'AITA for holding my husband accountable for his promise?'
"AITA for holding my husband accountable for his promise?"
My husband and I will be celebrating our 10th year anniversary next month. When we first got engage 11 years ago I choose a basic engagement ring for our budget ($700). He wanted me to choose something nicer, but I didn’t wanted to hurt his finances since he was getting it on credit.
I told him that right there in the jewelry store and he promised me an upgrade ring on our 10th year anniversary. Since then I have really being looking forward to it. Looking at beautiful rings dreaming of finally getting my dream ring. We are in a better position right now, by no means rich, but we are stable.
Couple of years ago he was in Germany and he got some diamond stud earrings for himself a lot cheaper than in US. I told him at that time look for the stone for my ring. He reminded me to wait for our 10th year anniversary. I understood, everytime we go at the stores I'm always looking for a diamond ring.
I tried a couple of nice rings on for great prices but he always remind me to wait for our 10th year anniversary. I mentioned to him before that we could do half and half on the cost if that means I’m getting the ring I really want. He said no he’ll be the one buying the whole ring.
Well now he’s deployed out of the states. Since it’s so close to our 10th year anniversary I've been sending links of rings for him to look at. I want to stay on a budget nothing over 5k. Seems like he finds those too expensive and told me he didn’t want to buy the ring anymore.
We are planing going back home for Christmas and we’ll be selling our home next year and we are going to make some repairs. But I feel he’s going back on his word, he just got a $900 tattoo. It’s his money he can spend as he pleases. He works hard but he could have easily been putting some money aside for my ring.
He tells me I’m being entitled and unreasonable. We do have some savings in the bank we could spare some for my ring but I guess he doesn’t want to. After the discussion he told me I could buy the ring I want after we sell the house.
I feel tricked since the house is under my name. I paid the mortgage every month and I purchased this house with the money from the previous home I owned before marrying him. Now I really feel like I’m paying for my own ring.
Not only that, but the plans we had before with the money from the sale. We were saving it for our next house and taking a family trip to Japan. I told him that’s the only money I have to spare, and it's for the vacation to Japan, and the rest is going in the bank. It’s not supposed to be touched.
I know it’s a ring it’s a material thing, but I feel lied to all these years. He keeps lying to me since he knew he wasn’t going to buy me the ring he promised. He broke his promise and this broke my heart. I’ll never trust his word again. Am I the asshole for holding him accountable?
OP came back and added these edits:
I came into some money a while back and I wanted to buy my own ring. He said I shouldn’t because that would make him feel bad since he’s the one who promised me a ring. So instead I paid all our card debt. He had 7k in credit card debt that I paid. I feel so stupid now. But we are a marriage and we have kids and it felt right at the time.
When I went thru that in my previous divorce my ex took all the money in our joint account. That’s why I choose to keep most finances separate. But we do have some shared accounts. I track my credit score every month and with my finances im very organized.
Here's what advice people had for OP:
Melissa W. says:
YTAH…. Well you both are. Who cares about the ring? It’s a bit ridiculous to care that much to the point of nagging him and making yourself this upset, go on a trip to japan and stop worrying about a ring. You have been with him for over 10 years, I’m sure he hasn’t just all of the sudden started acting this way, you made your bed now lie in it.
Jackie T. says:
He made a promise to you and is now going back on that. It's not fair to you and it seems that he isn't interested in spending money on you or doing something that will make you happy. You should reevaluate the relationship because it seems like he might be using you for money...
Destine L. wrote:
Idk you both seem too immature for marriage tbh. He said wait until your 10th anniversary and you agreed to that. Maybe he wants to make an event out of it. You consistently keep nagging about it despite it not being your 10th anniversary yet. People who care that much about the ring don't really care about the actual marriage part. It's materialistic and cringe.
That said I also think your husband is being sketchy and a bit odd. This whole thing is odd tbh.
Kelly M. wrote:
Honestly i wouldn't give 2 craps about a ring. A ring is not the point of marrying. A trip to japan that everyone enjoys sounds better. I feel YTA for being materialistic. Why does someone NEED a 5k ring ffs. Show off ur husband not a silly ring.
Nicole M. wrote:
NTA. If he remembered and continuously acknowledged that it would happen it’s on him for changing his mind. If he didn’t want to he should have communicated that within the numerous opportunities he had during his discussions with you about rings.
I’m not saying leave him, but I would definitely feel upset / lied to. It’s fine if he changed his mind, it’s not fine that he led you on to believe it would happen year after year then selfishly pulled back on it last minute. It’s not the ring, it’s the principle.
OP responded:
Exactly he should’ve had a heart to heart conversation with me about it. Telling me he feels bad he didn’t keep his promise. Maybe next year or if I could choose something else for now that would fit a certain budget.
I would have understand but telling me in passing like it was nothing that took me off guard. Then getting upset with me like it was my fault for believing him. Made me realize he’s been making empty promises all this years.
Gina M. says:
Something about this really doesn’t sit well with me. I’m sorry but I just do not trust your husband and would NOT trust him with any money once your house is sold. Be careful of his intentions.
OP responded:
I’m beginning not to trust him anymore. I paid all our card debt. I feel so stupid.