Man visits bartending wife at work; she says, 'this is my idiot husband'; people laugh.
'AITA for visiting my wife at work'
We're each 23, we got married last October. She bartends at a place nearby our apartment. I work from home.
They're young and 'in love'?
On Monday night, I was home alone as she'd gone in for her shift. I thought it'd be kind of cute/romantic/funny, to go down there during her shift, something I've never done before. So, I go down there, I see her behind the bar, wait until her back is turned, and then I rush over there and grabbed a seat.
Awwww.
She turns around and sees me. There was no smile, no giggle, just an eye-roll and a 'What are you doing here?' I joked that I was in town on business and needed a drink. She told me to go home and added, 'If you're here to flirt, I'm in no mood'.
Uh oh.
I asked if I could stay for a drink. She said 'No' and insisted again that I go home. When she realized that others at the bar were confused, she let them know that I was her 'idiot husband,' which got some laughs.
Ouch.
I figured this was going nowhere and went home. The next morning she explained that it was really inconsiderate of me to show up while she's working. My case was, I thought I was being romantic. She said I was being selfish AITA?
Q&A with OP:
Dark_Mode_Nose_Wind asks:
1. Was it an established boundary that you shouldn't go into the bar while your wife is working?
2. Did you have an argument with your wife previous to her shift?
3. Does your wife make demeaning comments to you outside of work?
4. Have you been to your wife's bar together when she isn't working? Have you met her boss/coworkers?
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
1. No
2. No
3. No
4. Yes, we've gone a few times on her off-nights and I've met her manager and co-workers, they were all great
Allcapswhispers asks:
Is she like this often?
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
If she's in a mood, then yeah, she can get pretty nasty with the insults.
-9-0-3-5-7-6-8- says:
My guess is that her regulars don’t know she’s married as she flirts with guys to get better tips. She was irritated to see you because you threw her off her game and she couldn’t just flirt with everyone for better tips. Or maybe they knew she’s married but she still piled on the charm in order to get better tips.
With you there, she can’t behave that way. I say this as someone who was a server for years. I never got upset when family or friends would come in because they were just more paying customers. I didn’t have to change my behavior in front of them because I was professional and treated everyone the same.
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
she keeps her ring on
Competitive_Fee_5829 asks
Maybe she just needed a break from you? You did say that you work from home yes you ARE newlyweds but still....maybe she just needed to not see you for a few hours so don't take it personal.
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
That's how I'm choosing to rationalize it.
No_Concentrate9935 writes:
I understand you motivation but I also wonder if you know her well enough to be married, why didn’t you know not to bother her at work? Why did you expect her to giggle? It wasn’t bring your partner to work day. It kind of feels like you don’t respect her since you thought it was ok to surprise her while she was working.
If you needed to get out of the house, and you really wanted to visit her at work, ask first, and don’t try and make a game out of your sudden appearance. She isn’t there for your entertainment.
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
We never set a boundary of 'don't come see me.' I honestly thought she'd find it cute. I certainly didn't expect her to drop everything and focus on me. I just missed her a bunch & figured I'd go see her.
Broad_Respond_2205 writes:
It's not about boundary, it's about knowing what your partner likes/dislike. Like, you never tried it once before you got married?
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
nope.
inFinEgan asks:
How little do you know your wife that you thought that would be appreciated? Start apologizing and hope you can apologize enough to keep her from filing the divorce papers.
Narrow_Gate_1573 OP responded:
I'm in the process of piecing together a big apology, flowers, fancy dinner out, everything
UmIAmNotMrLebowski asks:
Do you know she wants those things? Those big gestures feel like a distraction from the core issue - why not just sit down and talk?
Here's how people judged OP:
Momma4life22 writes:
NTA. She works at a bar a public place. It’s not like she works at some corporate office where you would be interrupting. You have every right to be there and I thought what you said was funny and cute. If she was slammed and not in the mood she should apologize for being so mean.
The_Amazing_Username writes:
NTA- idiot husband? You sir have a wife problem, there is a difference between not wanting to be bothered at work (you weren’t bothering her) and out right insulting you in public to your face. Imagine what she is saying about you when you aren’t there…
theredstarburst writes:
It would be extremely inappropriate for my husband to randomly show up at my work because he would be wedding crashing. But even if he thought it’d be a fun idea, I would be confused and then let him know he needed to leave, but I would never publicly demean him.
Even if I were furious at him, my belief is that you should never publicly demean your partner. I’ve actually never even privately called my husband an “idiot” in the 17 years we’ve been together.
I tend to just express emotions like “I’m so mad at you” or “you’re hurting my feelings” rather than name calling. And publicly? Yeah, you’ll never catch me publicly calling my husband names even if I were pissed as hell at him.
amazonstar writes:
The reason it's selfish is because your attempt at being 'romantic' was a demand for her attention while she was trying to do her job. What did you think she was going to get out of you showing up at her work?
YTA and the next time you want to be romantic while she's at work, try cleaning the house or cooking something for her so she has a nice surprise when she gets home.
Prestigious_Chard597 writes:
As a bartender, I hate serving anyone I know from outside of work. My fiance used to like to stop by on his way home from work. I hated it. It throws me off and makes me self conscious. One night he walked in while I was knee deep in the weeds. I just looked at him and told him to get out. I love him to pieces, but my work is my work.