Bride finally shuts down overbearing MIL after she completely takes over wedding. + Update
"It feels like my JustNoMIL ruined my wedding"
Disastrous_Peace_748
I usually lurk in the shadows and take comfort in knowing there are others with terrible MILs. I just feel like I can’t get over this feeling and I don’t know what do to moving forward.
Background: My husband (32M) and I (28F) got married about 2 months ago. We had a destination wedding in another state with only our close family/friends. It was a 3 day affair, we provided all the accommodations for our guests.
Guests arrived on Sunday afternoon, wedding was Tuesday evening and everyone left Wednesday Morning. Most people drove to our wedding (being about 14hr drive from home) but some family members flew, MIL being one of them.
Most of the ones that flew in got a car rental since they would be there for a few days but MIL decided that Husband and I will be at her beck and call on our wedding days.
Honestly, MIL was not a big problem the days leading up to the wedding. MIL’s cousin pretty much stepped up and helped keep MIL from bothering us every 10 minutes. However, the incident I am struggling with happened in the bridal studio.
Why was my MIL in the bridal studio you may ask? Not because I wanted her there for sure. My MIL is incapable of doing anything for herself, so she demanded to use my hair and makeup vendors. I first told her my vendors would not be able to do it, because I did not want her in the bridal studio (almost as if I knew it would just cause tension).
However, MIL being a drama queen, she said she NEEDS her makeup done professionally and she found a vendor in town, but Husband would need to drive her there. Keep in mind, MIL is not part of the wedding in any capacity, she is nothing more than a guest.
She did not walk during the ceremony. MIL finding a vendor in town meant she is going to force my soon to be husband to drive her 30 minutes into town on the day of his wedding just so she can have her makeup done.
Of course, to spare husband the mission of taking his mom into town I told her she could get her hair/makeup done with my vendors. My plan was to have MIL have her makeup done first, then she can leave to continue getting herself and her mom ready. (GMIL has terrible dementia and MIL is the primary caregiver).
The day of the wedding comes, MIL is the first person in the bridal studio, vendors start working on her makeup, okay cool. After MIL was done, she lingered in the room. I hinted at her to go put on her dress and get her mom ready in the meantime.
MIL decided last minute to add GMIL’s makeup with my vendors (this was done after the bridal and wedding party makeup but of course was an additional cost but MIL paid). MIL comes back after me and the wedding party had their makeup/hair completed. As MIL comes back, my photographer also arrives.
MIL then starts harassing my photographer to take pictures of her and GMIL when the photographer should be taking pictures of me and my bridesmaid getting ready for the wedding. I told MIL politely, that the photographer has a strict schedule that she has to follow and that there will be family photos.
MIL said okay but less than 5 minutes later she is speaking to my photographer yet again about having her take extra pictures of her and GMIL. I again addressed MIL and told her that photographer has a schedule and she needs to stop demanding her own pictures.
MIL then tries to tell me that her photos wont interfere with mine because they will be taken at the end (meaning she wanted my photographer to stay an additional hour, which of course means another few hundred dollars).
Instead of explaining to MIL why this was not okay, I just told her No five times in a row like you would to a child. As soon as she began to speak, I interjected and just said “No, No, No, No, No, No and No” until she stopped talking.
Then she began gaslighting me about how her mother won’t be here much longer and she just wanted family photos. I told her that you know family photos are already part of the schedule.
It was on the verge of becoming a screaming match until husband’s cousin (unrelated to MIL) got involved and told her that she will get photos and told me to calm down because its not fair to me on my wedding day.
After, MIL stayed for another 5 minutes, pouting but seeing no one cared about her, she left and called husband. She called husband to complain about me RIGHT BEFORE I was going to go meet him for our first look.
I found out about the phone call after the wedding. After MIL left the bridal studio, I have not spoken to her once. She avoided me for the entire reception. I feel like what should have been the happiest day of my life was tainted before it began.
After the wedding, husband told MIL that she was wrong for what she did, especially since he told MIL the day before the wedding to not bother the photographer because they have a schedule.
Which angers me even more because she was already told to leave the vendors alone and she still continued because she is entitled and can do whatever she wants. I wonder if some of you are thinking, well maybe she helped pay for the wedding. Nope, she did not spend a single cent towards our wedding.
Anyway, Husband told her she needs to apologize and she refused saying she did nothing wrong and she should be receiving an apology for the way I spoke to her. She also told him good luck in his marriage if that is the way I am. Husband told MIL that she was wrong and Went LC for a few days.
During a couples counseling session, Husband said that MIL wanted to have breakfast with us and is ready to apologize but he told MIL not to contact me. I haven’t heard from MIL once since the wedding.
I dont want to have a relationship with her but I don’t think that’s fair to my husband or our future kids. I don’t know what to do or how to move forward but I am still angry that my wedding was tainted.
Edit: changed DH to Husband because I thought DH meant Dear Husband and not Damn Husband. I don’t think Husband is the problem here but maybe I’m wrong.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
DramaGirl6155
It sounds like your dear husband has your back and understands exactly who his mom is. In terms of whether or not she has a relationship with your family and what that relationship looks like, here are some questions you and your husband can ask between yourselves to plan your next moves.
As her behavior stands do you trust her in any capacity? Could you trust her not to make milestones/events for your family about her? If she had a relationship with your children can you see her being a positive presence in their lives?
The OP responded here:
Disastrous_Peace_748
Super helpful thank you! I will definitely be answering these questions with my husband. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who understands and sees exactly who is mom Is.
thethingis82
Just compare these two situations… MIL not listening to instructions with photographer vs. MIL not listening to safe sleeping rules for baby. Of course safe sleeping for a baby sounds way worse. And people make excuses ….well her mom won’t be here forever…
But here’s the thing… you’re right to be concerned. If she can’t listen to small instructions; why would she listen to big instructions. She’s broken trust. You shouldn’t have had to deal with this at your wedding. You shouldn’t be having to think how can I have this woman as an extended family member. And it’s overwhelming.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean wiping a clean slate. It means you are going to let go of the anger and they’re warned that nothing like this better ever happen again.
If it were me, I’d listen to her what apology she gives …” I’m sorry but….” Stare her dead in the face and tell her…”I forgive you this once but I have no trust in you. That has to be earned. You ruined my wedding.
I’m not going to wait around to see what other big moments you are going to ruin. There will be strict rules going forward interacting with me and any children I may have with MY husband. You will follow them and understand NO means NO. Or we cannot have a relationship. I won’t be forgiving a second time.”
The OP again responded:
Disastrous_Peace_748
Yes! This was my biggest concern! My husband and I wants children soon and this is my main point. She will completely disregard any instructions regarding our children if she feels she knows best. When I addressed this with our therapist though, she told me to not create a future problem because I am not pregnant nor do we have any children.
I felt like I like I was overreacting. Thank you for the dialogue because honestly I need it. Im open to her being involved in my future children’s lives but I want it to be clear I will not condone this behavior.
Sukayro
She's shown you who she is. Believe her.
Four months later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: It feels like my JustNoMIL ruined my wedding"
Disastrous_Peace_748
Hey everyone,
I have been wanting to post an update for awhile but I finally just got the time to sit down and write it out.
Background: I posted a few months ago about my JNMIL throwing a tantrum in my bridal studio over the photographer. JNMIL proceeded to call DH literal minutes before our first look to complain about it. It soured the whole experience for me and the entire reception was filled with tension. All in all, I did not enjoy my wedding day due to the drama.
Anyway, it has been over 6 months since the wedding. During the wedding, DH and I discussed what happened in the dressing room. DH also spoke to his cousin, BW, (Best Woman at the wedding, she was in bridal studio during the interaction, no relation to JNMIL, this is a cousin from his father's side of the family).
After hearing my perspective, his moms, and getting his cousin's POV, DH acknowledges his mother was definitely in the wrong. I told DH I wanted an apology. JNMIL refused stating she did nothing wrong.
DH and JNMIL went a few days low contact due to the situation, JNMIL admitted she was in the wrong and she would apologize but DH told her not to speak to me for the time.
On to the Update: Around early or mid November, MIL called me out of the blue. I missed the call and returned her phone call when DH and I were cleaning together (important later). I called back because I honestly believed she is finally calling to apologize because holidays are coming up and she doesn't want to be excluded. HA! Was I wrong!
Paraphrasing but the conversation basically went like this:
JNMIL: Hey, I am really worried about DH's car. It sounds awful, I had to drive it for a few minutes on Tuesday and I was really worried for my safety.
Me: Okay.
JNMIL: I don't know if you have been in it lately, but it sounds bad, have you been in his car?
Me: Yup.
JNMIL: Are you guys planning on getting a new car or at least fix this car up?
Me: Don't know, you have to speak to DH.
JNMIL: Do you guys have money to fix the car or maybe to buy a new car, he really needs one.
Me: Speak to DH. I have told him about his car for months. I told him lets shop around. He is dragging his feet, you need to speak to him.
JNMIL: When I spoke to him about it, he got really anger at me.
(I don't know why he was mad but if I had to assume, probably because she was nagging at him).
Me: Sorry to hear that, I have already talked to him about it for months. Can't do anything more, you need to speak to him.
Husband (who chimes in after overhearing most of the conversation): Jesus mom! How many times does someone need to say the same thing until you get the point??
JNMIL (caught off guard): ...I did not know he was in the room listening
Side note: Usually when DH does not agree with her, she likes to call me and ask me to "talk" to him. Really, she wants me to manipulate him into seeing things her way, she says its because "I know how to talk to him and he listens to me."
Sometimes, she will even tell me to not to tell DH about our conversations. I always tell DH because well he is my husband. It is us against everyone, and I will never conspire against him, regardless of who is asking).
Me: I am not in the room with him, you're on speaker as I am cleaning the house so we are both moving around.
JNMIL (changing the subject): You haven't visited in awhile! You should see what I did with the living room. You have to come over soon.
Me (realizing she really only called me to talk about the car and there was no apology coming): Actually JNMIL, I have not been over because I am still expecting an apology from you.
JNMIL: An apology? For what? The wedding?
Me: Yes, I am upset about what happened at the wedding in the bridal studio.
JNMIL: You're upset that I asked for 3 more photos at the wedding? It was not that big of a deal, my mother is dying, I don't know how much longer she will be here.
Me: It was not 3 more photos, you were trying to add on an additional hour. You kept harassing our photographer after I asked you to stop, and DH told you the day before not to do it.
JNMIL: My mother is dying and my son is getting married and I want to make sure there are pictures. I did nothing wrong asking for pictures.
Me: I understand your situation with grandmother but there were photos scheduled, you knew about it, but what hurt me the most is that after not getting your way, you went to call DH literal minutes before our first look. You tainted the wedding before it began.
JNMIL: He is my son, I can call him whenever I want
Me: I understand but you hurt me, and I honestly felt the wedding was ruined before it began.
JNMIL: I am not apologizing for anything. I did nothing wrong.
Me: That's fine, you are entitled to your feelings, just like I am entitled to my feelings. You are DH's mother so I will respect you but since you are unwilling to apologize, I have nothing more to say to you.
JNMIL: you HAVE to respect me. I am DH's mother.
Me: No respect is earned not given and you haven't given me any.
JNMIL trying to talk over me, saying how I don't respect her and she is my elder.
Me: Look, I am very upset and will be hanging up since this conversation is not going anywhere. Bye.
And I hung up on JNMIL as she is midsentence about respect. She called me back twice immediately but I didn't answer. Since DH heard the entire conversation, he can tell how much I tried to be calm, collected and respectful. DH gave me a hug, told me he understands his mom is difficult and took me out for ice cream.
That was my last time talking to JNMIL. I had such a peaceful holiday season since I am basically NC with her. DH does still talk to her and helps her out but he has not pushed me to fix my relationship with her. Not sure if things will change in the future but either I get an apology or I die on this hill, I don't care.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Florida_Flower8421
May I just say, your hubby taking you out for ice cream after is my favorite thing. We all need a supportive partner like that.
PropOfRoonilWazlib
This is what I was about to comment! Best part. Haha
Jazzlike_Adeptness_1
You don’t need to die on this hill. Just sit there, sunning yourself, with a glass of wine.
Oh and thank the gods that the trash took itself out. Your life got much easier when psycho mommy in law showed her true colors. Bonus points for having phone on speaker.
Bye Felicia!
** NC for mother means NC for future babies.
Someone needs to embroider that on a pillow.
mahfrogs
This experience plus the bridal suite one both clearly illustrate how she is triangulating the both of you. She wants your dh to do something about the car and when he doesn’t do what she wants she goes around him to you to try to get her end result. Same with the pictures - you shut her down and she called your dh to try to get around you.
Knowing this, you need to create a plan about decisions - if she comes to either one of you, you will know that she most likely has already tried the other partner. Or that if your decision doesn’t line up with her wishes then she will go to your spouse instead. Toddlers do this. She is acting like a toddler.
beek_r
Even if she does apologize, that doesn't mean you have to accept or forgive her immediately. I'd wait just as long to forgive her as it took her to apologize. And even then, it just means that you accept that she's a toxic old cow, not that you'll cease believing that she's one.
Accomplished_Twist_3
Any apology from her is meaningless. If Mil actually cared about photos with her dying dementia mother, she'd have arranged it AT HOME! She just wanted to be the Queen but didn't want to be called out for it. Watch this one.