Mom says if son wants to marry 'conceited' gf, he can't live under her roof.
There are few things more devastating in a young relationship than parental disapproval.
One mother thought her 25-year-old son was too immature and his relationship was too new for her to approve of their marriage. Also, she really hates his girlfriend. You guys. Just really, really hates her.
'AITA for telling my son telling my son he's delusional to think that I'll approve his marriage?'
My son(25) introduced me to his fiancee Sara(20). He informed me yesterday that he was about to marry her. He has dated her for about 7 months in total. I was introduced to her 2 months ago.
I will say it outright, I don't like Sara. She's messy (and by messy I mean she looks like she lives in a dumpster), rude (she'll cuss you out when you eat the last of the chocolate, even if its your chocolate, because she wanted it (source: she did it to my daughter, I saw it with my own eyes)), wasteful, and quite conceited (my son and her are banned from family gatherings after a particular incident).
I have told my son the truth about it when he asked for my honest opinion after I met her. But in the end he's an adult and I don't control his life.
When he told me about the engagement, he asked me, since its been two months, if I approve of her now. I laughed a bit and told him no, I don't. And he got mad asked me why. So I gave him the following reasons:
1. They're 20 and 25 and getting married, which I think is a bit to early, since they've known each other for around 7 months.
2. Neither of them have a stable income or know how to cook and clean so they're hitting a disaster zone
3. They're not going to have a pre-nuptial
4. Again I don't like her
But again I told him he's an adult so its his choice.
I also told him they were going to have to move out because I have 3 other underage kids to look after and Sara is not at all nice or kind to them and that I won't support him and Sara, just if they are in an emergency.
Right now I fully pay for and house him, he pays no rent, and he has a part time job and his monthly salary, if they budget it, will give them more than enough for essentials + savings. Plus I am fully paying for his college so no loans to worry about, but other than that they have to figure it out something themselves.
I also told him not to expect me to pay for his wedding, because A) they want a very extravagant one and B) with the cost of living rising I want to save enough money to make sure my youngest (who is in 8th right now) will have the same opportunity as him.
He got mad at me and left.
I recounted this to a few of my coworkers and they think I am in the wrong. So I have come here to ask some strangers, Am I wrong?
Here was the verdict from readers:
NTA. He asked you if you approve of her and you said no but did not attempt to forbid him or anything. Generally your response and actions seem very reasonable.
Yes right. What I can't wrap.my head around is... what was this 25 yr old grown man imagining exactly? That he gets married and wifey just moves into his bedroom and together they mooch off of his mom? So he still wants to be a kid living under mom and dad's roof but wants a... wife?? I can't even laugh at this absurdity because I'm so worried about the future.
YTA for raising a 25 year old who can neither cook nor clean.
You aren't wrong that this is a disaster in the making, and telling him once he's married he has to move up and be an adult. But, still, YTA. Because you keep harping on 'And, I don't like her'. It makes me wonder how much you exaggerate her flaws to justify your opinion.
A soft YTA in the sense that while you are obligated to support your grown son and his fiance that you dislike I think you could have found a more loving and supportive way to communicate that to him. (And I see this pattern on AiTA a lot where people are classified for the things that they say and do but are just extremely rude to the people that they love.
You could have just is a well said something along the lines that you will always love and support him but you see a lot of red flags in his relationship with Sara and that maybe they should not rush into getting married take time to get to know each other and try living together first.
You can tell him that based on some of the concerns you have with Sara you would prefer not to have her move into your house but that they move out. Moving in together would be a good stepping stone for them to figure out if marriage is the right choice for them.
Finally did you not have money in your budget to fund a lavish wedding but they decide to get married you can contribute XYZ as a wedding gift.
NTA for not approving of the marriage, because he asked for your opinion. Was your answer a bit harsh? Yes, but it was also honest. Is there a possibility Sara is pressuring your son into marriage or has he always rushed things? Either way 7 months is quite a short period to know someone.
NTA. You're right that he's an adult and you can't force him to make a different choice than the one he's made. Maybe it would be worth reminding him of how much you're still financially supporting him at his big age of 25 since children, barring extenuating circumstances, typically start gaining footing in their independence in their early 20's.
Whereas he seems like he's not eager to make any steps towards that because he still presently expects you to keep providing for him and then some. I'm not suggesting stop paying for his college, but if you're giving him 'fun money' allowances I think it's time to revoke that so he starts making up lost time in learning how to walk on his own two feet here.
Dear god nta. Your coworkers can suck a duck. Your son has a lot of waking up to do, but like you said he's an 'adult' so you can't force him into NOT marrying this chick. Stand by your ruling of making them move out though.
Sounds like you and your other kids are in for a rough ride if they stick around. That's not fair to the other kids, and THAT would make you the AH.
He wants to propose after 7 months but they don't even live together yet when she has her own place and he's living at home?? At 25 I'd have moved in with my partner in a heartbeat to get away from home!