'AITA for telling my wife her crappy attitude is why she's not invited on a group trip?'
"AITA for telling my wife her crappy attitude is why she's not invited on a group trip?"
Me (32M) and my wife (31F) have been together for about 6 years. We get along wonderfully and through everything, have never had any major fights except for one thing. I personally feel like my wife makes no effort to get along with my friends.
Now to give context, all my friends and I went to the same university for undergrad (3 guys and 3 girls that are married). My wife is the only one that did not have this common trait of attending undergrad between the 8 of us, which is really not a big deal if you ask me.
Early on in our relationship, my friends would always try and be friendly to her and talk to her when we would mutually hang out. My wife was cordial, but you could tell that she was uncomfortable. I would speak with her about this, and she would always comment that she was an “outsider” to all of us.
This always personally made me slightly miffed because I felt that my friends always made an effort to include her and make sure that she wasn’t singled out.
Throughout the years, my wife would attend events with me but would seem distant and would sometimes skip group events to hang with her college friends if she had something else planned. My friends never said anything but were always nice and treated her kindly.
Well this week I got a group text from my friends about planning a group vacation to somewhere next year. I quickly noticed my wife wasn’t on the group text and asked about it. I got a call from one of my friends who basically said that they didn’t invite my wife because:
1. Based on all the previous interactions they didn’t think she would want to attend.
2. Even if she did want to attend, her attitude is crappy and they don’t want it to ruin the vacation.
I thanked my friend for his honesty and told him I’d think about it. And while I love my wife, I figured she more than likely wouldn’t want to go on a vacation with them.
So I told my wife about the trip, and she asked about details. I told her that while I was invited, she wasn’t, and it wasn’t because of anything she did, but because they thought she wouldn’t want to attend.
Well this statement just seemed to about how she is an outsider. She said that because of the history us 7 had together, she had no chance of ever being a part of the group. She then went on a rant about how my friends are awful people and that she deserved to be invited even if she didn’t want to be there because she is my wife.
I sat there and listened to her vent and then finally I calmly told her that it was pretty much her own fault for not being invited, because she had taken such a hostile stance with them from the get go. She became a self fulfilling prophecy about being an outsider. That’s paraphrasing but something along those lines.
She left the house and went to her mothers. I haven’t spoken to her in several days despite texts and phone calls to try and talk to her. I probably should have been more diplomatic about what I said, but I do feel my friends have been treated unfairly. AITA?
Comments:
jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj says:
NTA Your wife needs to face up to the fact that her attitude and behavior to this point have lead to this and that people aren't going to hold out a hand in welcome forever if it keeps getting pointedly ignored or slapped away.
EmeraldBlueZen says:
ESH - You for being ok with your wife being excluded. You're wife for seemingly not trying to be friends with these people. OR that she's upset to not have been invited to a trip that she wouldn't enjoy anyway. And friends for not realizing that excluding wife would cause issues in OP's marriage. Might've been better to exclude them both actually.
embopbopbopdoowop writes:
YTA for not declining the event when they made it clear your wife wasn’t invited. It’s all couples. All spouses. EXCEPT her. You can call it a self-fulfilling prophecy if you like, but they really are proving exactly what she’s feared all along.
That you not only didn’t defend your wife but thanked the friend who spelled out why she wasn’t invited is the definition of YIKES.
Efficient_Scheme_740 says:
Your friends are AH. Funny they had no problem telling you they didn’t want her, didn’t like her and only you were included. My husband has friends I don’t care for, and I know one didn’t like me at first (the guy told me); but they would never have so crude and arrogant as your friends.
Apparently your “friends” had no problem causing you marital problems. Maybe hoping it would break up your marriage and find you a girl who fits their image.
Imdaishxp says:
The part where the wife told him she felt uncomfortable and like an outsider and he said that made him “slightly miffed”, I automatically knew he was an asshole. He didn’t mention trying to make her more comfortable. He expected her to just bond with them because they’re nice and kind. That’s the bare minimum.
Laines_Ecossaises says:
YTA. They excluded your wife from a group trip. End of story.