'AITA for leaving for a ski trip while my wife and kid were asleep?' UPDATED
"AITA for leaving for a ski trip while my wife and kid were asleep?"
My wife and I have a daughter, Chloe (4). Chloe has autism and developmental delays. Chloe gets very clingy to my wife when she doesn’t feel well and she’s basically been sick since Halloween.
One thing she does when she doesn’t feel well is refuse to sleep without my wife, so almost every night for the past month and a half, my wife and Chloe have been sleeping in the guest room. The problem is Chloe is a kicker and likes to sprawl out so my wife doesn’t sleep well when she’s sleeping next to Chloe.
To let her get some rest, I’ve been getting up an hour and a half early every day so I could take Chloe in the mornings. I get her dressed, do her hair, give her breakfast, and drop her off at daycare/play with her on weekends while my wife locks herself in the guest room.
This has been exhausting, so when my friends invited me on a ski trip last weekend I obviously wanted to go. I tried to tell my wife about it, but she shut it down immediately.
I thought she was being unfair because at least she gets a break in the mornings and when Chloe’s at daycare. I don’t get a break, so last weekend I packed up and left the house before Chloe and my wife woke up. I sent her a text telling her where I am and when I’ll be back.
When I got back, there was a note saying Chloe and my wife were staying with my wife’s family and that she hopes the trip was worth it. The only time she’s spoken to me is when she texted me pictures of Chloe at a park to let me know that she’s okay.
My friends all say she’s overreacting, and that she shouldn’t keep my kid from me, but my mom called me and cursed me out for leaving my wife with Chloe over the weekend. AITA?
Info:
itsreallysam asks:
How long was the ski trip?
aitaskitrip OP:
4 days. 1 day to drive there, 2 days skiing, 1 day to drive back.
sheramom4 asks:
So have you planned your wife's four day vacation while you stay home with the child? Have you offered that to her?
aitaskitrip OP:
Chloe doesn’t do well when she’s away from her mom. She’d scream the entire 4 days.
PRO758 asks:
Why has your daughter been sick for almost two months straight? What have you and your wife been doing to make her feel better so she isn't clinging to your wife every night?
aitaskitrip OP:
She’s had bad allergies, she caught a stomach virus at daycare, she got a cold twice, and she recently had a respiratory infection. There’s not much we could do besides keeping her hydrated and giving her medicines.
softballpants asks:
Is your wife at home doing nothing while Chloe is at daycare and you are at work? (That’s kind of what i read it as)
aitaskitrip OP:
Not all day but she has 2 hours before work and 2 hours after. Groceries and dinner can’t take that long. We had frozen lasagna twice and leftovers twice in the week before she left. She’s not a SAHM but she only works 15 hours a week. Chloe’s in daycare from 9-4 and she works from 11-2. She gets 2 hours before and 2 hours after work.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
LongjumpingBody8362 writes:
I don’t have a special needs kid but even I’D be pissed if my husband left me and my son for 4 days while I was sleeping. The words I have in my head to describe this guy would get me banned. Hopefully she sees how much better she is without him! YTA big time
SirMittensOfTheHill writes:
YTA. You've been getting a break every damn night, dude. Your wife is the one getting no sleep all night, except for the couple of hours you think is 'exhausting.
You took a fun weekend ski trip with your friends, with absolutely no regard for your sick child or your wife. When does she get to have a getaway with friends? Never? Was the cost of this trip gifted to you? No, then you took money out of the family budget and squandered it on yourself.
IndigoBlueBird writes:
Your break is the 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep you get at night. Her break is the 1.5 hours of sleep she gets in the morning. You wanna trade? You made a unilateral decision to abandon your wife for the weekend with your sick kid. YTA
A week later OP came back with this update:
It’s been a week since my post, 2 weeks since my wife left. We’re getting divorced. They’re still staying with my wife’s parents (her choice) and I’m going to give my wife full custody with me only visiting occasionally. They’re too far for a normal custody exchange and Chloe needs her mother.
I have gone up there and visited once. My wife seems happier and Chloe’s adjusting fine. I think this will be best for everyone.
Here are some responses to OP's update:
I love how you're bowing out of any responsibility in this update. No admitting to any mistakes. Just choosing to leave all responsibilities to your wife for childcare, even after divorce, under the same bs excuse of "Chloe only likes her mom". Do you honestly think people will commend you for that? *insert eye roll*
Really? Too far to drive? But a full day's drive to ski with your bros wasn't too far? You need to do a deep dive for a modicum of conscious left, and make a custody agreement that actually has you involved in your child's life. If not, I guess we'll see you back here in a decade or two asking why your kid doesn't talk to you anymore.
I disagree. Most kids with autism thrive on routines and schedules. Him not being able to visit this month, or deciding that she doesn't really need that bedtime because he came late and kept her out late, or getting mad because "she's crying and doesn't appreciate that i drove 4 hours, she's a brat" will all be more harm than it's worth.
Chloe would be better off emotionally if she never sees or hears from him, at least until she's old enough to understand.
OP, you shouldn't be off the hook for being such a bad parent, but you shouldn't ruin her life anymore. Bow out and send enough support that your wife can balance childcare with her own life.
I remember your post. You think it’s okay to only visit occasionally? You’re still a father. You still have responsibilities to your child. If you’re determined to be absent, make sure you pay child support and take care of her financially.
While I think your ex made the right choice, and you have a lot of growing up to do, I hope y’all can learn to coparenting peacefully. Get an app for it if you need to.
They’re 4 hours away and she doesn’t have any plans to move closer to me.