'I just found out my sister thinks my husband is her soulmate.' UPDATED 3X
"I just found out my sister thinks she and my husband are 'soulmates.'"
My sister’s bestie told me that she feels guilty for being a snitch but that she couldn’t do this to me anymore because she thinks that I am a kind person and I don’t deserve this.
My sister and my husband have always gotten along very well. They’re both brilliant. Both lecturers at the University and they have so much in common. I am not stupid, but I never loved school and I only have a high school education.
They have become best friends throughout the years (14 years), but never once did I feel uncomfortable about it since my husband has shown me nothing but love and respect. The opposite. Until now I counted myself lucky that the two people that I love the most in this world get along so well.
But now, I feel nauseated. The bestie sent me screenshots upon screenshots of her conversation with my sister. My sister has feelings for my husband and she appears to know that my husband feels the same way about her too.
In one of the texts, my sister wrote that she loved me too much to do anything to hurt me. In another she wrote that I am too dear to both her and my husband to do anything that would hurt me.
She seems to think that they’re soulmates which is odd because the talk about soulmates came up once between me and my husband when I told him that I didn’t want us to be soulmates. He was curious and ask me why, I told him because soulmates meant that we are “programmed” or “destined” to fit together.
There’s no free will involved and I want my love to come from a free space not a predestined place. He laughed and said he loved that. But apparently they’re soulmates? I know that I need to talk to him but I am dreading that. I am in so much despair right now.💔
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You need to have an honest conversation with your husband and if you have a hope of saving this relationship, he and you need to go low contact with your sister and you need couples therapy.
Best case your sister is suffering from limerence, worst case they are having an emotional or physical affair. Either way, inappropriate behaviour has been happening that has been deliberately hidden from you.
They say they don't want to hurt you. Behaving inappropriately hurts you. Lying about it and hiding it hurts you. They are already hurting you and they have not stopped it.
If what the friend sent you is true, you need to take a moment and gather your thoughts before this talk you need to have with your husband, if possible check his phone so you have first hand look at the communication not the friends one. If real the emotional affair is more than enough of a betrayal.
DentistBig7041 OP responded:
For me even an emotional affair is a deal breaker, unfortunately.
Edit from OP the same day after reading the comments:
Hi! Thanks for your help. I asked how I would be sure before asking my husband so he doesn’t just blatantly lie and you suggested to look into his phone. Thanks for your suggestion.
I did now. I told him about my sister’s conversations with her best friend and showed him the screenshots. He was shocked at first and said he had no romantic feelings for her and he had no idea about her feelings, so I asked to see his phone.
I read their texts and emails. And I was shocked that their contact is way more intense than I thought. They talk on a daily basis. They have lunch multiple times a week. Nothing s#$@al in the texts but yeah, he is stupid if he “doesn’t know” that she loves him, and he must think that I am stupid if after reading, I wouldn’t get the feeling that he has some feelings too.
In one of her texts, she wrote that she wished they had met first and under different circumstances. His answer wasn’t totally dismissive. He wrote yeah, it would probably have been different. When I asked him about it, he said well yeah, if he didn’t know and love me he would probably have been interested in another, my sister included. But he loves me and she is a close friend of his.
So there’s no s&^%$l relationship between them, but I am not sure that is enough for me. I think they are both wrong and should have nipped it in the bud way earlier. I don’t know what to do now. I think I need time for myself to process this. I don’t feel well at all about this and I don’t want to make decisions from a place of fear and hurt nor convenience.
I am sorry I can’t answer all private messages. Because I don’t use my phone that often. But our ages are: my husband is 45. I am 42. My sister is 38. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 14. My sister is single. I am not a stay at home mom. I have my own business. We don’t have children. My sister has 2 from a previous relationship.
Edit 2 from OP the next day:
So now I have had some long talks and discussions with my husband. He seems to think that this is getting bigger than it is supposed to because I told him that I needed time alone to think and digest this. He said that he doesn’t understand why I am this hurt since he loves me and nobody else.
I didn’t relent however and he admitted that he knows that my sister is in love with him because she has told him so. But she knows that nothing can happen between them so she is fine with just friendship (martyr). He loves he,r but not romantically and he is happy to have a friend like her.
Their friendship is important to him and he doesn’t want it to end because I don’t trust him and his love for me. He made a comparison to my best friend and asked what I would think if he asked me to cut my best friend from my life.
He admitted that “intellectually” he has more in common with her than with me but that the heart doesn’t always choose who we are more “compatible” and that he loves and is physically attracted to me. I think this whole situation is messed up.
I am repulsed by them both. I texted my sister all her screenshots and she wrote that she was disappointed in her bestie and that “your husband is all yours because I would never let anything happen that would hurt you because you are the most important person to me”
In other words they are both contradicting each other since both seem to believe that they are the one who is not letting a “relationship” between them grow for my sake.
Here's what people had to say after the edits:
Forget your hubs words for a second. He’s acting disgusting. His knowing sis loves him he’s keeping her on just a long enough leash. If they haven’t had a physical relationship (yet) they def have an emotional affair.
Don’t let him gaslight you. A real man who loves and respects his wife would’ve shut that ish down up front.
He is investing in her as m many people invest in their spouses. Multiple lunch dates, daily communication. This is not healthy nor best friend level. This is a full blown emotional affair and needs counseling to unpack.
Update from OP 5 weeks later:
I have written here and made a few comments about my soon to be ex husband and my sister. I left him about a week after and he texted me day and night about how much he loved me and wanted me back, then he just stopped. That’s when I found out that my sister left her children at my parents’ house and moved in with my husband.
This made everything come out to the rest of my family and my parents were shocked and my mother really looked like she was already showing ptsd symptoms. About how disgusting she felt this whole thing was.
I guess that is how much my sister “cared” not to hurt me (if you read my first post). Even though I have been well composed and calm that I surprised myself, I still tried my hardest to look back on my whole life, childhood and upbringing to understand when it all went so wrong.
What my sister did felt like something that was the result of years of resentment or at least indifference towards me and our relationship as sisters, so how did I miss that? She never cared about me did she? If she didn’t how could I have been so blind?
Then not even a week later, I heard that they have ended things. I found out in the oddest way possible. My sister texted me. The first time she texted me since everything started. She just wrote “You b , I hope you burn in life and in hell”.
I was very confused because she spent that week sharing cheesy “deep” quotes about love and soul mates and romantic insta stories with my stbxh. But apparently that was over. Stbxh has blocked her everywhere and she moved out. Because she came to my parents to get her children and had a meltdown when they asked for explanation.
Stbxh started calling and texting me again asking me to meet because he wanted to explain because he loved me and wanted me to understand. He wanted to meet at least once before we started to meet with the lawyers involved.
So that is that. This has left me even more confused than if they just ended up together. I understand falling out and in love. Breaking up and starting anew but I can’t explain this. My stbxh keeps calling me his only love and true friend and my sister, until I left kept promising that she would never do anything to hurt me.
She left her children at my parents’ doorstep and didn’t answer their calls or texts for a week. And all of this for a week? What were they thinking? Has anyone here heard of something like this happening? People throwing everything for not even a week?
Here's what people had to say after the last update:
He doesn't deserve you OP. How would your relationship come back from this with he didn't prioritize you and respect you? They most likely slept together during the week they spent together.
I hope you go NC with your sister. She sounds entitled and self centered. She knew she was crossing boundaries but didn't care. She abandoned her children! What kind of parent does that?
You are going to be the only that ends up ok after all this. Never forget, never forgive. If someone tries to bully into taking back either your sis or ex remind them that you get to match their energy. Family was obviously not important to them. You weren’t important to them. You get to let them experience the natural consequences of their actions. Some sins are too much to forgive.
DentistBig7041 from OP:
As much I am confused and want answers, I don’t want to get them from him. I don’t know how the divorce will be done and if I am going to need to see him or not, hopefully not but if it happens, my lawyer can do the talking.
That’s why I am here instead, maybe people here have experience of something similar and can explain wtf happened these past two months. Fortunately I will never hear his excuse and I have decided to not read any messages etc and when the divorce is final, I will change my number.