'When I talk about 'our house,' my husband always points out that it's 'his house.' UPDATED 3X

Small hurtful comments add up, and they can communicate a lot about how a partner views you.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman asked for advice on how to handle her husband's constant jabs about the house he bought. She wrote:

"When I [30 F] say "our bathroom" or "our house" etc, my husband [30 M] always has to point out that it's "his" house etc."

He'll stop me and say, "MY house" and when I get upset he goes "it's my house, but since I'm yours, you get to live in it" (or something similar). It makes me feel so sh#$ty when he does that. He sorta does it jokingly but it happens without fail almost every time, and I've tried to tell him it's hurtful and he just laughs and says he's kidding.

For context, we...sorry, HE...bought a house last year right before we got married. I was part of the entire process since we already lived together, but he put his savings into the down payment and it was his name on everything for obvious reasons.

I had recently spent the last of my savings to pay off student loans and was only doing freelance remote work so I wasn't really bringing in much money and was trying to focus on my mental health. He has a really good paying job and always said he was happy to support me.

I've even talked about getting a job in my field again if that would make him happy and he assured me I don't need to. Cool. But now it just feels like because his money is what buys mostly everything, that I'm some mooch just living off of him. Mind you, I'm pregnant with our first kid due very soon, this was all discussed extensively that I was to be a SAHM.

So why does he feel the need to hurt me like that? Does he secretly wish I was working and bringing home more money? Does he think I'm pathetic? It makes me feel like I'm a f#$king roommate who hasn't paid rent and he's doing me a favor.

And another thing that confuses me is if my parents/relatives ever want to give us anything (like a wedding or baby shower gift) he gets annoyed because he wants to be the one to buy that stuff for us and doesn't wanna rely on other people.

People had a lot of comments and questions.

Sheshcoco wrote:

He’s slowly eroding your value and worth. He wants to remind you that he holds all the power in this relationship. Now that you are pregnant you are more financially dependent on him and therefore are more vulnerable. My advice is to get your own money. Your husband is walking red flag.

GreenOnionCrusader wrote:

Find yourself a job and quit doing anything around HIS house. You're in a very precarious position right now and you have no financial fallback of your own. You need to fix that.

Unlucky_Speaker_439 wrote:

He’s doing it to remind you, that to him, it is in fact HIS house. You’ve told him it hurts you and he continues to do it. I would never advise anyone become a SAHM without a prenup and clause that entitled you to compensation for every year you give up being in the workforce.

If he divorces you or you get sick of bare minimum behavior in the future, do NOT be surprised when he says, You haven’t contributed anything to MY household and aren’t entitled to any when you leave. Regardless if you’ve been putting in the unpaid physical and mental labor to make his life easier or enable him to have a child.

He may not value it. He is clearly telling you every time that what he has, he is so generously bestowing on you. Which means he doesn’t consider you as true partners. Stay independent. Get a part time remote job and save every penny to put away for you and your future bc he won’t be looking out for you with that mindset.

OkeyDokey654 wrote:

He’s a jerk.

Ask him “If we were renting this house from a landlord, would I be allowed to say our bathroom, or would you insist we both call it our landlord’s bathroom?”

OP responded:

This made me laugh. I will seriously say this next time.

Soon after, OP jumped on with an update/edit clarifying some points:

To answer/address some common questions-

There was no pre-nup and no mention of wanting to keep assets split after marriage. We have a joint bank account and I also maintain my old accounts under just my name.

Some people suggested he just wants to feel appreciated -- I know that's not the case because 1. He explicitly hates being thanked. He says it makes him feel like he's doing it just for the praise and that makes him feel s#$%y. 2. I find ways of showing my appreciation by cooking, cleaning, managing everything in the home, taking care of him, etc.

I don't want to portray him as some controlling AH who doesn't let me do things. It's tough to paint an accurate picture since I don't want to give out my entire relationship story on Reddit. I have freedom to do whatever I want and he is supportive.

It's just little things like this that make me question his deeper feelings, even though any time it comes up he reassures me he is happy to support me and doesn't think I'm any less than he is. I want to be a SAHM - I don't want to put my child in daycare. He and I both feel that way.

The possibility of remote work is still there too if I feel I can balance both, but I think the deeper issue lies in our communication and that's on me too. After taking into consideration the comments and different perspectives here, I am going to address him tomorrow (today was bad because he worked late and was exhausted) and try to be as open about how I feel as I can. I'll update here when I do.

Thanks to everyone who felt the need to help. I do feel very validated in my concern at the very least.

The comments kept coming in after the edit/update.

Librashell wrote:

He bought the house before you got married because he knows it will be a pre-marital asset in his name alone and you won’t get half if you ever divorce. That he’s resentful that he can’t isolate you from your relatives enough so that you are entirely dependent on him is very telling. Ab*se often starts after the kid arrives because you’re stuck.

Right now, it’s emotional and perhaps financial. Regardless of your discussion to be a SAHM, you should keep some kind of job to ensure your independence because, I suspect, he’s backing you into a very dark corner. This is all doom and gloom, but, really, you’re married. This is not how marriages should operate. You should be a team that’s building a life together (ours) regardless of roles.

Ravenkelly wrote:

You're pregnant. He thinks you're trapped. The mask is slipping and it's only going to get worse. Do NOT be a stay at home mom because then you'll never have the money to leave.

fifitsa8 wrote:

As an attorney, I'd not be a SAHM with the behaviour he is already displaying. Keep your financial freedom as much as possible. Ideally, speak to him, seek therapy and a post-nup if you do become financially dependant/choose to be a SAHM.

Personally, I would have respectfully not gotten pregnant (had I wanted kids) if I saw this behaviour pre-pregnancy and if it presented itself during the pregnancy, I'd have a very sit down discussion with him and if his behaviour did not change, I'd separate and focus on co-parenting.

This is not how a "team" should act and in my humble opinion, is disrespectful to your contributions as a wife and future mother of his child.

This is also a bad example of co-parenting and what a marriage should like for your child. I'm also willing to bet he doesn't believe in sharing domestic and parental duties but wants his contributions to "count" and be seen as solely his because they're financial. I would not move back in with him unless there was a concrete post-nup in place.

Get yourself a good, creative attorney. I don't know where you live but check out options such a stake in the home you live in for every year of marriage or SAHM/working part time or less due to home obligations and/or a yearly pay out. Your partner has proven to be untrustworthy. You deserve better and your post shows me you know it deep down inside.

sf3p0x1 wrote:

His house is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. His bathroom is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. Here's what else he thinks, guaranteed: His wife is his property; he put in the work, he owns her. His child is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. He doesn't love you, you're an asset. Your child is an asset. You married a materialist.

Six days later, OP jumped on with an update.

Thanks to everyone who commented, I was honestly shocked that it got so much attention and that so many people felt compelled to help. I ended up talking to him a few nights ago, after I got all my thoughts down on paper and felt emotionally ready to talk about it.

I said, "When you point out that it's your house or that you paid for this and that, it makes me feel like I'm an unwanted guest in your house. I've told you how this makes me feel but you still do it, which makes me feel like this isn't 'just a joke' like you claim. I want to feel like an equal partner in our relationship, especially since we will be bringing our child into the world so soon.

When we were engaged, we were both so excited to go house hunting together and make it our home - for us and our future kids. You told me you were more than happy to continue working so that I could stay home to take care of the house and kids and dogs, but lately it feels like you resent me for it.

Now that I'm bringing our child into the world, I want to make sure there's no hostility or resentment between us. And I want to hear your side because currently, I just feel hurt and I'm worried this will keep building if I don't address it now. If me going back to work and contributing to the mortgage is what you want, despite what you said to me a year ago, then let's talk about it."

So I read that to him and he immediately said that he never meant anything by it and it was stupid and immature of him and that he'd work on it. He didn't realize it hurt me so much. After talking it through a little, he said he thinks it might stem from growing up poor and finally building a comfortable life for himself.

He agreed it probably has to also be an ego thing, and maybe stems from the fact that his dad couldn't take care of their family and his mom had to work 2-3 jobs. He said he wants me to feel like an equal partner and wants me to feel at home in our house. I also asked about putting my name on the deed and he said he would.

I do think he means what he says, but I also need him to prove it with his actions/words for me to truly feel comfortable. But we're moving in the right direction and I'm glad I was able to express that to him. Thanks again for all the advice.

TL:DR; talked to husband, he said he is sorry and will work on it. He doesn't resent me for not working and wants me to feel at home here. And will put my name on house deed. I am cautiously optimistic that things will improve.

The internet was honest with their takes on the update.

Rounders_in_knickers wrote:

Watch his actions, not his words. He needs to actually put you on the deed. You need to be fully a team.

OP responded:

I agree. Only time will tell if he means what he said.

Rounders_in_knickers responded:

Did you look into your rights locally? If you are married then you may own half the house anyway.

OP responded:

It's my understanding that in PA, since it's a premarital asset and I'm not directly contributing to the mortgage, it would be entirely his in a divorce if my name isn't on it.

CautiousHashtag wrote:

Maybe it’s me but his response is quite dismissive. I wouldn’t be shocked if no actions or improvements come from your conversation. I truly hope that I’m wrong but it just seemed like he is trying to hush you up for the time being. You did what you could, just make sure you hold him to his commitments.

OP responded:

He definitely knew I was upset about something for the few days leading up to it, so I think me sitting him down and expressing this to him just made him see it as a more serious topic than he assumed it was before. But like I said, I'm waiting on his actions to prove he means what he said.

warsisbetterthantrek wrote:

How long are you going to wait though? Like this needs to be fixed now. Not at some obscure point in the future.

OP responded:

Well getting my name on the deed is a start. He's a business trip this week but said we can figure it out when he's back.

Chesterlie wrote:

Well done OP. It’s hard to lay yourself honestly out like that and show your vulnerabilities but it’s what makes strong relationships. It builds intimacy and trust and a feeling you’re on the same team. And well done to your husband for listening and really hearing what you said and being honest in return. When he follows through on his promises you two will only be stronger for this.

OP responded:

Thank you. I really really hope he follows through. I believe in him, but I'm also looking out for myself and my baby.

DrTwilightZone wrote:

OP I hope you have a sole bank account just for you to go along with the joint account you have. You never know what can happen in the future; having access to a bank account that is in your name only is vital in all types of emergencies.

OP responded:

Yes I do have one!

Three days later, OP jumped on with another update.

I'm shaking and crying as I write this. I now understand all the red flag comments on my last posts. I didn't see it. I trusted him!! I'm so f#$king stupid. Here's what happened: he went on a work trip this week and promised we would sort the house deed stuff when he comes back. His apology sounded genuine and I believed him as much as I could without the proof yet.

Today I just had a weird feeling in my body, his texts about work have been really update-y, like constantly telling me what he's doing or where he's going. I didn't think anything of it until earlier, when he said he was taking a nap and wouldn't be on his phone for a few hours. This is weird because the man despises naps, they f#$k up his sleep and he feels like s&*t after.

So I checked his Google play account from our home PC, his Google account is always logged in. He probably doesn't know I know this but I can see what apps he has or recently had installed on his phone. Why this is important: when we were dating, he had a severe s*xting addiction.

We broke up because of it, I had suspicions and caught him. But we ended up getting back together after he swore up and down it had stopped and even gave me permission to look at his phone whenever I wanted. I eventually stopped checking because I trusted him. A few years have passed and we're obviously now married with a baby on the way, and I've trusted him.

Our intimacy has basically died since I got pregnant but I blamed that more on myself than him because I just don't feel in the mood or s*xy. He never tried anything, so I didn't have to reject him. It was just like he felt it too I guess. I thought that was normal. So anyways I looked at his account and saw that he had all the apps he used to use for sexting installed and recently used on his phone.

Snapchat, telegram, Whatsapp, Instagram, Tumblr. But the worst one, the one that broke my heart seeing, is that he has Tinder installed. Does that mean his work trips he's actually f#$king people? He's had a LOT of work trips the past two months since he won't be able to travel for a while when baby arrives.

I'm devastated and angry and I feel so stupid that I was making excuses for him and trying to paint him in a better light when EVERYONE WAS TELLING ME TO RUN Now idk what to do. I want to call him and tell him I know, but the only evidence I had is screen shots from the Google play website showing they were installed and recently used.

I want to get real evidence because I know he'll uninstall everything before he's back. Part of me wants to just leave and go to my parents house 4 hours away with the pictures printed out for him to find when he gets back. But I don't think that will solve anything. Help :/

Redditors had OP's back all the way.

woman_thorned wrote:

Now is the time to have a big screaming cry in the shower.

Because you will say nothing to him.

You will not tip your hand.

You call your mom or friend or sister and you scream and cry and then lady you start making plans. Quietly, safely, you get all your documents in a row. You go buy a burner f**king phone today. You start screencapping and documenting everything you will need later. And you will not say one word to that selfish sack of sh*t life-ruiner.

Disastrous-Panda5530 wrote:

Where do your parents live? Are they in another state? If they are I would go there before the baby arrives. Because once the baby is born you won’t be able to just pack up and move to another state. You need to consult with a lawyer.

Even if you aren’t on the deed since you are married you may be entitled to it anyways. A lawyer will be able to advise you on the best way to proceed but as almost everyone has has mentioned, do not let him know you know.

OP responded:

They are in another state. I hadn't thought of that.

riobhcas wrote:

So this is obviously me giving cold advice in the wake of your emotional devastation. I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this. — Would it be too bad for your mental health to ‘stick it out’ for a few weeks until your name gets put on the deed? You deserve security after the end of the relationship. Maybe wrong thing to say, but at least it’s something you can think over.

OP responded:

That's kind of what I'm trying to figure out for myself. I am generally non-confrontational and can probably just play the sick card for a while and just avoid him whenever possible.

riobhcas responded:

Well, if you decide to go that route, and you find that it’s too hard, you can always change your mind. Would it be suspicious if you visited your parents for a weekend? Get time away and maybe get their advice.

OP responded:

Slightly suspicious I'd say, only because I'm 7 months pregnant and he knows I hate driving right now. Especially 4 hours.

In a separate comment, OP shared another bit of information:

He has three devices under his Google play store account - phone, tablet, and Chromebook. Most of the apps had been last used on Sunday on his tablet, the day before he left (tablet is here, confirmed it's uninstalled now).

Some of them are also showing last used recently on his Chromebook. So it's definitely no accidental download. Especially considering it's like 6 or 7 apps that he has only ever used to hide sexting from me (he doesn't do social media otherwise).

Hopefully, OP is able to leave him ASAP, before anything escalates.