'My husband keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. Do I confront him?' MAJOR UPDATE

Is there anything more disconcerting than waking in the middle of the night to discover your partner isn't there beside you?

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman shared her very strange situation.

"My (30f) husband (34m) keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night."

As the title says, my husband keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. For basically as long as I can remember, I've gotten up at around 4 am or so, to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, that's just how my body is. And lately when I do so I won't find my husband in bed, in fact I can't find him anywhere. He does have pretty bad Insomnia.

And sometimes on really bad nights I would find him in the living room watching TV or playing a video game. Also, it's not every night. It's maybe every other night that he is sneaking out. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but this has been going on for about a month now. And I'm starting to get really annoyed/ worried about where he's going. And what he's doing at such weird hours of the night.

It happened again the other night and I stayed up until he decided to come home at 6 am. (Mind you I don't know how long he was actually gone, just that he hadn't been there from about 4 am until then). I admit I was pretty cranky and annoyed when he got home and I asked him where he had been. He told me not to worry about it and "let's go back to sleep."

I kept pushing and he said he just goes out for a walk. I wasn't satisfied with that answer, but the conversation kept going back to he just takes a walk to burn any extra energy or to clear his head when he can't sleep. So I decided to drop it, as I was pretty tired and had to be up in an hour, to go to work, anyway. Well it happened again tonight/ this morning.

I got up to go to the bathroom and I couldn't find my husband anywhere. Again, i was really annoyed. And I stayed up to see when he would get home. It was 5:35. So that's an improvement at least. When he got home he looked so sleepy and climbed into bed. And without saying a word I got out and took my pillow and blanket and came to the couch (where I am now).

I know it's petty to give him the silent treatment. but I'm frustrated and I just want to be by myself right now. I can hear him snoring, so I guess his "walk" worked. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm exhausted and I honestly just want to know the truth. Should I confront him? I'm not big on confrontation, but at the same time I really want to know what's going on.

TL;DR my husband is sneaking out and says he is going on walks to clear his head. I'm not sure where to go from here.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BigDrakow wrote:

I mean he told you he is going for a walk, if you don't believe him check if it's true. But be aware this will probably destroy his trust in you if what he does really is just walking. I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to get up in the middle of the night to go do what? Cheating? And then come back to sleep. That would be quite stupid, wouldn't it?

The fact you are not accepting his explanation underlines other problems in your relationship. And he needs to seek help for that insomnia because it will affect his health badly.

OP responded:

I do have PTSD/ abandonment issues involving an ex leaving in the middle of the night and not coming back for a week, and he actually was cheating. Not necessarily in the middle of the night but in general.

And when he came home, he broke up with me to be with his side chick. I know it's been over 10 years, but I guess I never really got over that. And I agree he does need to get his insomnia checked, I've been saying that for years

anon_commenter wrote:

Info: do you have any reason to believe he might be cheating? Can it be possible that he’s walking because he needs to burn off some energy so he can go back to sleep?

OP responded:

I know that logically, he might just be going on walks. But I have had an ex in the past leave me in the middle of the night and not return for a week. And then break up with me. And I'm now realizing that I probably have unresolved issues around this. Other than this, I can't think of any other reason.

Aerionne wrote:

Why should OP automatically have to just take his word? Would he do that if the roles were reversed? Even if he is just walking, walking for 2+ hours seems excessive. I would absolutely have a conversation with him and explain (though you shouldn't have to unless he's just dense) that odd behavior warrants questioning and he shouldn't be shocked by that.

OP responded:

And that's basically my issue. Why are the walks so long. Am I crazy for thinking it's weird to take hours long walks at 4 AM?

evennowthereissnow wrote:

It’s weird that he didn’t mention it until you “caught” him. Everyone who’s saying you’re out of line for being suspicious probably isn’t married, because the first time my or my husbands insomnia was bad enough we left the house (on foot!) in the dark for hours we would mention something the next morning! Like “wow crazy right, but it really helped so I might keep taking walks.”

Checking in with your life partner like this isn’t controlling, it’s for SAFETY. he doesn’t need your permission but if he’s outside in the middle of the night you should know! What if he doesn’t come home one morning? You call the cops and report him missing and all you can say is “I dunno, he says he walks for hours at night but I have no idea where he went / where he could be.”

I actually am constantly sharing my location on my phone with my husband, my mom, and my best friend for reasons like this. Your husband can do what he wants without permission, but not without giving you a heads up as a courtesy. I honestly think he’s probably doing something shady and you should trust your gut.

KeyRageAlert wrote:

Does he bring his phone? Ask him to show you his Google maps history if it's set to on. At least you could see where he's going.

Eight months later, OP jumped on with a major update.

UPDATE: Hello all, I wanted to provide you with an update. Apologies for taking so long to update, my life has been a whirlwind for the past 8 months. And I honestly haven't been in the best mental state. Also. TRIGGER WARNING!! This update touches on topics of depression, dr*g use and cheating.

So about two months ago a police car pulled up to my house and two police officers knocked on my door They told me they were there to do a wellness check on [my husbands name] because his girlfriend hadn't heard from him in 3 days and was worried about him. They asked me if I was his sister or what my relationship to him was.

I told them I was his wife and beyond that I can't even remember what I said, I was in shock. I just remembered them leaving and me closing the door and crying. He was at work at the time and when he got home he could tell I was upset. I mean it was obvious, because every time I tried to speak I would just start crying again. Eventually it got to the point that, I guess, he knew he had to come clean.

And he told me everything. So yeah, I found out he had been cheating on me with an ex coworker of his. Not only this, but had been supporting her and her two kids. Because she couldn't hold down a job and he didn't want them to end up homeless. The reason she couldn't hold down a job is because she was/ is into drugs and would go on week long benders where she just wouldn't show up to work.

And he says that about a year ago she called him out of the blue and cried to him saying that she was about to lose her apartment because her husband was cheating on her and had basically vanished (ironic, I know) leaving her with all the bills that had to be paid. And her two kids needed food and new stuff for school. He says that at first it was just financially supporting her and her kids.

Until he started doing the drugs with her and that's when things "escalated." He told me he had cut things off with her 3 days before the police showed up and that's why they were doing a wellness check. So I asked him if that was where he was going when he was sneaking out.

He said yes "for the most part" He also said "to be fair; I really would just go on a walk or drive around sometimes." And I know there are going to be questions about how I didn't notice the missing money. So here's my answer, we have separate bank accounts. He pays for his bills and I pay for mine. And our joint bills come out of my account and he pays me back what ever the total is for those bills.

And well, he never stopped paying me for those bills. And house hold things that were in his name never got shut off. So I never had a reason to think anything was wrong in that area. I have been so emotionally numb for these past two months and he has been begging me for about two months to make a decision about our relationship.

As in divorce or work things out because being in limbo is really "stressful" for him. I honestly just don't want to even put any energy into thinking about the future at all right now. All of my friends and family are telling me to get a divorce. But idk everything had been great up until 8 months ago.

And our lives are so intertwined. That feels so stupid to say. But I'm basically paralyzed with numbness. I did however make an appointment for couples therapy. So I guess I will see how that goes. He seems up to it. And I just wanted to extend a thank you to all the people that took the time to read this and the last one.

Redditors were fully supportive of OP.

Goddessdepollo wrote:

Out of curiosity, did she know you guys were still together?

OP responded:

Yes he says he told her he was married.

ProfessionSanity wrote:

I'm so sorry!💔 I hate to add to your pain but you need to get a STD test now. If he was sleeping with a dr*g addict then he could pass something onto you. Please think seriously about seeing a divorce attorney to see about your options.

Schlemiel_Schlemazel wrote:

Ugh, the j*nkie AP knew he was married. The “welfare check” was her way of outing the affair so that she could “keep” him. Such a s#$tty thing to do.

temp7727 wrote:

Oh god, being in relationship limbo must be soooooooooo hard for him. How terrrrible. How could you do that to him? Get a grip. He already made the decision for you when HE CHEATED. He lied to you for months. He risked your health.

He put more effort into his girlfriend and her family than into you—his wife—and yours. Cops came to your home because his girlfriend was worried about him; how are you not fuming from the humiliation? How are you not so repulsed that you kicked him out when the cops came? Get mad ffs. Let the dr*g addict have him. You deserve better.

marblefree wrote:

This is obviously a horrible situation. Whether you divorce or not, I think you should separate physically as there is an implied obligation when living with someone. I am not sure about couples counseling but having an unbiased person to listen and support your decision would help you.

It’s so hard because your friends and family want what is best for you, but that pressure I’m sure feels overwhelming. Sending hugs.

Hopefully, OP is able to move on in the healthiest way possible, because this is a doozy for anyone to experience.