Man agrees to give less to his family because of pregnancy, then changes his mind. AITA?

Accountability isn't always a sweet pill to swallow. Especially for someone who never asked for it. But when you're married and navigating finances, accountability is an unavoidable reality.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for holding her husband accountable for a financial promise he made. She wrote:

"AITA for holding my husband accountable for what he suggested to do: cutting down on monthly allowance to parents?"

My husband has been giving a percentage of his pay each month to his parents ever since he started working - all in the name of filial piety. I am okay with this as it is his money and he can do whatever he wants.

Recently a few events have happened that had us questioning if the amount is too much.

Husband's family has a live-in helper. His parents are retired and healthy and are not in need of full-time help. This is also costly and requires more than what he gives his parents monthly.

We found out that younger sister has been bringing her whole family of four to parent's house frequently for free meals. Also brings back laundry from her whole family back to parent's house for a helper to do. Orders the helper over to her house weekly to clean her house and toilets. She contributed the same as my husband but wants to make use of the helper.

Younger brother brought his wife to stay after they got married a few months ago.

Oldest brother has not been holding a full-time for a long time. Has not contributed any bit to household but living in parent's basement rent-free.

Parents sees their friends going on retirement trip to UK. Wants to also do so but apparently they said they do not have enough to do so - their friends are those who can afford to splurge on their holidays (think five-star hotels etc). They want their kids to all chip in to fully pay for their dream of travelling with friends. This amounts to at least a thousand dollars additional.

Husband and I are staying at my house.

Recently we wanted to try for a child. Found out that we may need some help: may have to do an iui. The issue did not lie with me.

I raised to my husband that we may have to start saving up more as medical procedures do cost quite a bit. And he agreed. He even offered to cut down his monthly allowance to his family And between us, we'll both contribute slightly more to our shared fund. Two months have passed I found out that he has not contributed more to our shared fund. Asked him about the plans he said he would do it.

He got angry instead saying I was controlling how he wanted to spend his money. AITA for holding him accountable and insisting he do what he said he would do?

People had strong opinions about this one.

KyotoDreamsTea wrote:

NTA.

OP I know you don’t want to hear this but do you still want to pursue having a baby with this man? He’s putting you in the corner not his family. Consider this your future - being second.

yesnomaybesoju wrote:

NTA. It sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear just to end a discussion/argument but never intended to follow through. Please do not have kids with this man until you figure out the extended family portion. What if nothing ever changes? You and your child may always be secondary to his parents/siblings.

moew4974 wrote:

NTA. OP, it's a good thing that this came up before you're actively working on a pregnancy.

It's time to ask your husband the hard questions.

Is filial loyalty more important to him than the nuclear family the two of you are trying to build? Is he willing to stand strong in the face of his family's demands/expectations in order to support his nuclear family?

Does he believe that you (and your potential children) deserve his loyalty above that of his family? Why is he not acknowledging how his siblings are not doing their fair share in helping to support his parents? How does he feel about his siblings effectively leeching off the two of you due to the support he sends their way?

If his siblings do not change, is he willing to change his level of support?

OP, finances are often a huge hill in the destruction of marriages. As you potentially add children to this equation, it is possible that your finances will be strained even more.

Strained finances because of the money he provides to his parents/family could cause resentment because your income would be required to do more for your household than his would. You'd always feel like your household is struggling while theirs is thriving. Eventually, you would grow tired of this dynamic and potentially end the marriage.

I understand that this thing is deeply embedded culturally for your husband, so you need to decide if this is your hill to die on with regard to this marriage. Is it at all a redeemable situation with him and what is his mindset? If your husband never changes, can you see yourself getting the short end of the stick continually?

The bigger issue at hand is not so much the money he sends, as you knew about that and had no issue with it previously. The bigger issue is that he places more emphasis on doing for his family and keeping them happy than he does about keeping his word to you and lying by omission. Personally, this situation would be a deal breaker for me.

buttered-stairs wrote:

NTA but OP in most countries having a helper work at multiple residences is illegal. Even if it’s legal where you are it’s amoral to hire someone for one job, caring for a household of two, and then demand more from them. The helper is a live in employee and is therefore vulnerable, and your SIL is taking advantage of her. This to me seems like a bigger problem.

That your husband feels overburdened by his family is also something you need to sort before having a child. Because there are obligations for grandchildren as well and if your husband already doesn’t have boundaries you are going to be bearing the brunt of saying no all the time. Good luck but seriously you need to step in for this helper.

Background-Plan4274 wrote:

NTA. Don’t have kids with this man, you’re clearly not on the same page.

OP is NTA here, but there are some glaring red flags in her relationship.