My wife called me spineless and said she is going to handle it. She called her mom and sister to get their opinion and is now all ready for a confrontation.
I broke down this morning and begged her to just let it go. She accused me of wanting her to just shut up and endure for my sake and is now mad at me. She says she has to do it as I am being a mama's boy. My mom is flying home tomorrow and I just do not see any reason to make this an issue.
Questions, comments and judgements:
EvolvingWren says:
INFO: WHY is your mother doing this?? You don't say why she refuses to eat the food being prepared in the home???? It's extremely weird, OP, (and considered rude in many cultures) to be a guest in someone's house and refuse to actually EAT with them. You're not telling us everything...
SeaworthinessLow8759 OP responded:
My mom has always had control issues with food, refusing to eat around people she is uncomfortable with, and cooked me whatever I wanted as a kid because my body my choice. I think she is just anxious and uncomfortable being in our house. She is very healthy and athletic, nothing to be concerned with
MashaSP says:
So, your mother is likely have an ED and also being passive-aggressive to your wife by refusing to eat because she, what might look like according to your comments, 'feel uncomfortable around her DIL'.
You got used to that behavior and do not want to disturb the peace, for you everything seems fine on the surface and you don't care to know or do anything to go beyond the surface.
But it's more than that to your wife. She is uncomfortable in her own house, feels disrespected by your mother, and also her husband is clueless and cares more about mom feeling comfortable, but the wife. I don't think it's enough to make you an AH, but your wife is definitely not an AH here and she might not feel like you are on her side.
Ancient_List says:
...She's not comfortable enough to eat around your wife, but she's staying over?
Either your mother is being passive aggressive or doesn't understand how rude that comes across with not eating the food that's served. Did your mother even try to explain this ED to your wife? To make it clear that no insult was intended despite the seemingly insulting behavior?
SeaworthinessLow8759 OP responded:
I mean it's pretty obvious that my mom is doing this for me but is sad. She just looks sad. She keeps disappearing to call her husband and tell him how much she misses him. My wife knows after their history she isn't just going to be comfortable. They also do not have the type of relationship where my mom is going to confide her feelings to her.
I don't know if ED is the right word but she has a history of being weirdly controlling about food, such as refusing to eat in front of people who make her uncomfortable like her new stepmom and taking it far enough that she was making herself sick. She is just going to brush off a conversation. We aren't close and there is no way she would share her private feelings with me.
JennyLouC says:
ESH. Your wife is making your mom’s eating disorder about her and seems like she’s looking for a fight. Your mom seems like she needs to get help for a whole host of reasons, and I mean that with genuine empathy. Y’all need to spring for a hotel next time she visits because clearly these are three grownups who should not be sharing a space.
I haven’t seen you answer who pushed for this business dude to be invited against your mother’s wishes. That seems like an important piece of the dynamic here. There’s a lot we can’t know about these relationships but everyone seems like the worst.
SeaworthinessLow8759 OP replied:
To be totally honest it was a setup. Obviously we did not plan the wedding to f**k with her, but my wife had no other reason to demand this guy be invited knowing the potential blow up. I know she did it to screw with her but she deeply regrets it, I wish I stopped it, but also I think my mom needs to let it go.