'AITA for being up front with my friend about how I was able to buy a house?' UPDATED
"AITA for being up front with my friend about how I was able to buy a house?"
I [26F] recently bought a house with help from my parents. On my own, I had saved up enough for a 30% down payment and was getting ready to look into buying a house with a mortgage (I’m starting a PhD program and will need stable housing for the next 5-7 years). When I told them this, my parents very generously offered to help me buy the house in cash.
My parents are very well off and I acknowledge that I’ve had a very privileged upbringing, but I still try to not draw attention to this so people won’t treat me differently, and I live pretty frugally. At first I denied the offer because I feel bad taking money from my parents. Up until now they’ve only paid for my car and my education (through a college fund).
They refused to let me refuse and said that they’d rather help me buy the house in cash than have me pay more than what it’s worth in interest. They also didn’t want me to have to worry about affording a mortgage payment on a PhD student’s income.
Instead, I will be paying my dad back in fixed monthly payments. The house that I decided on is a very modest size and price, and was even $100k under the budget my parents were willing to help me with.
Fast forward to last week, I finally closed and started moving in. I invited some of my close friends over for a housewarming get together.
When they got there, one of my friends [27F] asked me how I was able to afford such a “nice” house. I was upfront with her and told her that my parents very generously helped me with it. I didn’t go into detail.
She then started pressing me pretty hard for more information about my mortgage payments and interest rates, talking about how they’re ridiculously high and it was stupid of me to buy in this economy.
I’ll admit that I got annoyed at her continuing to press about this in front of everyone at what was supposed to be a fun, laid back event, so I told her that they helped me buy it in cash and that I’d rather not talk about it anymore.
She then goes off on me about how I’m the reason people like her can’t buy a house right now and that it was unfair of me to take the opportunity to get the house away from someone who “needed it more” by putting in a cash offer.
She even went on to insult my parents and my adoption and told me that the only reason I have this life is because my rich parents “bought” me from overseas.
That last comment was the breaking point for me and I kicked her out of the party. Half of my friends are on my side and the other half said I was too harsh on her and that I should’ve just lied. I’m starting to think I should’ve just lied too, but I also didn’t want to act like I bought the house all on my own, because I didn’t. So, am I the a**hole here?
Edit for clarity: I did tell her that I was paying my dad back but that went over her head. In hindsight I could’ve told her that I put down 30% of my own money, but in the heat of the moment I didn’t think of it and I don’t know if that would’ve helped much. She’s made off handed comments about stuff like my career and education before but never publicly or this extreme.
Edit 2: I just got off from working overnight and holy s^%$, I did not expect the amount of response I got on this. Thank you to everyone for the congratulations and well wishes in my doc program! For those asking, I’ll be studying biomedical engineering, more specifically tissue regeneration. It’s gonna be a journey but I’m very excited.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. You sound like a decent human being. And her comment about your adoption puts her solidly, squarely, and inescapably in total AH ground.
It's not OP's fault they won the adoption lottery, and landed rich parents willing to help their kids by offering a better home loan than the bank.
There's also a difference between OP's family wealth, and that of the millionaires and billionaires who refuse to pay taxes and hoard homes.
There’s also a difference between buying a house to live in, and venture capital firms buying tons of houses to rent to people. That’s who she should actually be mad at, not OP. NTA, and good luck on your phd program!!
NTA. End that friendship, and take note of everyone who took her side. Then treat them accordingly. Seriously: block her everywhere. You don't need that toxic negativity in your life.
Holy hell... NTA Whether you saved up or your parents helped you partially or fully is non of her business. It's your parents for christsake. If they have the means and don't help, then who will !?
I would ditch someone like that for 2 reasons:
1. She's jealous; her rant and last comment are just insane. No one talks like that (the adoption part) if they hadn't had thoughts like that for a while. One can be envious of the success of someone else (we are humans after all) but you get over it quickly and be happy for your friend.
2. She's a grown ass adult who seem not able to control her emotions when things don't go her way. God knows what she says behind your back.
Also OP please get some new friends. The one that sided with her are no better.
adoptee_throwaway890 OP responded:
I think you’re right about finding new friends... It’s just sad because she was one of my first friends from undergrad. I have severe social anxiety so it took a lot to build up the small circle (8 close friends) that I have, and I feel like I try so hard to not act like I come from any kind of money for this very reason.
Later OP came back with a small update:
I’ve decided I won’t be apologizing to her and I’ve cut contact with her and will likely cut contact with the other friends that sided with her.
This is very hard for me especially with lingering abandonment trauma (and anxiety, and trust issues… the whole works!) from my adoption, but that’s why I have a therapist. Thanks again for all of the feedback — definitely taking some of y’all’s advice for shutting down conversations in the future.