'AITA for wanting my husband to give me money, not just pay the bills?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting my husband to give me money, not just pay the bills?"

ADAMAR1E

I (F35) moved to the US to be with my spouse (M40). When I arrived I had remote work and some savings. Since that work stopped I dipped in my savings paying for little expenses for myself and the household. Fast forward to 6 mos later the money ran out. My husband refuses to give me any money for my personal use.

Not for grand expenses but to buy personal hygiene stuff like sanitary pads, facial wash, shampoo etc. His reason was that he is providing shelter, food, utilities; what would I feel like if that was taken away (said as a joke). I was made to feel he's providing, just not pampering/spoiling. What little funds I get occasionally are from stuff back home I sell online.

He earns more than enough for a family of 2. No child support, alimony, debt or big loans. I know because he doesn't hide his pay slip, investment statements, etc. He gave me proof of his assets when we submitted immigration papers. He's just a tightwad.

I was expecting access to funds for the household expenses, not everything he has. I asked to make me an extension of his card in the meantime but got a big NO. He buys groceries but tailored for what he likes. During the times I asked for grocery money, he once gave me $20 for a week and had the gall to ask for change.

Once he gave me $60 and I had to itemize what I bought. The times he brought me to an Asian grocery to buy what I want/need it ended with scrutinizing the cart. Those trips felt like I was suppose to hail him for the grand effort.

I'm upset because of the indignity of having literally nothing. Again, not for crazy expenses. There are days when I like a cup of coffee to unwind, a cheap pair of shoes, a new book. I don't even consider them luxury, it is for mental health. I feel bad lying to friends I can't join a simple lunch because I don't have money. He has said it is up to me to find funds if I want to do something like that.

He said he knew me as a strong independent woman. When we met I was employed! I've been confronting him but I end up crying and made to feel it is my fault for not saving enough to cover this period until I can work again.

He tells me this each time. He insists it is not as if I'm paying for necessities (rent, electricity, wifi, cable). He thinks providing the bare minimum is enough. I just tell myself when I can work & earn my own money, I wont feel this bad. He said he's not expecting me to share half of the expenses when the time comes.

But, this period of waiting isn't good for me mentally. I feel undignified not only about the unmet needs but feeling there is no 'we/us' in this situation. Asking an allowance as a wife feels so WTF already. I'm a partner not a child.

So, AITA for hating on spouse who isn't giving me money or am I just being entitled? In an interracial marriage, I feel I have to make wider leeway for cultural differences but I also don't want to gaslight myself.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

aemondstareye

He asked you to move to a country where you can't legally work and won't help you buy shampoo? And he's your husband? Yeah, NTA. Huge red flag.

Early-Tale-2578

Forget shampoo she can’t even buy pads that’s a huge necessity her husband is an complete a**@ole.

SummitJunkie7

OP should hang around for one more menstrual cycle, free bleed on all his furniture, and then leave the a**hole.

Ok_Pool5377

NTA. Not allowing you personal hygiene? That’s bad. Get a job… anything and start saving money. Leave his ass. If you can, move back where you are from, I’m assuming you have family there. There is no way I’d stay the allotted time to get a green card. Good luck.

ADAMAR1E OP responded:

Ngl, a part of me feels I won't feel this bad if I have my own money but what if it happens again right? I was already exposed to the kind of partner he is in this time of crisis, although a personal one. :(

Sirealism55

You should probably acquaint yourself with divorce laws for green card holders... just in case it does happen again.

ForeverNugu

Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to? NTA

ADAMAR1E OP responded:

This aspect aside im still hanging on to the other qualities that made me commit. Money issues used to be not a hard nonnegotiable because hey that's just money but maybe I did feel that bec i was employed then and have my own funds. :(

OP added this info in response to a comment:

Thank you for all your insights, NTA and otherwise.

I am waiting for my green card (I-485) but also for a temporary work permit (I-765). The desire to work under the table is tempting but thats also one of the things the husband told me not to do because he holds an active Security Clearance, so we dont want to do anything to mess that up. And correct, it will def. affect my immigration application.

I am still in that place where I am justifying his redeeming qualities because there are still really good days. I am free to do what I want with my time, I am not required to do house chores (I just do it because theres nothing else to do). I use the time to study online and upskill.

Thanks to the suggestion to write because confrontations really mess me up, not to mention English is not my first language. I write much much better than I speak. I tried the pros and cons thing. I guess what im seeing now is that the effects of this current situation outdo the pros, but sometimes I still feel guilty for feeling this way towards him.

I find it hard to summarize what I want to happen without sounding like "I want money, why arent you giving me money!!!!". I sell my old books back home and some of the items I left behind. They dont cost a lot but they have helped me fund the hygiene necessities for now. Sadly I also cannot open this up to my parents but that is a story for a diff. day.

My husband says he was attracted to me because I am low maintenance and independent. Which I still am but just now without my own purchasing power. I had a good job back home and my "low maintenance" meant i was never into anything luxurious and he knows that going in.

That is why I found it upsetting when he is not giving me access to funds because its not as if I have a history. He even makes fun of my craving fast food, my comfort food. Sharing a card actually will enable him to track what I bought with his money, even though reading through your comments I am realizing yeah that in itself is unhealthy.

The things I buy are most often for the home. Even the ones I used my own money for. I reviewed my account and it was depleted by purchases from Giant, Wegmans, Safeway (all groceries). I did contribute to the weekly groceries until I no longer cant. In hindsight i probably should have hoarded my shampoo, conditioner, facial wash, and sanitary pads. Haha

We used to have date nights but we alternately paid. I was ok with it because whoever pays gets to decide where to go. It was fun until I lost my own funds and not surprising, the date nights ended too. Not too much minding it because I wasnt used to being out on dates anyway.

I note all the suggestions to research organizations just in case things get worse. I definitely will look after myself much better when I finally am allowed to work. To be honest I cannot say I'll be ready to bolt once I have secured my own funds, still the stubborn part of me who keeps thinking how okay it was before.

There was respect then and I had free rein. But I'll definitely be more careful and vigilant. Maybe this is still part of the powerlessness of not having money, I dont know. But thank you for the comments.