Mom wants to give deceased daughter's college fund to charity, not stepdaughter. UPDATED
"AITA for donating my deceased daughters college fund instead of giving it to my husbands daughter?"
I have a 16 year old daughter that passed away in a car accident October 19th. I’ve been collecting a college fund for her since she was young, my ex husband and I both put money into it as well as she put some of her paychecks from work into it, and it’s about $25,000 full.
I recently got remarried to a man who has a 30 year old daughter. My stepdaughter doesn’t like me, because I’m only 3 years older than her. My husband is significantly older than I am.
My daughter was very passionate about the environment, and my ex husband and I discussed what we would do with the college fund. My husband says it was my daughter and I can do what I feel is right to honor her. We decided to divide it and we would each donate to charities we felt would make our daughter proud.
My stepdaughter however thinks we should split it evenly and she should get some cushion for buying a house, since I’m married to her father and that makes my contribution his money too. She thinks donating essentially $13,000 wouldn’t mean anything to a big charity and I could help someone I know in real life.
My husband has since joined her side and thinks $13,000 would help her buy a house and we can honor my daughter in another way. AITA for not wanting to change my plans?
Info from OP:
My ex husband and I (with a little bit from my daughter) were the sole people putting money into the fund. My current husband has not put any money into the fund from his personal finances.
My stepdaughter and my biological daughter did not have a relationship, as my stepdaughter is almost twice her age. I am 33, my husband is 58. We have a joint house account, as well as separate personal funds.
My stepdaughter has brought this up multiple times. It wasn’t just a suggestion. She constantly brings it up.
My stepdaughter is also not poor off financially. She can afford a house. She is single. Ny husband helped her pay off her debt before we got married. She just wants some cushion.
I am dividing the funds with my ex husband, not my husband now. My ex husband gets half to do with as he pleases to honor our daughter. My current husband gets nothing.
Comments from the original post:
[deleted] writes:
NTA. What a greedy young woman your stepdaughter is! That wouldn't be 'honoring your daughter', really, as it has nothing to do with her. Stick to your guns.
BettydelSol writes:
If he in any way entertains this idea in any way he’s TA. It’s not his money, it belongs to his late stepdaughter. Giving it to a daughter who mistreated her stepmother would be abhorrent
atloh writes:
I think it would be a GREAT idea if you made your portion into a scholarship honoring your daughter in a field of study that relates to her interest. You could do $1000 scholarship a year for 13 years.
Her memory can live on. Have some criteria like an essa for the applicants to write regarding loss or the field of study and why they’re going into it. You’ll be rewarded reading other stories as well
rkglsjfj OP responded:
That is actually a very good idea. I’ve been thinking about what I would want to do. I was thinking donating to Australia, but having a scholarship program would be a good idea and she would have loved that.
5DsOfDodgeball asks:
Did your current husband contribute to your daughter's college fund?
rkglsjfj OP responded:
No it was just my ex husband (my daughters father) and I. His argument is the money I have put in there since getting married is his since we are married.
Update from OP 4 months later:
I left my husband. He told me I couldn’t do what I wanted with the college fund. I took my name off the account so my ex husband was the only owner in the case that my (soon to be ex) husband tried to claim that money in our divorce.
My daughters father and I went for a trip to my daughters favorite town. We went to her favorite spot and spread her ashes. I’ve been staying with my sister, and looking for apartments to move into.
As far as the fund, we have discussed starting a scholarship, or paying a students tuition. We haven’t decided exactly what to do. That’s about it
Comments from the update:
I_Eat_Crayons_999 asks:
Op why did you divorce your previous husband? It seems that you guys have an excellent relationship.
rkglsjfj OP responded:
Honestly we had our daughter very young, got married at 18, and were just too immature to be in a marriage.
effsang writes:
I'm so sorry to hear that after losing your daughter so tragically, that your marriage has ended as well. But probably for the best if he was unable to support you on this
Jpmjpm writes:
OP had a daughter at 17 and managed to accomplish all that. Her (soon to be former) stepdaughter is only three years younger, no kids, and felt the need to strongarm a dead girl’s mother out of $13k so she could buy a house.
ROclimbingbabeCK writes:
OP did the right thing leaving that guy! What an AH. Her Donation is so generous. It would be awesome is she lifted someone out of debt.