'AITA for making my husband pay for a mistake out of his 'allowance'?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for making my husband pay for a mistake out of his 'allowance'?"

My husband and I have an "allowance" system that prevents a lot of arguments about incidental spending. Both of our salaries go into a joint account for all bills, investments, and agreed-upon purchases.

The allowance is a smaller amount ($50-$100/week, but always equal for each of us) that gets moved to separate accounts for each of us, with the understanding that we can spend this money on whatever, no permission needed. Usually, it's spent on individual hobbies/splurges. This works well for us.

Today, I was looking through my husband's credit card bill that I had used recently (with his permission) to make some travel arrangements. We don't keep any secret bills. This credit card is auto-paid from our joint account. I saw a $73 charge to YouTube and asked him about it. He said he didn't remember buying anything, so I dug further.

Turns out he had subscribed to YouTube TV last December to watch a football game on a road trip and forgot about it. I had no idea because this was his YouTube account, his email notifications, his credit card. The total charges added up to about $675. I admit I was annoyed and made some short comments. "You should always set a reminder to cancel these things."

"If you were responsible about checking your emails, this might not have happened." There is a history of him being irresponsible with bills and missing important emails. I manage almost all the finances. We're in good shape, but I hate the idea of waste. We weren't even utilizing that expensive subscription, he paid that money to watch one thing ten months ago.

I told him that to be fair he'd have to pay the $675 out of his "fun money." He had more than enough in there because he was saving for a bigger hobby purchase. I cancelled the YT subscription on his phone, then used the banking app on my phone to move the money from his allowance account back to the joint account.

I probably should've asked him to move the money himself, but I was upset. I felt more calm after doing the $ transfer because to me the matter was then settled. He got irritated and said he shouldn't have to pay out of his allowance for a simple mistake. I said "Everyone has to pay for their mistakes. That's how life works." Maybe I was harsh. But the wasted money was all on him.

I don't see any better way to resolve it. He pointed out that we are doing fine financially, we are fortunate that $675 out of the joint account won't affect our budgeting for the month, but it will make a big difference to his savings for his hobbies as it is close to two month's "allowance."

It was the principle of the matter to me. I'm very careful with money. No matter how well we do financially, I'll always look for good deals and avoid profligate spending. So, AITA for moving my husband's fun/allowance money to pay for a mistake he made?

People did not hold back one bit.

Slytherin125 wrote:

Y'all are crazy NTA how did he not see a $675 charge even if it was a monthly $75 charge that's insane. he should definitely be paying that out of his fun money.

PhilMcGraw wrote:

Eh, s#$t happens. The allowance is "fun money", it's not the entirety of the money he brings in. The $73 was also never noticed when the credit card was auto-paid from their joint account, so it's not like OP is staring intently at their finances or stressing the $73 while having a go at the husband for missing it.

Personally, I think OP is TA, and it's a dangerous road "punishing" the husband for a small mistake that no-one noticed until almost a year later. Money is a big reason for couples to argue. Why add more stress for a silly mistake?

Obviously, I don't know their finances, but $50-$100 a week isn't much, and it sounds like he's saving up for something in particular. My wife and I have "play money" budgets, but for the bigger things where reasonable, we tend to haggle and take it out of joint savings to avoid having "no play money" for long periods of time.

It makes life a bit s#$t if you spend most of it working and don't feel free to treat yourself. Personally, I'd be really pissed off if I was the husband and feel like it's petty. It would probably make me question the "fun money" setup in general.

realresilient wrote:

If he only used it once ages ago he might be able to get a refund by reaching out to customer support. I assume you’ll be the one doing that for him. NTA because it seems like he’s habitually irresponsible with money and this is the proverbial straw.

pirrouette9 wrote:

Unfortunately, YTA (minorly). I'm like you in that I'm very careful about charges and reviewing my credit card bill, so he or you should definitely be doing that. He shouldn't have been so careless.

But, it was a mistake. Everyone paying for their mistakes may be how life works, but you're a team, and it doesn't affect your finances. Let's use the golden rule here - would you want your husband to punish you for a mistake like this?

0WattLightbulb wrote:

NTA. You could have handled it better, but I do not think it is unfair for it to come out of his account as it is his mistake, and this isn’t out of character.

My husband and I have a similar set up…I asked him if he thinks that’s fair and he said yeah, and that sometimes he needs me to sling shit in his face to wake him up and motivate him. He would be more careful after since it impacted his beloved saving for a TV and that helps it sink in more for him.

After receiving spirited feedback, OP jumped on with 2 updates.

I appreciate the responses, as reading the objective viewpoints helped me realize I behaved badly, more punitive than "fair." Marriage is a partnership, not a balance sheet, and honest mistakes happen. I reacted out of irritation about the money without thinking about the bigger picture. I called my husband and apologized.

He said he didn't blame me for being irritated, as he was irritated about the money too, but he appreciated the apology. He said we could talk later about moving the money back or not. Thanks again, and feel free to keep weighing in with comments- I feel like healthy debate is the best part of AITA.

UPDATE/2nd EDIT:

I was able to submit a refund request. Google/YouTube policy only allowed the refund of the past month. Still, $72.99 back is better than nothing. (And I know my husband should've been the one requesting the refund, but I asked him twice yesterday about it and he just shook his head like he was sure it was hopeless, so I did it myself today.

He later told me he was too embarrassed to ask for money back.) The majority of comments here, whether voting NTA or YTA, say I am treating him more like a child than a partner... I know this is even more of this behavior. I can't say much in defense except at least we got some money refunded.

Side note- it's hard to know what to do sometimes when a wife is in the wrong for either (A) being a "nag" for asking the husband to do something more than once, or (B) being "controlling/mom-like/a martyr" when she decides to just do a chore herself. I will do some more self-reflection on why my initial reaction was to act like such a "mom".

I told him we got $73 back, and he was glad to hear it, and thanked me. I apologized again for moving money unilaterally. That was a jerk move. (Though I don't think it was quite "fraud/crime" like some comments have said, as these accounts are all connected in the same bank where we are both authorized users; regardless I do see it was wrong of me.)

He said he'd like to move the $675 back to his fun money account. I said that was fine. Some might disagree, but I'm good with it now. I'm not upset anymore about the mistake- as many have pointed out, mistakes happen and I would not want to be sanctimoniously "punished" by a loved one if I made a costly mistake.

We'll just take the $675 loss as partners- which we are- and hopefully we both learned something. We still believe our overall financial system works- though I can understand why some of the comments disagree.

As for the comments saying he should divorce me for being a "financial ab^$er", "prison warden", "nitpicky nag," and our home is a "controlling hellhole" - don't you think that's a bit much to glean from one post? I know I'm posting this stuff online, but sheesh.

This was a single disagreement (I don't even think I'd even call it an "argument") that I shared on AITA because I thought we both had valid points and I thought I might have acted in the wrong. FWIW we've been happily married 10 years and have lots of plans/dreams we are looking forward to together for hopefully the next 50. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive comments.