Man accuses pregnant wife of 'baby trapping' him; she calls him 'a coward.' UPDATED
"My husband (M35) thinks I (F32) baby trapped him despite the baby being planned - please help!"
My husband (M35) and I (F32) have been married for seven years. He lived next door and we just clicked - it was like a fairytale. One thing I have always thought made our marriage so strong was our friendship with each other and our trust in one another, although now my husband seems to think otherwise.
Recently, my husband found out that his friend, 'Geoff' (M34), has been baby trapped. Basically, Geoff's wife (F32) stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant a few months into their relationship, and only came clean after the wedding.
Geoff came from a very conservative family, which his wife knew, and so he felt obligated to marry her after the pregnancy. Unfortunately, he also now feels obligated to stay regardless of the clearly messed up dynamic because he feels that he has made a vow and will stick by his wife and child.
My husband, for some reason, has been really rattled by this. I am currently four months pregnant with our first, and my husband asked me yesterday if I was trying to baby trap him. I first laughed because I honestly thought it was a joke.
He was dead serious and doubled down, so I told him that we have already been married for seven years and a baby was not going to 'trap him' any more than he already is. My husband did not like that answer and said that there was no time limit on baby trapping, and that my intentions were clearly not pure given how I was acting as if his concerns were a joke.
He said he had trusted me in the past, but me laughing in his face gave him no reason to trust me now. I did not really know what he wanted or how I was meant to respond, and I said we should talk about this in the morning.
Today I woke up and my husband was gone, but I did have a nasty text from his brother (M28) saying that I had forced my husband into this pregnancy - despite it having been a joint decision! My husband is MIA and not responding to calls or texts, and now I am wondering how on earth to go forward! Any advice is appreciated.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Weird take, but I think he’s getting cold feet on the pregnancy and this is way to save face.
SomeLateBloomer writes:
Same. This is his way to “get out” without him looking like a total a^%hat for abandoning a pregnant woman.
Kyuthu writes:
He can't really get out of it though. That's what makes it so bizarre. The only thing he can get out of is the marriage with divorce.
Nooneatall2122 writes:
Seriously. What kinda a**hole thinks that baby trapping. Having a baby planned is the total opposite of his friends situation and he needs to stop reflecting that s**t in you OP. Your not his friends wife your his wife. What a loser. Trying to run from being a father
Update from OP one day later:
I wanted to quickly update everyone who was kind enough to give me some advice.I have read every single comment and message. I am very grateful!
I realised while I was reading the comments that everyone was right - I wasn't angry enough. My husband had insulted me and our marriage in a very hurtful way, and it just didn't really register for a while. I was so confused and upset that it didn't occur to me to be angry, but I think everything just needed to sink in.
In the meantime, I called my best friend (F31) who has been such a rock in my life. She came over with some chocolate, and was furious when she heard.
She called her husband (M34) to the house after I had gotten everything out of my system. He is a family lawyer, and he said that he would happily represent me if I wanted to go through with a divorce. This man is a saint, and will draw up divorce papers on Monday.
My MIL (F66) showed up with my husband in the car not long after my best friend's husband arrived, and she practically dragged him to the door. My MIL said that he had showed up at theirs late last night saying that he was certain that I was using the baby to trap him. Fortunately my MIL is a smart woman and absolutely tore him a new one before dragging him to the house today to apologise.
My worm of a husband did not look me in the eye the entire time, but said that he was scared about becoming a dad and projected his fears onto me. He said he wasn't sure if he was ready for that kind of commitment, but he will step up (as if he is some kind of hero - eye roll).
I called him a coward and told him that he should stay with his parents until I am ready to talk to him. I didn't want to say anything about the divorce papers because I didn't know what his reaction would be, but he will find out soon enough.
I also showed my MIL the text from my BIL, and her face was like a storm cloud. I don't know what will happen there, but I am sure it will be bad.
For now, I am exhausted and just want to curl up and cry. My best friend has said she'll spend the night with me and we can watch silly movies. I have also made an appointment with a therapist for next week, but for now, I just need to rest. I am exhausted and devastated that my marriage has come crumbling down. Sorry for the sad ending, everyone!
Here's what people had to say after the update:
StylishMrTrix writes:
Props to your mil for telling off her son. If this does go to divorce, stay in contact with her if you can, having an ally in a grandparent is very helpful
West-Shape-3337 writes:
It's so refreshing to see a MIL standing up for the right thing instead for coddling and supporting her son when he's running away from his responsibilities and hurting his wife.
Zupergreen writes:
That was beautiful. I can easily imagine her fury when she found out why he ran away. He might be a grown man, at least on paper, but she still yelled at him like he was 5 using his full name and all, that's for sure.
Any_Ad6921 writes:
Once he sees those divorce papers there will be no doubt in his mind you definitely don't want to baby trap him
Update from OP 9 days later:
Thank you to everyone for all the messages and kind pieces of advice.
Overall, everything has settled a little bit. In good news, I had a scan with the doctor (my MIL attended with me), and the baby is happy and healthy. I finally found out the gender, I am having a little girl! I am over the moon. My MIL was a gem, and was so touched that I had included her in the scan. She is very excited to be a granny.
On that note, my MIL organised a family lunch a couple of days after the scan. I was a little reluctant, but I knew that she had good intentions and wouldn't do anything to make matters worse. When I arrived, my husband and BIL were there, along with my FIL (M70) and MIL. It was quite awkward until my MIL asked if anyone had anything to say.
My BIL spoke first and apologised for his awful text, saying that he was swept up in the moment and wanted to support his brother. I explained how hurtful it had been to receive such a nasty and vindictive message, and that he knew as well as anyone that my husband and I had been trying for almost a year.
He hung his head and mumbled something. That was pretty much the last I heard out of him for the afternoon.
Next, my MIL looked quite pointedly at my husband but he actively avoided anyone's eyes. Eventually she spoke up and announced that my husband would no longer be welcome to stay in their house.
She said that she was ashamed to have her son behave the way that he has, and that she would prefer to make space for her granddaughter rather than have 'some lowlife hanging around.' My husband had opened up his mouth to say something earlier, but his eyes lit up when she said granddaughter.
My husband had always wanted a girl and he was suddenly in tears saying that he was so pleased to hear the gender. My husband was suddenly wanting to touch my belly and asked if he could come home and paint the nursery. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not welcome and that he had destroyed any trust I had in him.
I told him that if I took him back, I would be worried that he would disappear at any kind of big news and that I couldn't have someone at my side who balked at the first chance. He asked me if I was telling him it was over, and I point blank told him that that I had engaged a lawyer.
My husband was kind of frantic but I felt so calm, like someone had put a blanket over me in the situation. Normally I am a big crier, but I felt so removed from everything. My husband said that this was not fair - he had shown a little bit of panic and suddenly I am throwing away our life and denying him his daughter.
My FIL reminded him that this is the same baby he felt trapped by no more than two weeks ago. My husband said it was a mistake and he was stressed, but my MIL asked him how he thought I felt.
She asked him to imagine being so vulnerable and giving up your body to grow a family, and suddenly the one person you trust is accusing you of terrible things. He said it was a mistake and he projected his fears onto me.
I told my husband that I felt so broken when he left because I had all these dreams of a beautiful family which came crashing down in an instant. My husband said that he wanted those things with me and he wanted our baby girl, but that he let the panic overwhelm him.
I told him that wasn't a good enough excuse for what he put me through, and that he certainly didn't seem panicked when his mom had to drag him to my door to apologise. He didn't have much of an answer other than to say that he was ready now and wanted our girl.
In all of this, in all the times he told me he wanted me and our baby, he never once apologised properly.
After a very, very long discussion, the lunch wrapped up and my MIL stood by what she had said about my husband not being welcome. He asked again if he could come home with me, and I told him that it was my house (I owned the house before we married), and it was going to be a safe space for me - that is to say, he is not welcome. As far as I know, he is staying at some hotel.
Finally, he was served divorce papers at work on Friday. My bestie's husband drafted them earlier, but I wanted to wait until I had thought it all through. I received a few missed calls and crying voice mails asking if I was really throwing away our family, but I did not respond.
He even took a crying selfie sitting in his car, which my bestie laughed at quite a bit. My MIL called me when she heard, and told me that I am making the right decision. She said she never wanted my marriage to end this way or for her son to be so callous, but she said she is here for my baby and I, and that we will always be family.
She even tried to apologise on my husband's behalf, but I told her that was not necessary. At the end of the day, his actions are his to own.
My best friend has been around all weekend and we went baby clothes shopping for a little bit of sunshine in all of this. She has been such a rock, and her husband has helped so much with the process. I don't know what will happen next, but I feel much calmer and like I am making the right decision.
I will update again if anything major or exciting happens, but for now, I just want to get through all of this and hopefully come out with a beautiful baby girl. Wish us luck!
Here's what people had to say after the second update:
hrhrhrhrt writes:
'He even took a crying selfie sitting in his car.' Wow buddy, you dug this hole... OP you really dodged a bullet, I am glad you are doing better and that you keep MIL.
Evening-Durian-698 writes:
I laughed so much reading he took a selfie crying. I can’t imagine how hilarious it would’ve been to see. Great job, mama. Your daughter has a great mother and grandmother.
Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634 writes:
Aw OP, as one pregnant mommy also expecting a little girl to another. You are so damn strong. And wonderful honestly. Also just wondering out of curiosity if he was gonna be so happy if he was having a little boy instead of the little girl he always wanted. Him and his brother are giant man-children. There is no excuse for that behavior.
For2n8Witchling writes:
Your husband is disgusting and I'm glad your MIL dragged had enough sense to see he's being a p.o.s! Kudos for filing for divorce! You don't want to be with someone who would treat you this way, after you both planned to have this baby! You're married and made a decision together and now he's trying to wriggle out of it. Gross! Worm indeed!