"I think my wife of 12 years is a lesbian."

I (37m) and my wife (36f) have been together for 20 years, and married for 12. We are highschool sweethearts who fell in love, and always knew we wanted something more. When I met my wife, she told me she was bisexual, and it never bothered me. I am a straight male, but have LGBTQ+ siblings and it has never been abnormal to me.

We got married in our twenties, after we graduated college and could afford to live comfortably and have a lavish wedding. Our romantic life has always been good, and I never complained about it, as even after 20 years, my wife is still as beautiful as she was when I met her. 3 years ago, my wife suggested having a three-way with a random woman, as she knows that I am into that kind of thing.

I never brought it up in the past, as I didn't want her to think I wanted to bring someone else into our marriage. I was immediately on board with this idea, and we looked on a dating/hookup site to find a woman who would like to join us. The first threesome we had was amazing, and soon it became a normal thing we would do, maybe once or twice a month.

Now, on to the problem at hand. Recently, my wife has been asking for way more threesomes, and even suggested having two women over, which I declined. To put things into perspective, last year, the most hookups we had in a month was 4. This year though?

There was a month where we did it 7 times, with 4 different women. We are barely having one on one intimacy anymore, and when we do, it feels like she isn't even into it, and almost as if she was doing me a favor.

2 nights ago, me and my wife hooked up with another woman. I didn't think much of it at the time, and was going about our normal routine of preparing our house for company. When the woman of the hour arrived, me and my wife greeted her, and took her to our room.

When we got started, everything was going well. Although, without giving too much detail, I noticed my wife was paying extra attention to the woman this time, rather than being even like she normally does. She was kissing her A LOT, and even told me to get out the way at one point so she could have her all to herself. I was a little offended, but, I didn't think much of it.

After all was said and done, the three of us fell asleep. We normally let our third parties stay the night, as we like to be nice and have good manners. When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in bed.

I thought I slept in, but it was 9am on a saturday, and we stayed up well past 3am. I went to the kitchen to make some coffee and look for my wife, when I saw her and the woman hooking up on the couch in the living room. I was beyond shocked, and when my wife asked me to join, I just went back to our bedroom.

She has never done this before, at least that I know of, and it broke my heart to see this happen, especially while I was asleep. When the woman left, my wife came to me with a little bit of an attitude, saying that I "made it awkward" and put tension between her and the woman.

I was appalled that she didn't try to apologize or make up some lame excuse, and I ended up just going back to bed, as I didn't feel like arguing at that point. I love my wife so much, and can't see my life without her. Its been 3 days and recently she has been staying out late and is barely talking to me.

I have a feeling that she's cheating on me, but I can't bring myself to confront her as I dont have any proof and honestly still love her. I don't know what to do. Please help.

TLDR; Me and my wife have been having threesomes for 3 years, but recently, she has started to disregard my needs in bed, and slept with one of the women we invited into our house while I was asleep. She is bisexual, but because of her attention to women more than me, I am suspecting she is a lesbian.

EDIT: I have many comments talking about boundaries, and I just want to come out and say that boundaries were placed when we first started doing it, and I apologize for not including it in the original post.

We both agreed on doing this as long as we are both okay with it and consenting. We also agreed to only sleep with others while we are both present. We do NOT have an open relationship and do not have other partners. This has never been an issue until recently, and all the comments are making me realize that I may not have been strict enough with enforcing our rules and boundaries.

ALSO, we ONLY invite women. I am straight, and neither of us have suggested inviting another male to bed, even if me and him were not intimate at all. This is also another factor on why I think she is either a lesbian, or just has a very heavy preference towards women.

I am more on the feminine side. I'm 6'1, muscular, but shave, and do not have any facial hair whatsoever. My voice isn't that deep, and I tend to lean towards a more feminine style (open shirts, tighter pants, dress shoes, etc..). I am planning on updating in a day or two, as I plan on having a stern heart to heart talk with her very soon.

What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

Weak-Bookkeeper3251 said:

Would she be okay if she walked out of the bedroom to you with the other woman without her? Probably not. Sorry you’re going through this, man.

the_girl_Ross said:

"We also agreed to only sleep with others while we are both present." So she cheated on you and then accused you of "making things awkward" no apology, no nothing.

Natural_Commission15 said:

This is the challenge with bringing other parties into your bed. I’m not saying she’s a lesbian. She’s clearly bi and very much enjoying her new hobby. You really need to have a conversation with her. I am not Poly but have have several close poly/non-monogamy friends the key is communicating.

First it doesn’t sound like you set up ground rules or if you did certainly not enough. But also keep in mind she’s been with you for 20 years, it’s new. It does sound like it’s out of control so maybe make that rule 2. Only a certain number of times a month. But talk to her, see wear her head is at. Good luck.

notgregbutmaybe said:

She already cheated on you. You know the answer to the questions you’re asking. Sorry you’re going through this, man.

And Specialist-Image-281 said:

Just because you agreed to having threesomes doesn’t mean that you agreed to her sleeping with whomever she wants without you. At minimum she crossed a boundary, but this situation 100% sounds like cheating to me. Sorry.

He has since shared this update:

Hey everyone, first off I just want to say thank you so much for all the comments and support on my original post. It got way more attention than I originally thought and now I feel like I'm obligated to make an update.

First of all, my wife has always been supported by her family. They never judged her and welcomed her with open arms when she came out. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend (she had a girlfriend before me). My wife sometimes stays out late with friends of hers and also sometimes comes home extremely drunk.

Though, she has never had any marks or smells on her body. Even these last few days, she would come home late smelling like light alcohol, and nothing more.

Finally, we do not bring different women over to our house everytime we want a third party. We keep in contact with most women and some we even become good friends with. The woman who came over that night was someone we had been in contact with for over a year, and someone my wife likes a lot, as they often go out together alone.

Today, I woke up with one thing on my mind: to talk with my wife. I read many comments and got extremely sweet DM's that helped me make my mental script. Although what caught me off guard was how normal she was acting. Last night, she didn't stay out too late and actually came home on time, when I was still awake. We slept in the same bed that night and after work today I sat her down to question her.

Outside of our intimate life, me and my wife have never had any problems, and our personalities are almost identical. So talking to her is and was never an issue for me. When I asked her today though, she stiffened, but didnt reject me. I started out by saying that I'm sorry for storming off that morning, but I didn't appreciate her sleeping with the woman of question without my consent first.

She just nodded in response. I then asked her how she would have felt if the roles were reversed, and if SHE was the one walking in on me sleeping with another woman. She responded by saying that she 'wouldn't mind', which I know is bull, but I didn't press on it, as I thought she was just trying to save herself.

I then asked her if she was still in love with me, which was something that kept me up for nights on end. She said yes, but hesitated. When I pushed on it, she said that she doesn't love me physically, but feels an emotional connection to me like nobody else, and is "in love with me". I didn't ask her directly if she was a lesbian, but that sort of confirms it for me and I honestly could've broken down right then and there.

Personally, I think physical intimacy is a huge part of relationships, and that it brings the two people closer. I know I am a hypocrite for saying this, as we literally invite others into our bed, but we always used to keep time for ourselves, one on one time with just the two of us to help us connect on another level.

So, I asked her the question of the hour people. I asked if she had been sleeping with other women, (beside that morning) behind my back. She didn't answer, and just looked away. At that point, I didn't even need a response, and just walked out the house. I texted her later on and asked what she wants to do. She didn't respond to me, but I think we both know that it's time for a divorce.

The comments left for me to read really helped me realize how much of a dream I was living in, and how I was delusional because of how in love I was with my wife. I'm in a crappy motel bed right now writing this bordering on tears. I have always been madly in love with my wife, and still am, but I feel as though if I decided to forgive and forget, the same thing would happen again.

All the comments trashing on open relationships were right, and I now know to never do it if I ever remarry. I just want to personally thank the person who went through a similar experience and wrote to me. That really gave me the confidence that I can move on and forget. I appreciate you and the vulnerability you showed to me.

I doubt there will be another update, and I'm sorry if this wasn't as groundbreaking as all originally thought. Thank you so much, and if anyone has questions, I will try to read and respond to as many comments as possible as long as I dont get a thousand plus this time around. ❤️