'I found out that I wasn’t my husband’s first choice.' HUSBAND RESPONDS, UPDATED 2X
"I found out that I wasn’t my husband’s first choice."
My husband (29) and I (26) met online 3 years ago. We got married last may. We have had a great relationship and our wedding day was the happiest day in my life. My husband is so good to me and he makes me feel so loved and appreciated. And I love him so much. But everything changed last Monday.
I was on my SIL’s baby shower and when they didn’t know I was listening my MIL, SIL and SIL’s best friend were in the kitchen talking about my husband and I. The friend said that she liked me a lot and my SIL said she was happy he let (M) go and settled with me and that she never thought this would happen.
I pretended that I didn’t hear them but I knew (M) to be a close friend of my husband from college. He never mentioned that they were in a relationship. All I knew is that she moved to live in another city after graduation and that she couldn’t attend our wedding.
So since Monday I have been pondering. I am happy with him but I wanted to know why he never mentioned anything about (M) so today I did what any sensible wife would do and I waited for him to go to work and started snooping around on his iPad (he doesn’t know I know his code). I didn’t even need to look for long.
There it was. Tens maybe hundreds of texts between them over a period of years. Before he met me and even after. From what I understood he has asked her out many times and she has refused. Him telling her he would never love anyone like her and she “aw stop” ed him with a wink emoji that says “I won’t have you but please do keep trying”.
One of M’s texts right before we got married was about how she knew she would eventually end up with him. My husband texts back that he was getting married soon and that he was happy. she answered “you can always get a divorce” and my husband sent a “😂 😉”.
She then texted “if you chose between the two of us who would you chose” he answered “You only want me when I’m not available” she answered “shut up, I know you still love me”. he didn’t answer.
The last exchange between them was three weeks ago. She told him that she’s moving back home and that she missed him and wondered if they could meet. He said of course he wanted to meet. She asked him “wouldn’t your wife mind 😉”. He answered “why should she?”
She: “if she knew what I want to do to you she should be worried actually” He: “stop teasing it won’t work” She: “I’m not teasing, the poor woman won’t stand a chance” She: “I called you why didn’t you pick up” “ He:”” “We’re having dinner I will call you tomorrow”
So thats all I could find. I haven’t talked to him yet because I don’t know how to approach the subject. I think there’s definitely something between them. But I can’t ask him because he would know that I went through his texts.
I am very hurt I thought he loved me and that he was happy with me. I want to cry! I don’t know what my next step should be. One moment I want to pretend I had no Idea and wait for him to leave me the next I want to run away and never come back.
Commenters weighed in to offer advice:
xoxoforeverblessed said:
Def take screenshot and confront him. Do you know if he met up with this woman yet or if she moved back yet?
lil-privacy-please said:
Can’t ask? ASK. You going to wait for him to say he’s going to meet a “friend”? And just sit by
And feelgoodsometimes said:
Hey OP. I (27f) have been in your position. Trust me, they don’t change. And know what? When I finally got the courage to leave years later (after a lot of cheating/ manipulating on his part), I found the love of my life. I have never been happier. Point is, you don’t have to stay. You will find happiness. Save yourself the time and all the extra heartache . Good luck
The woman then shared this update on the situation:
Before I continue I need to say that I never expect to be my SO’s first love, and not even the last. I just expect to be the ONLY one as long as he’s chosen to be in my life and I don’t think thats too much to ask for. So please people with “he has lived before you” comments, don’t purposefully misinterpret what I’m saying.
As I said in my last post, I have been pondering all week and I just came to the conclusion that my(our) situation is either bad or worse. Bad, if my husband is innocent of cheating and is just liking the attention of the one that he once was tormented by. That would explain his aloofness and his very short replies. He wants her attention but nothing more.
Worse is that he’s having an emotional affair and is either scared of trusting her fully hence the vague texts or is just waiting for her to move back before making a move.
Either situation isn’t something I want to live with. Whatever anyone says about his texts I thought he showed little to no respect for me. And No love at all.
I want someone to love me even behind my back because it doesn’t matter how much he shows me he loves me, it’s what he doesn’t show that matters. And please don’t tell me they’re friends. We are grown ups. We don’t put friends over spouses and family. Its not “cool”.
So today I told him that I don’t think it’s working out for me and that I want a divorce. I thought about confrontation, but the outcome is the same so why not save the drama? I don’t care to know more details about them or maybe I care too much.
He was very shocked and asked me if there was someone else and I said no, I have been thinking and this is not where I want to be in my life RN. He wanted to know more, is it a question about having kids, is it our living situation? He was mad then sad then mad again and left. He texted that he wanted to talk more when he got home.
Maybe I will regret not confronting him and hearing his side of the story, but something broke inside me when I saw how he was in his texts. I don’t view him the same way now and all I can think of now is to get out of this with my dignity intact. I can mourn what we had and cry later. Tl;dr I broke it off with my husband without giving any details
Some more advice from commenters:
Dachshundmom5 said:
I think you should tell him "I saw the texts between you and
. I have thought about it since then and decided that no matter what your story is, I can't live with it. I need to be loved and respected. Not the second choice while you still flirt with your college love. So, this marriage is over."
Blade_982 said:
Tell him what you found. It's not about her winning. He should know his actions led to this outcome. He betrayed you and this is the consequence of his betrayal. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by not disclosing what you found.
And nightrager12345 said:
I would just confront him still so he can live with regret. If you don’t tell him the truth I’m afraid he’s going to just get with the friend and live guilt free because he feels as if YOU WANTED TO END IT.
Then she’ll feel as if she won. & she angers me more than you know but I would feel more satisfied having them KNOW karma is going to get them both. It bothers me when individuals have no conscious and do whatever they want without any consequences
And then, PLOT TWIST ALERT, the husband also posted about the situation, seemingly unaware of his wife's original post:
Tl;dr my wife told me that she regrets being married and wants a divorce after 6 months of marriage.
On Saturday my wife dropped the bomb on me that she wasn’t were she wanted to be in life and that she didn’t want to be married anymore. It came as a shock to me because it was out of the blue and very out of character for her.
I have noticed that she has been distant this last week. I tried to ask her what it was but she told me she was tired, I knew it was more since she barely looked at me the whole week and didn’t let me touch her or even hug her.
We have had som issues about her wanting to get a dog and me refusing because I have never had a pet before and don’t feel comfortable having one in for example our bed/couch etc. but it was never a big issue because she respected that I’m skeptical.
Another thing is having kids. We have planned to wait a few years and enjoy each other before starting a family but I know that she has been feeling pressured by her mother to have babies when she’s young and healthy. it wasn’t however nothing we had discussed alot since we both are on the same side.
So when she told me she wanted a divorce I didn’t know if she was serious or not. I love her and I know that she loves me. Besides the last week we were so happy and still on honeymoon mode. I asked her if I did something and she said no, if there’s someone else also no. The dog? The kids? No. She just wanted out.
I didn’t believe her, her eyes told me she’s hiding something and it’s killing me. I want her to be honest with me and know that she’s safe and can tell my whatever the reason is and I will understand and give her what she wants however hard it is for me to divorce the love of my life. But she has just shut down.
Yesterday I worked a night shift (I’m a doctor) and when I came home she was already packing her suitcase. I begged her to stay and told her I’d leave instead.
I even begged her to consider separating now and just give herself more time to think because whatever it is she can’t have been feeling it more than these last few days. She didn’t answer me so I packed some stuff and I am at my parents house now.
Last Monday my sister had her baby shower. I asked my mom if they upset her in anyway or if they tried to talk to her about starting a family but my mom swore they never did any of it. I called my sister and she also swore they never talked about it because they knew we have already decided to wait. But my guts tell me something happened in that shower.
Can someone just fall out of love this fast? She can’t even look at me and I have been wrecking my brains trying to remember where or when I messed up and made her so hurt and distant. It breaks me to see her so sad. I wish she can tell me but I have no idea how to proceed.
In the comments, he responded to commenters accusing him of having an affair:
I am not having any affairs ffs. I was going to talk to her about disrespecting my wife when we met. I didn’t think it was worth texting back and forth because I don’t care what she thinks about my wife.
I can see my answers look bad but I just didn’t want to confront her in text or over the phone. She’s a flirty type and craves attention. She’s always been like this. Hard for those who don’t know her.
I didn’t tell my wife she’s moving back because I didn’t know it mattered. They would’ve probably just met at the housewarming party
Regarding the flirty text he sent during his bachelor party, he wrote:
This was just a drunk mistake. I regret it to this day
Then, the woman responded to her husband's post:
I have read everything my husband written and it’s basically the same stuff he has been texting me since yesterday. He’s embarrassing actually 😔, to see him call my feelings “her crazy” and putting women in “leagues”. I can’t believe he still thinks this is fixable.
He wants us to start counseling because “we can’t break up over something this stupid”. He doesn’t want to cut M out because “it will only prove that he has feelings for her and must therefore block her to move on when it’s untrue” and that “he wasn’t going to meet her alone but be one of the people who will help her move”
Yes husband a doctor (M too) . it doesn’t mean he’s smart though because he isn’t. I am a chef. One of the things M (and probably many others) make sly remarks on!
No I haven’t spoken nor do I intend to speak to M. Neither to tell her off or to tell her he’s hers. I don’t want anything to do with her. My problem is with my dear husband.
I do think shes a pathetic miserable attention seeking home wrecking hoe but I will keep that to myself because my husband is the one who wronged me. If she and my husband end up together its only logical because he’s also a pathetic miserable attention seeking home wrecking hoe. A match made in heaven!
I am going to file for divorce and that’s that. I’m so sorry for everything that has happened and I am sorry it was over a stupid thing but I am thankful that it happened sooner rather than later. Thank you!
You're welcome!
In the comments of the wife's final post, Darrenizer said:
Update : husband deleted his account after getting absolutely roasted for refusing to take any small amount of responsibility