'AITA for pretending I don’t have money so my family won’t bother me?'
"AITA for pretending I don’t have money so my family won’t bother me?"
My wife(52F) and I(51M) recently partly retired with 4 million in savings (1 million of which is our home). I am systems engineer and my wife was an RN. I still work part-time/contract but less than 20h/week and my wife is fully retired. We are very frugal people and try to save where we can. I’ve also made it clear to my wife to never tell my family we have money and to pretend that we are dead broke.
Her family knows we do well but they never ask for money. My family won’t stop asking for money. My mom, dad, and brother are terrible with money. My dad and brother both work oil and gas which results in a few fat years of tons of money coming in followed up with layoffs. Not saying the layoffs are their fault but they never save anything so they run up credit cards to pay for everything.
My parents have borrowed against their house so many times they effectively haven’t paid anything towards the principal and they have had that house for 35 years. They should be retired by cant and my dad recently had to go back to work as a school bus driver because they have so much debt and no money. My brother inherited their spending issues and has his own alcohol struggles.
He’s currently going through his second divorce. I didn’t tell my son not to tell his grandparents we recently retired. And they found out from him recently and have been calling me livid because we pretended we were broke for years. But clearly, if we can retire we have savings. I didn’t tell them because I know the results are they would just ask for money constantly.
They have on several occasions when we went on vacation and they found out via Facebook (we have since learned not to post). And came knocking for money. We lied and told them we won some money but had spent it all on the vacation. Am I obligated to help them? I don’t feel so because both my parents and brother made lots over their career but my dad is in his 70s and still working.
I’m sure they are contacting me to ask for money but AITA if I continue to pretend I have none (not sure how I’m going to that now that they know we are semi-retired).
The comment section was soon filled with lively discussion.
nubianxess wrote:
NTA but grow a pair. You're having your wife cut your hair so your family thinks you don't have money? Tell your family you worked hard for your money and you'll choose how it's spent.
I also hope your wife is actually as frugal as you are and wasn't trapped in this bizarre game you're playing. She deserves to be able to enjoy the fruits of her labor instead of hiding her financial status from her in-laws.
OP responded:
I don’t have my wife cut my hair so they don’t know I make money. I just have a basic cut and my wife has been cutting my hair for nearly 30 years.
gcot802 wrote:
NTA. Look, I am all for helping family. I have helped my sisters in the past because 1) their financial conditions were no fault of their own 2) they never asked, I offered and 3) they made it up how they could. One paid me back, and the other helped me with something she’s skilled at. Your parents have pissed away their money and so has your brother.
The money you would give them would do nothing to actually improve their situation because they would piss it away again. You don’t owe them s#$t. Their poor decision-making does not mean you should not get to have this really wonderful early retirement with your wife, which you earned.
2_old_for_this_spit wrote:
NTA. 'Mom, Dad, Skippy, we planned very carefully for retirement. Between Social Security and our pensions, we have enough to get by if we're careful. We don't have anything extra. We need to be frugal so we can avoid burdening our son as we age.'
Wonderful_Quiet5818 wrote:
First off, congratulations and massive kudos to you on being able to retire so early!! You are living my dream. Secondly, NTA. There's nothing more nerve-wracking than greedy relatives asking to borrow money. They did this to themselves, you shouldn't be responsible for their stupid decisions.
LocalTreat8785 wrote:
NTA. I would just make up a better lie to shut them down. Why not turn the tables and just say you're up to your necks in credit card debt and that's how you're paying for everything. And then ask to borrow money from them, with the request timed for when you know they just got paid.
And do talk to your son about privacy and not sharing what is internal family business with your relatives.